ARIES (Mar 21- Apr 19)
Drinking style: Impulsive Aries people like to party and sometimes don't know when to call it a night. Their competitive streak makes them prone to closing-time shot contests. They're sloppy, fun drunks, and they get mighty flirty after a couple tipples. Getting Aries people drunk is a good way to get what you want out of them, should other methods fail. Aries can become bellicose when blotto, but they will assume that whatever happened should be forgiven (if not forgotten) by sunrise. They can be counted on to do the same for you -- so long as you haven't gone and done anything really horrible to them last night, you sneaky Gemini.

TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
Drinking style: Taurus prefers to drink at a leisurely pace, aiming for a mellow glow rather than a full-on zonk. Since a truly intoxicated Taurus is a one-person stampede, the kind of bull-in-a-china-shop inebriate who spills red wine on white carpets and tells fart jokes to employers, the preference for wining and dining (or Bud and buddies) to body shots and barfing is quite fortunate for the rest of us. This is not to say that the Bull is by any means a teetotaler -- god, no. A squiffy Taurus will get, er, gregarious (full of loudmouth soup, some would say) and is extremely amusing to drag to a karaoke bar when intoxicated.

GEMINI (May 21 - Jun 21)
Drinking style: Gemini's can drink without changing their behavior much-- they're so naturally chatty and short-attention-spanned that it's just hard to tell sometimes. They can amaze you by conversing with finesse and allusion, then doing something unbelievable in an extremely advanced state of intoxication, like puking in your shoe. Gemini's possess the magic ability to flirt successfully (and uninfuriatingly, which is very tricky) with several people at once. They like to order different cocktails every round -- repetition is boring -- and may create a theme (like yellow drinks: beer, sauvignon blanc and limoncello) for their own amusement.

CANCER (Jun 22 - Jul 22)
Drinking style: Cancer is a comfort drinker -- and an extra wine with dinner or an after-work beer or six can be extra comforting, can't it, Cancer darling? Like fellow water signs Scorpio and Pisces, Crabs must guard against lushery. Cancers are brilliant at ferreting out secret parties and insinuating themselves on VIP lists -- and, in true Hollywood style, Cancers are never really drunk; instead, they get "tired and emotional" (read: weepy when lubricated). But there's nothing better than swapping stories (and spit) over a few bottles of inky red wine with your favorite Cancer. Even your second-favorite Cancer will do. The sign also rules the flavor vanilla, and you'd be adored if you served up a vanilla vodka and soda.

LEO (Jul 23 - Aug 22)
Drinking style: Leo likes to drink and dance -- they're often fabulous dancers, and usually pretty good drinkers as well, losing their commanding dignity and turning kittenish. Of course, they're quite aware they're darling - Leos will be Leos, after all. They generally know their limit, probably because they loathe losing self-control. When they get over-refreshed, expect flirting to ensue -- and perhaps not with the one who brought them. But Leo's not the type to break rules even when drunk, so just try to ignore it (try harder, Cancer) and expect a sheepish (and hung over) Lion to make it up to you the next day.

VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
Drinking style: Cerebral Virgos are compelled to impose order onto their bender. Their famously fussy quest for purity could lead to drinking less than other signs, sure -- but it could also lead to drinking booze neat, to sucking down organic wine or just to brand loyalty. They rarely get fully shellacked -- but, oh, when they do! Virgo's controlled by the intellect, but there's an unbridled beast lurking within, and they let it loose when walloped. It's dead sexy (and surprisingly unsloppy). As one Virgo friend used to declare, "I

1. Who are you?

2. Are we friends?

3. When and How did we meet?

4. Do you have a crush on me?

5. Have you ever wanted to punch me?

6. Give me a nickname and explain why?

7. Describe me in 1 word

8. What was your first impression of me?

9. Do u still think the same?

10. What reminds you of me?

11. If you could give me anything what would it be?

12. How well do you know me?

13. When was the last time you saw me?

14. Ever wanted to tell me something that you couldn't?

15. Are you going to put this on your blog and see what I say about you?

Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven God went missing for seven days.

Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him. He enquired of God "Where were
you?" God breathed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards
through the clouds. Look son, look what I'm after making".

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said "What is it?" God replied It's
another planet, but I'm after putting Life on it. I've named it Earth and
there's going to be a balance between everything on it. For example, there's
North America and South America. North America is going to be rich and South
America will be poor, and the narrow bit joining them will be a hot spot.
Now look over here I've put a continent of whites in the North and another
one of blacks in the South."

Then the Archangel said "What's that green dot there?"

"Ahhh, that's the Emerald Isle," God said, "that's a very special place.
That's going to be the most glorious spot on Earth, beautiful mountains,
lakes, rivers, streams and exquisit coastline. These people here are going
to be great craic and they're going to be found traveling the world.
They'll be playwrights and poets, singers and songwriters And I'm going to
give them this black liquid, which they're going to go mad on, and for which
people will come from the far corners of the Earth to drink."

Michael the Archangel gasped in wonder and admiration, then seemingly
startled, he said, "Hold on a second, what about BALANCE, you said there was
going to be balance..?"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the w&nkers I'm putting next door to
them!!