Demetri Martin: I like parties, but I don't like pinatas because pinatas promote violence toward flamboyant animals.

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Demetri Martin: I like parties, but I don't like piñatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there's a donkey with some pizzazz. Let's kick its ass. What I'm trying to say is, don't make the same Halloween costume mistake that I did.

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Demetri Martin: Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

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Demetri Martin: I went into a deli and got an egg sandwich and a hot chocolate. And then I went outside and I had to get a cab, so I had to put up one of my hands. But I already started eating my sandwich; I took it out of the bag, I was impatient. So my choice was hold up an egg sandwich or hold up a hot chocolate to get a car. So I chose the hot chocolate. And I put it up there and no cab stopped and I realized it was because I looked like I was toasting traffic. Standing on the street, 'Here's to you guys, to everybody heading west, I just wanna say I like what you do... but one of you needs to stop, pick me up.'

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Demetri Martin: I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.

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Demetri Martin: I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.'

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Demetri Martin: 'Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say. Sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of - it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like after 'I love you' or 'You're going to live' or 'It's a boy.'

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Demetri Martin: I got some new pajamas with pockets in 'em. Which is great, because before that, I used to have to hold stuff when I slept. But now I'm like, 'Where's my planner? There it is. "Keep sleeping." All right, perfect.'

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Demetri Martin: I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.'

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Demetri Martin: I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.

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Demetri Martin: I like clothes, you know. I dig fabrics. One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you're in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you're not it does just the opposite. It's like, 'Hey, there's an asshole.' But when you're in the woods you're like, 'Is there an asshole out here?' They look like trees.

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Demetri Martin: I think vests are all about protection. You know what I mean? Like a lifevest protects you from from drowning and bulletproof vests protect you from getting shot and the sweatervest protects you from pretty girls

Mitch Quotes

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "No, but I want a regular banana later, so, Yeah."
Mitch Hedberg

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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Mitch Hedberg

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I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Mitch Hedberg

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I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others.
Mitch Hedberg

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...and then at the end of the letter I like to write "P.S. - this is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.
Mitch Hedberg

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I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil, and the devil is dill...
Mitch Hedberg

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I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwhiches? All-encompassingly...
Mitch Hedberg

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I wrote my friend a letter with a highlighting pen, but he could not read it, he thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper.
Mitch Hedberg

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I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. There's a large out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside.
Mitch Hedberg

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My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave, does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.
Mitch Hedberg

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On a traffic light yellow means yield, and green means go. On a banana, it's just the opposite, yellow means go ahead, green means stop, and red means, where'd you get that banana?
Mitch Hedberg

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I like buying snacks from a vending machine because food is better when it falls. Sometimes at the grocery, I'll drop a candy bar so that it will achieve its maximum flavor potential.
Mitch Hedberg

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You know they call corn-on-the-cob, "corn-on-the-cob", but that's how it comes out of the ground. They should just call it corn, and every other type of corn, corn-off-the-cob. It's not like if someone cut off my arm they would call it "Mitch", and then re-attached it, and call it "Mitch-all-together".
Mitch Hedberg

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A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
Mitch Hedberg

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My lucky number is 4 billion, that doesn't come in real handy when your gambling. I'm gonna need some more dice, 4 billion divided by 6, at least.
Mitch Hedberg

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The next time I move I hope I get a real easy phone number, something like 2222222. People will ask, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'll say, "Just press two for a while, when I answer, you'll know that you've pressed two enough."
Mitch Hedberg

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I hate flossing, I wi