Rumours that Frank Lampard was seen successfully seducing a young woman
in a Spanish nightclub with a one-liner have been completely refuted by
the English FA. Adam Crozier, chief publicity officer stated: "I find it
totally preposterous to suggest that one of our players could make a
successful pass to or at anyone."

Top tips:
1.If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a
jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost
instantly removed.

2. Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always
circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from
the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check
that it has gone.

3. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the
object you wish to view.

4. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.

5. Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but
you'll also be getting paid for it.

6. Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate
bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the damn thing in the first
place, fatso.

7. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The morning after,
you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of
washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

8. Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by
filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then
urinating into it, before jumping in.

9. Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip
a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

10.Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

11. Anorexics, when your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating
cakes again.

12. An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
inexpensive vibrator.

13. Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by
running a bit slower.

14. Smokers, save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.

15. Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or
veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute
etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the difference.

16. Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames of cartoons first, then read the rest in a random order.

17. High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a
while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

18. Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your
cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your roof.

19. 'Smart' car drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car
before starting a long journey.You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so it may as well look like one.

20. A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep