Why the sun lightens our hair,
but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara
with their mouth closed?

Why you don't ever see the headline:
"Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?

Why Doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why you have to click on "Start"
to stop Windows 98?

Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavour, while dishwashing liquid
is made with real lemons?

Why the man who invests all your money is called a "Broker"?

Why there isn't mouse flavoured cat food?

Who tastes dog food when it has a
"new & improved" flavour?

Why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?

Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the
indestructible black box?

Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?

Why they are called apartments when
they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro,
is Congress the opposite of progress?

Why they call the airport "the terminal"
if flying is so safe?

Joey (watching old videos of Monica): Some girl ate Monica!!! "
Monica: Shut up, the camera adds 10 pounds. "
Chandler: so how many cameras are actually on you?

Joey: Oh! Sorry... did I get you?
Chandler: NO, you didn't Get me! It's an electric drill! You Get me, you Kill me!

CHANDLER: What are you doing?
JOEY: You said I had to give you the chair, you didn't say anything about the cushions.
CHANDLER: The cushions are the essence of the chair!
JOEY: That's right! I'm taking the essence.

Joey: But it is odd how a women's purse looks good on me, a man.
Rachel: Exactly! Unisex!
Joey: Maybe you need sex. I had sex a couple days ago.
Rachel: No! No, Joey! U-N-I-sex.
Joey: Well, I ain't gonna say no to that

Joanna: What are you doing?
Chandler: I'm getting dressed.
Joanna: Why?
Chandler: When I walk outside naked, people throw garbage at me

Monica: Fine! Judge all you want to but, married a lesbian, left a man at the altar, fell in love with a gay ice dancer, threw a girl’s wooden leg in a fire, livin’ in a box!!

Phoebe: [Right after playing a song in the coffee shop ] If you want to receive e-mails about my upcoming shows, then please give me money so I can buy a computer

Ross: How's Monica?
Phoebe: She's calmed down a bit. I put a clip on one side, which seems to have stopped the curling.
Ross: How's the hair?
Phoebe: I'm not gonna lie to you Ross. It doesn't look good.
Joey: Can we see her?
Phoebe: No, your hair looks too good. I think it would only upset her.
Rachel: Oh.
Phoebe: Ross, you can go on in.

Ross: Your moneys mine Greene.
Rachel: Your fly’s open Gellar

Rachel: It’s like all my life people have been telling me “You’re a shoe, you’re a shoe, you’re a shoe, you’re a shoe” but then I thought, maybe I don’t wana be a shoe anymore. Maybe I wana be a… a purse… or a hat………………. NO im not saying I want you to but me a hat, im saying I am a hat…. it’s a metaphor Daddy!

Chandler: You know on second thought gum would be perfection.

Ross: Wasn’t it supposed to be just a fling? Shouldn’t it be…… flung by now?

Rachel: Hey, just so you know: it's *not* that common, it *doesn't* "happen to every guy, " and it *is* a big deal!
Chandler: [pointing] I *knew* it!

Monica: Honey that was a really good idea nailing the boxes to the floor.
Chandler: I didn’t nail the boxes to the floor.
Monica: Oh so you can move them?

Ross: Oh, really? Well, I guess Monica should know about Atlantic City.
Chandler: Du-ude!
Monica: What happened in Atlantic City?
Ross: Well, Chandler and I are in a bar...
Chandler: Did you not hear me say, "Du-ude"?
Ross: ...and this girl is making eyes at Chandler, okay? So after a while he just goes over to her and, uh, after a minute or two, I see them kissing. Now, I know what you're thinking. Chandler's not the type of guy who just goes to bars and makes out with girls. And you're right. Chandler's not the type of guy just goes to bars and makes out with girls.
Monica: You kissed a guy? Oh my God.
Chandler: In my defense, it was dark and he was a very pretty guy

Phoebe: Hey. Why isn't it Spiderman? You know, like Goldman, Silverman.
Chandler: Because, it... it's not his last name.
Phoebe: It isn't?
Chandler: No. It's not like Phil Spiderman. He's a spider *man*. You know, like Goldman is a last name but there's no gold man.
Phoebe: Oh, oh okay...
Phoebe: There should *be* a gold man!

Ross: [leaning over and talking to Rachel's lap] I can't wait to play with you all day, and to hear your first words.
Phoebe: [wide eyed] Why are you letting him talk to your crotch that way?
Rachel: He's talking to the baby.
Phoebe: Oh, that's good. Because when I heard, "I can't wait to hear your first words" I thought, "Boy that's some trick!"

