M E D I C A L D I C T I O N A R Y

Artery......................... The study of paintings

Barium......................... What doctors do when patients die

Benign......................... What you be, after you are eight

Caesarean Section.............. A neighbourhood in Rome

Catscan........................ Searching for Kitty

Cauterize...................... Made eye contact with her

Coma........................... A punctuation mark

Dilate..........................To live long


Fester......................... Quicker than someone else

Fibula..........................A small lie


Labour Pain.................... Getting hurt at work

Medical Staff...................A Doctor's cane

Morbid..........................A higher offer

Nitrates....................... Cheaper than day rates

Node........................... I knew it

Outpatient..................... A person who has fainted

Pelvis......................... Second cousin to Elvis

Post Operative................. A letter carrier

Recovery Room.................. Place to do upholstery

Rectum......................... Nearly killed him

Secretion.......................Hi
 ding something

Seizure........................ Roman emperor

Tablet......................... A small table

Terminal Illness............... Getting sick at the airport

Tumour......................... One plus one more

Urine.......................... Opposite of you're out

1.
People who point at their wrist while asking for the time...
I know where my watch is pal, where the f*ck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2.
People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

3.
When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too".
F*cking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4.
When people say "it's always the last place you look".
Of course it is. Why the f*ck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5.
When people say while watching a film "did you see that?".
No tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the f*cking floor.

6.
People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".
Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?

7.
When something is 'new and improved!'.
Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

8.
When people say "life is short".
What the f*ck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever f*cking does!! What can you do that's longer?

9.
When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?".
If the bus came would I be standing here, Knobhead?

10.
People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'.
So what did they used to be? Ears? Wellington boots?

11.
When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?'
No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

12.
People who announce they are going to the toilet.
Thanks, that's an image I really didn't need.

13.
McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering...
It has to be a McChicken Burger, NOT just a Chicken Burger you get blank looks. Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you Mcf*cking McTosser.

14.
When you’re involved in a accident and someone asks 'are you alright?'
Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off.

1 Who are you?.......
2. Are we friends?........
3. When and how did we meet?........
4. Do you have a crush on me?.........
5. Would you kiss me?........
6. Give me a nickname and explain why?........
7. Describe me in 3 word........
8. What was your first impression of me?.......
9. Do you still think the same?......
10. What reminds you of me?.....
11. If you could give me anything what would it be?......
12. How well do you know me?......
13. When was the last time you saw me?.....
14. Ever wanted to tell me something you couldn't?......
15. Anything else you would like to say before you go?......