7 kinds of sex
Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.
This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'screw you.'

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex, Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.(Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.
This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone

And last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called:
Social Security Sex, You get a little each month. But not enough to live on.

Dear Alcohol,


First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holidays, hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings.

However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone Calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a kebab, a butter chicken curry along with a sausage with cheese, onion and mustard (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few sweet chilli and sour cream chips? I'm an eclectic eater, but think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock!!

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products,
aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & opefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,

Your biggest fan

P.S. Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk...
a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...
a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate

Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...
a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl
crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a
pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
4) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really
manly.
5) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law
or not to have a fire in your back garden.
6) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
7) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
9) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would
kill you at the first given opportunity.
10) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee,
flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
11) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a
Frisbee.
12) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
13) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
14) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
15) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody
who has had their arm broken by a swan.
16) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a
thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

SOME GREAT QUESTIONS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PETER KAY

1) Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you
get undressed?
2) If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all
the way down to the core of the earth?
3) Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth
closed?
4) Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling
your bottom?
5) Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first
thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an
alcoholic'?
6) Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
7) Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the
freezer?
Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through
mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?
9) Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the
toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
10) Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
11) Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I
think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
12) What do people in China call their good quality
plates?
13) Why do people point to their wrist when asking for
the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the
bathroom is?
14) What do you call male ballerinas?
15) Why is a person that handles your money called a
'Broker'?
16) If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
17) If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is
made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
1 Why is it that when someone tells you that there are
over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?