Monica:"so sorry to catch u on ur mobile...WELL IF YOU DONT WANA CATCH ME ON MY MOBILE DONT CALL ME ON MY MOBILE!"

British lady: "i feel like a perfect arse" Phoebe:"well in america ur just an ass"

chandlers dad to chandlers mum-"arnt u a little to old to be wearing a dress like that?"...chandlers mum to chandlers dad- "dont u have a little too much penis to be wearing a dress like that?"

Joey:"i got looks u got math" Chandler:"MATH? ur giving me math?" ...-chandler rips joeys jersey- Joey:"hey thats my favourite sweater!" Chandler:"well now uve got two...hey i am good at math!"

"ross sees a psyhciatrist?" "yea he used ta have this real bad reoccuring dream" "what was it?" Monica:"that i was going to eat him"

Rachael:"emma said her first word...gleeba!!" Ross:"honey thats not a word...use it in a sentence" Rachael:"ok...emma just said gleeba"

Phoebe:"my new years resolution is to pilot a commercial jet" Chandler:"thats great phoebz now u just gotta find a bunch of ppl hus resolutions are to plummet to their deaths!"

Chandler:"this is going 2 kill him u no how mch he likes 2 propose!"

Chandler:"Sometimes I wish I were a lesbian... Did I say that out loud?"

Joey:"wat the hell dus a paleontoligist need a beeper 4?" Monica:"is it 4 like dinosaur emergencies..help! cum quick! they'r still extinct!"

Chandler:"All right, you will notice that I am fully dressed. I, in turn, have noticed that you are not. So in the words of A. A. Milne, 'Get out of my chair, dillhole!'"

Joey [to ross]:"who are u gonna kiss at midnite? rachael or phoebe?"
Ross:"what?"
Joey:"well u gotta kiss someone, cant kis monica shes ur sister"
Ross:"well whos gonna kiss ma sister?"
Joey:"chandler"
Ross:-disgusted face-"ohhhhh"
Joey:"dude who would u rather have kissing her me or chandler"
Ross:"good point"..."well i got the history with rachael so phoebe i guess"
Joey [to rachael]:"hey rach im gonna kiss u at midnite"
Rachael:"what?"
Joey:"well u gotta kiss someone cant kiss ross u got the history"
Rachael:"so?"
Joey:"well who would u rather have kissing you me or chandler?"
Rachael:"good point."

Chandler:"Phoebz, flying a jet? better make it a spaceship so u can get back to ur home planet"

Joey:"does anyone hava coat hanger?" Chandler:"ummmm no wait i took it out of my shirt when i put it on this morning"

Joey:"ok u take my underwear im gonna do the exact opposite to u" Chandler:"what are u gonna show me my clothes?!"

Doctor delivering Erica's baby:"well u dnt hav alot of time to relax, the nxt one will be along in a minute" Monica:"the nxt who will be along in what now?" Doctor:"the nxt baby will be along in a minute" Monica:"no no no we only ordered one" Doctor:"u do know its twins rite?" Chandler:"oh yea. these are the faces of two ppl in the know!" Doctor:"i dnt believ it this has never happened before" Chandler:"oh wow that makes me feel so special" [to erica]:"did u know it was twins?" Erica:"no..well they kept saying both heartbeats are really strong and i thort well thats good coz im having a baby"

Chandler:"if worst comes to worst il be ur boyfriend" –monica cracks up- Chand:"why are u laughing?" Monica:"well u made a joke right so I laughd!!" Chand:"a little too hard! whatre u saying I rnt boyfriend material" Mon:"yea!…I mean ur chandler u know" –punches him on the shoulder- "chandler" chand:"ok so weve establishd my name AND hit me!"

Chandler:"you still dnt think im bf material? I saw u chekn me out in the game last nite " (strip poker!) Monica:"you ddnt even take off ur pants…" chand:"yea lucky for u" Mon:"what?" Chand:"I don’t know"

Joey:"fine. u know i was still gonna let u hav her but lets both go for her. then we'll see who gets her" Chandler:"yea?well ive bin waiting for that all my life.......or something about u thats mean"

Chandler:"and that is her truth mr ‘il let u hav her’….i win you suck I rule all mini-wave in celebration to me!"…"me, not you. Holland