I was driving down the route doing 185
Just me and my friends out for a drive
I should have seen the trouble looming ahead
Should have known better I was into the red
But I never saw the gun I never saw the law
Hiding in back of a 4 by 4

Caught on a photograph guilty of driving fast
But some days you've got to lose
I'm in the slow lane I've got the slow lane blues
Slow lane blues

They took me to the side and gave me some grief
Said I was crazy I couldn't believe
Good cop bad cop they played the routine
They took away my car I tossed them the keys
Their was nothing on the road when I gave it the gas
I never saw the law we were having a blast

Caught on a photograph guilty of driving fast
But some days you've got to lose
I'm in the slow lane I've got the slow lane blues
I gotta blues

They said I had it coming a matter of time
Driving like a fool ignoring the signs
But I never saw the gun I never saw the law
Hiding in the back of a 4 by 4

Caught on a photograph guilty of driving fast
But some days you've got to lose
I'm in the slow lane
I was caught on a photograph guilty of driving fast
But some days you've got to lose
I'm in the slow lane I've got the slow lane blues

I'm writing you this letter
From a dark and lonely place
I hope it finds you well
I long for your embrace but I sit here in my solitude
I fear the worst for I have seen a vision the vision of my curse
Of my curse

To the citizens of the United States of America, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Gordon Brown, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up revocation in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up vocabulary. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up interspersed. There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney,upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as Taggart will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is Devon. If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become shires e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as Men Behaving Badly or Red Dwarf will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America.* Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called rounders, which is baseball without the fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are s