Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
Chuck Norris is always on top during sex because Chuck Norris never fucks up.
Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.
When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's fucking beef.
Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.
When Chuck Norris exercises, the machine gets stronger.
Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris ‘can touch this’.
Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month. They bleed for a week as a result.
Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercut a horse.
The phrase, "You are what you eat" cannot be true based on the amount of pussy Chuck Norris eats.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
When Superman squeezes a lump of coal, he creates a diamond. When Chuck Norris squeezes a lump of coal, he creates an African child to work in his diamond mines.
Chuck Norris used to beat the shit out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
Chuck Norris crossed the road. Nobody has ever dared question his motives.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror on a black cat under a ladder on Friday the thirteenth. That was the day he won the lottery.
Before Chuck Norris was born, the martial arts weapons with two pieces of wood connected by a chain were called NunBarrys. No one ever did find out what happened to Barry.

Chuck Norris has to sleep with the light on. Not because he's afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of him.

Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Chuck Norris' action figure has slept with more women then most men.

god wanted ten days to create earth....chuck gave him 6

When Chuck Norris jumps into a swimming pool he doesn't get wet, the water gets Chucked

Chuck Norris once had an erection whilst walking down the street, no one survived

Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he’s never cried, ever.

Chuck Norris can drown a fish

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting.... CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.

A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

Chuck norris isnt hung like a horse - Horses are hung like chuck norris


Superman once watched an episode of Texas Ranger and cried himself to sleep

supermans only weakness is kryptonite. chuck norris laughs at superman for having a weakness

We live in an expanding universe, all of it trying to get away from Chuck Norris

When Chuck Norris goes to out to eat, he orders a whole chicken, but he only eats its soul

There is no chin under Chuck Norris' Beard. There is only another fist

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Wally is hiding

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head

Chuck Norris writes only in the first person because thats the only person that matters to him

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face

There is no Control button on Chuck Norris' computer. Chuck Norris is always in control

chuck norris only needs one to tango

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Chuck Norris doesn't use condoms, because nothing can protect you from Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris once ate three 72oz steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with the waitress

chuck norris can read lips with his eyes closed

Sega made an arcade game once where you fought Chuck Norris. Every time you put a quarter in, the screen immediately displayed "You Lose". It was Sega's most popular machine ever

The only time Chuck Norris fucked up, was when he thought he fucked up.