Over the last few days, many Rangers supporters have kindly pointed out that Celtic's qualification for the last 16 is not in fact valid because a number of fundamental football principles were ignored. Among these infractions, the most serious ones were:

1. SOME OF CELTIC'S OPPONENTS MADE DEFENSIVE MISTAKES OR GOALKEEPING ERRORS WHICH CELTIC EXPLOITED TO SCORE GOALS.
Celtic FC now accepts that it is unsporting to apply pressure on their opponents in the hope of capitalising on mistakes at some point in the course of a 90-minute match. The club had previously regarded this as a valid approach to creating scoring opportunities. Celtic FC apologises for this tactic and will never again try to benefit from their opponents' inability to handle this pressure.

2. CELTIC'S HAUL OF NINE POINTS FROM THREE MATCHES IS NULL AND VOID BECAUSE ALL THE POINTS WERE SECURED FROM HOME WINS.
Celtic FC had previously been unaware of this rule and begs forgiveness for only recently discovering that seven points is better than nine if some of the seven points were won away from home. Celtic FC regrets this oversight.

3. LATE GOALS DO NOT COUNT.
Celtic FC is at fault for believing that a goal scored towards the end of the game is worth the same as a goal scored at any other time. Had the club realised this, there would have been no need to feel any dismay after conceding a late goal to Benfica in Lisbon and Celtic FC now apologise for an inappropriate reaction to what has turned out to be a 0-0 draw.

4. GOALS DO NOT COUNT IF THE BALL IS DEFLECTED INTO THE NET.
It can now be admitted that some of the club's employees are in the habit of shooting towards goal before the opposing defenders have had a chance to get out of the way and this unsporting practice can make it difficult for the goalkeeper to read the flight of the ball. This is a reprehensible tactic and Celtic FC undertakes to forbid its application forthwith. Henceforth, no Celtic player will be allowed to direct the ball goalwards if there is any danger of a goal resulting from a deflection.

5. CELTIC HAD SOME LUCKY BREAKS IN QUALIFYING.
Admittedly, Celtic were very fortunate that Shaktar didn't take more advantage of their special dispensation to be allowed to control the ball with their hands, as Brandao did when he opened the scoring for Shaktar at Celtic Park. It was also fortuitous that AC Milan weren't awarded a soft penalty more than once when their forwards fell down dramatically in the penalty area. Luckier still was the fact that rival teams were not skillful enough to score more goals in the face of determined defending and goalkeeping by the Celtic players.

Celtic FC can only apologise to the faithful supporters of Rangers for the anguish and disappointment that they have endured in the wake of these violations of the Spirit of the Game.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.

He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous 'yes.'

The professor then produced two glasses of wine from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand.

The students laughed.

'Now,' said the professor, as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things; your family, your children, your health, your friends, and your favorite passions; things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car.

The sand is everything else; the small stuff.

If you put the sand into the jar first, ' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.

The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Spend some time with your friends. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the sticking door. Take care of the golf balls first; the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.'

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the wine represented.

The professor smiled. 'I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of glasses of wine with a friend.'

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends th e flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice', she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads :

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.