. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

2. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.

3. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

4. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

5. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.

6. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

7. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.

8. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will
wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

9. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

10. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.

11. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.

12. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.

13. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.

14. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

15. All single women have a cat.

16. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

17. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than
20 men firing at one.

18. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.

19. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.

20. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involved martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.

21. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.

22. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

23. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.

24. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

25. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least
20 minutes to escape.

26. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.

27. Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be played without moving the fingers.

28. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

29. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

30. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

31. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

John o’shea is not a person he’s a way of life

John o’shea is omni present

The bible was actually based on john o’shea’s life.

John o’shea was responsible for mans evolution from apes.

John o’shea is his own mother and father, meaning he was forced to impregnate himself.

John o’shea was formerly a Jedi knight but retired after toppling the dark side single-handed with only a spatula.

When you breathe your actually inhaling particles of John o’shea not oxygen.

John o’shea once kicked a ball so fast that it travelled back in time and was responsible for killing John F Kennedy.

Your future is not random it is what John o’shea wants it to be.

John o’shea dictates the weather by power of thought.

Chuck Norris goes to bed wearing John o’shea pyjamas.

A man once spilt a drink on John o’shea, he killed him, his wife, his children, his parents, his goldfish, ground up the remains and drank them for breakfast.

John o’shea doesn’t need food he simply bits off body parts, which instantly grow back.

The Olympics is a showcase for people that are the second best in the world, John o’shea being the number one at everything!!!

John o’shea controls your thoughts and actions and emotions.

John o’shea is responsible for every invention ever created.

There are actually three sexes, male, female and John o’shea.

NORTHSIDE LEAVING CERT
> >
> >
> >MATHS TEST FOR SECONDARY SCHOOLS
> >IN THE NORTHSIDE OF DUBLIN
> >
> >NAME _________________________
> >
> >NICK-NAME ____________________
> >
> >GANG NAME ____________________
> >
> >1. Deco has 0.5 kilos of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Vinno for 300 Euro
and 90 grams to Tomo for 90 Euro a gram,what is the street value of the rest of
his hold?
> >
> >2. Anto pimps 3 brassers. If the price is 40 Euro a royde, how many roydes
per day must each brasser perform to support Vinno's 500 Euro a day crack habit?
> >
> >3. Whacker wants to cut the kilo of cocaine he bought for 7,000 Euro, to make
a 20% profit. How many grams of strychnine will he need?
> >
> >4. Christy got 6 years for murder. He also got €350,000 for the hit. If his
common law wife spends €33,100 per month, how much money will be left when he
gets out of the 'Joy?
> >Extra Credit Bonus: How much more time will Christy get for killing the
slapper that spent his money?
> >
> >5. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square metres and the average
letter is 1 square metre, how many letters can be sprayed with an eight fluid
ounce can of spray paint with 20% extra paint free?
> >
> >6. Liamo steals Eamo's skateboard. As Liamo skates away at a speed of 35 mph,
Eamo loads his brother’s gun. If it takes Eamo 20 seconds to load the gun, how
far will Liamo have travelled when he gets whacked?
> >
> >SOUTH SIDE LEAVING CERT
> >
> >


MATHS TEST FOR SECONDARY SCHOOLS
> >IN THE SOUTHSIDE OF DUBLIN
>
>NAME_____________________________
_________________________
__________________________________
_________________________
__________________________________
_________________________
__________________________________
_________________________
__________________________________
_________________________
__________________(if
longer, please continue on a separate sheet)
> >
> >SCHOOL____________________
> >
> >DADDY'S COMPANY___________
> >
> >1. Julian smashes up the old man's car, causing x amount of damage and
killing three people. The old man asks his local TD to intervene in the court
system, then forges his insurance claim and receives a payment of y. The
difference between x and y is three times the life insurance settlement for the
three dead people. What kind of car is Julian driving now?
> >
> >2. Chloe's personal shopper decides to substitute generic and own-brand
products for the designer goods favoured by her employer. In the course of a
month she saves the price of a return ticket to Fiji and Chloe doesn't even
notice the difference. Is she thick or what?
> >
> >3. Roly fancies the arse off a certain number of tarts, but he only has
enough Rohypnol left to render 33.3% unconscious. If he has 14 Rohypnol, how is
he ever going to shag the other two-thirds?
> >
> >4. If Savannah throws up four times a day for a week she can fit a size 8
Versace. If she only throws up three times a day for two weeks, she has to make
do with a size 10 Dolce et Gabbano. How much does liposuction cost?
> >
> >5. Alexander is unsure about his sexuality. Three days a week he fancies
women. On the other days he fancies men, ducks and vacuum cleaners. However he
only has access to the Hoover every third week. When does his Sunday Independent
column start?
> >
> >


COUNTRY LEAVING CERT
> >
> >MATHS TEST FOR SECONDARY SCHOOLS
> >OUTSIDE DUBLIN
> >
> >Name: Paddy/Mary _________________________
> >
> >1. If Paddy Joe Murphy drove a Massey Ferguson through PaddyJohn’s turnip
crop at 10miles an hour. What colour was Paddy John’s tractor?
> >
> >2. If John Joe likes Mary and Mary likes Paddy, how much is a pint of stout
in O'Brien’s at the crossroads?
> >
> >3. Paddy Joe Mahoney has 25 sheep, 10 cows, 12 hens, a cockerel and 6 geese.
John Joe has 12 sheep, 18 cows and 12 pigs. How much does Paddy Joe offer to
John Joe for a dowry for Mary?
> >
> >4