TOP TIPS
Climb onto your neighbour's roof and dangle a fish on a bit of string in front of his windows. He'll think his house is underwater.
Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence.

Buy a television set exactly like your neighbours. Then annoy them by standing outside their window and changing their channel using your identical remote control.

MOTORISTS. Pressing your 'fog lights' switch a second time after the fog has cleared will actually turn your fog lights off.

Cheer loudly at 8.00pm each Saturday to fool the neighbours into thinking you have won the Lottery.

Girls. Next time you feel like throwing a ball over-arm, don't, because you can't and it just looks silly. Just throw it girlie under-arm style, and no-one will laugh at you, or get hurt.

Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.

Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.

Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y,

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.

Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time.

Pass yourself off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly, or set fire to someone else's house.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic. - D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead

When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in case a large blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way up the road. - D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead General Infirmary

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.

A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.

Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.

Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any that you catch in the act.

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator. Sister S., Berwick

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower. - B. Johnson, Canada

Sweetcorn fans. Save money on loo paper by simply pouring the stuff straight down the pan.

Pretend you`re a giant panda by giving yourself two black eyes, eating only bamboo shoots and refusing to have sex with the missus.

Chelsea fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. It is now clear to all, as to your allegiance.

Manchester United fans. Avoid an asymetrical bulge in your right arm by masturbating furiously with your left arm too.

Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink.

Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzeneggar by buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.

Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak

A

Afeard - scared
Ah - I or me, ie Ah don't feel well
Aminal -common mispronounciation of Animal
Amptinat? -I most definitely am.
Ar$ehole -calling someone a rectum
Aye -meaning "yes"


B

Balleex -"b0ll0cks" Thats balleex - Used in context when disagreeing with someone
Bake -someones face
Baltic - quite cold
Banjaxed - drunk
Bate -beat, I bate her up so ah did
Bate The Wife - bottle of cider
Beef -male sexual organ ie "Ah slipped her the beef lawst nite"
Beezer - Very good, Thats Beezer
Beg -wafer thin plastic vessel; good for carrying shopping :also oul' beg" when referring to an elderly female
Blurt -Slang for female genetalia
Boggen - dirty, unclean
Boulin' -messing about
Bout Ye -"Hello"
Brave - large
Brew - weekly benefit
Buggered -broken

C

Cameracorder -grannies use of the word "camcorder"
Cheeser -like Beezer, meaning "very good" or "exellent"
Chicken -child slang for "afraid"
Chinks -popular Chinese food Take Aways
Childer -children
Cracker -not something you put cheese on, means beezer
Creamed -tired


D

Dander -a walk, ie I'm goin fer a dander
Dawg -canine, dog
Digikil -common mis-prounciation of "Digital"
Drawers -underwear
Dour -a door
Duncher -Cap

E

Earlee-er -before the present
Eejit -derived from "Idiot", means "Idiot"
Eff Aaf - F*ck Off


F

FaakAaf - Excuse me my good man, kindly vacate the premises
Faaler -father
Fally - follow
Fillum -a movie or film
Fingy -someone whose name you can't remember
Frig -polite word for "F*ck", also used: Flip
Flour - a floor
Fut - foot

G

Gat -slang, You're a wee gat or get
Geg -fun, "Ats a geg"
Getawaydaf*ck -go away now
Givuz -give me
Glass -Half-Pint
Goes -replaces the word "Said" ie And I goes: What? Are you slabberin'?" And then she goes,Yip."
Gutties -training shoes


H

Happy Days - that's good
Hardly -meaning "Thats not true" ie Hardly now. Hardly.
Hectic - See Mad
Heel -not to be confused with the back of your foot, means end of a loaf
Heerzme - "And then I said..."
Hippy - someone who likes Bon Jovi
Houl On -please wait

J

Job -activity usually carried out under the cover of night
Joken -joking


K

Kudn't -couldn't ie Ah kudn't do that...


L

Lairdindeyit -please do start eating (or drinking) see also
"wiredintillit"
Leenantarsapees -Famous Italian landmark
Lifted - arrested
Lingo -language


M

Mad - See Hectic
Mairshen -Emersion Heater
Magic -not tricks, but another word meaning great or good
Majassif - large
Mawn -a man, male
Meat Wagon -RUC Landrovers
Melt -no actual meaning, used as: "I'll knock your melt in"
Messages - weekly shopping
Milly -name given to teenage females. See also: Steek
Moufycunt - rather outspoken person
Mucker -a friend or mate
Muller -Mother or "Ma"


N

Nek it - drink that drink in one
Nice One -that was good
Norman -bullying term for someone with no friends
Norwegain - Another Gin please
Now Yer Sucken Deezel -that's a good way of going about that

O

Offees -alchohol retailer
Oi -a yelp for someones attention ie Oi! You! C'mere!"
Oxters -Armpits

P

Pat - container in which food is boiled
Prably -maybe, its likely
Passion -heavy rain in Ballymena
Parfil - strong
Peeler -a police officer
Piece-sandwich
Pot - short for Patrick
Pssskety -common misprounciation of "Spaghetti"
Pump - to urinate
Purdie -countryside slang for Potato

Q
Quim -slang for female genetalia

R

Ragin' -angry, Ahm bloody ragin' so ah am.
>> >>>Ration -you'd be doing this if you were trying to get to somewhere
in a hurry, in Ballymena
Rare -not to be confused with "scarce", means crap

S

Samitch -mispronunciation of "Sandwhich"
Scundered - embarrassed
Sebm -seven [7]
Shap -shop
Shar -a shower
Sicken' Ye - would annoy you
Skinned Ye! - Haha my good friend, I do believe I won that particular game by a significant margin

Slabber -someone who makes bad comments about you behind your back or to

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