1) I saw a fat woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it.
I said 'Thyroid problem?'

2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.

5) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

6) A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! >From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

9) S*x is like playing bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law.
My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?'
I said 'No, six should be enough.'

11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

13) You know that look women get when they want s*x? No, me neither

14) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.

15) I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

16) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before

PETER KAY'S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

4) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

5) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.

6) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

7) You never know where to look when eating a banana.

You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

9) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.

10) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.

11) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

12) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

13) Old ladies can eat more than you think.

14) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

15) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.

16) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

17) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

SOME GREAT QUESTIONS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PETER KAY


1) Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

2) If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?

3) Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

4) Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your bottom?

5) Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?

6) Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

7) Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?

9) Why do toasters always ha

1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends?
3. When and How did we meet?
4. Have you ever wanted to punch me?
5. Give me a nickname and explain why?
6. Describe me in 1 word.
7. What was your first impression of me?
8. Do u still think the same?
9. What reminds you of me?
10. If you could give me anything what would it be?
11. How well do you know me?
12. When was the last time you saw me?
13. Are you going to put this on your blog and see what I say about you?

My Mummy = Diddle of course
My Daddy = the one and only Tommy
My Twin = the twins duh and Jenna Mc cus wev always been - similar birthdays n all
My sister in law = Suzannnnee
My Friends from Primary shool = jemma (we were like that *croses fingers*) TWINS n Jordan and Lorraine and Jenna
My Big Sister = Laura
My Lil Sister = HAS to be my wee huny hayley
My Big Brother =
My Lil Bruva =
My massager = Matt Matt Matt
My alco friend =Rachael and Lorraine of course
My drugy friend = again partners in crime Rachael n Lorraine
My trouble maker friend =HAYLEY absolutly Hayley. the amount of crap uv got me in over the years
My Dozy blonde friend = Laura,Tash+Gemma (+ 2 of them r brown )
My just plain dozy friend =Gemma
My sickeningly intelligent friend = Chris,Laura n Tash
My giggle friend =Either Tasha for all the times in CU and CE when we shudnt be laffin or Gemma cus she just giggles at me lol
My Best girl mates = you know its Laura + Tash
My Best guy mate (bar boyfriends) = Christof Ives
My Boy friend = Matt of course
MY Husband = Again Matthewwww
My HOT Babe = competetion between Daniel+Lori lmao
My big breasted friend =the twins hands down
My teeny weeny friend =Tasha clearly
My tall friend =Danielle Vicki or Helen
My friend = Matt cus he loves me
My Baby’s God Father =
My Baby’s God Mother = Tashaaa
My Pet = awk go on wee Ruby
My PA = gemma cause she has so much energy
My Hairdresser =Laura of course as she is one
My Body guard =Matthew cus he'l protect me and scott cus hes a tank arnt i a lucky girl both of them
My Partner In Crime = JORDAN absolutly jordan
My random tagalong =Chris C
My party animal =Also Miss Hayley Rollo
My chillout mate =again Miss Laura Neill my birthday 2007
My smiler buddy!=Loopy lui
My school buddy (specify subject) =Carly bop! id have ppl killed without her! roll on A level ICT huh huni
My ill b there 4 u friend = Matt forever
My Partner 4 Life=Matthew cus he says he'l never never let me go
My Big Cuzin!= Scotttt and Chrisss
My wee cuzin= Michael
My hot boyfriend= Matthewww
My hot bit on the side=Matthew and apparantly Daniel
My poser 4 life! = Laura - i have fotos of you practicing your smile
My Guardian angel! =Jemma ( i still have the friendship cheque you gave me
My Fairy god mother = Gemma
My Dancer mate = HAYLEY! my ticket to strictly come dancing
My beautiful neighbour ! = again Miss Laura Neill
My Captain = ???
My nutcase friend = EILEEN STEWART rite ther she wins lol
My nicknamer friend = Twins nearly all my nicknames r from them
My friend that will never let me live nething down =Tasha as she has far too much on me lol
My clothes adviser=Laura she kows my wardrobe better than me
My eating buddy! = either Laura cus we can eat for Ireland or Chris C cusa r geo trip lol
My old friend who i have known for years!= HAS to be Laura 13 years n still goin strong!! or Jenna day we were born
My shoulder to cry on mate = All of them