105 days since i wrote on blog last n'....yah,lots has happened...well obviously....i mean my life wouldn't be at a stand still even if i wanted it too be....!!!i am now back in Terrace....back with my babies again....jus got them back n' it feels so awsome to snuggle with them again....n' not having to worry bout the stress!!!! even tho there is alot of that lately in my life these days....it's great to go home at the end of the day n' tell my lil martians how much i love them n' hear them tell me a million times over how much they love me!!!i will never grow tired of hearin those werds,even if my kids sound like a broken record...telling me over,n' over n' over,n' overrrr.......I LOVE U TOO BABIES!!!!
well,even tho my life seems like a wreck right now....im keeping a positive attitude!!!i grow tired of having life thinking it has me beat!!!i been a bitter person fer far too long!!!i learned over time that if i jus keep my head up,stay positive,take it one day at a time....the weight of the werld wont be so grand!!!
i've been to treatment center n' i'm gonna be sober for 6 months soon n' im finally standing flat footed.firmly n' very proud!!!treatment center was a blessing....i've discovered so much about myself,n how to make life alot easier fer myself and fer those around me if i jus take the time n' effert of the tools that was given to me!!!Wilps n' the people that werk there made me see a whole different side of me that i truely came to love n' share!!!
my sobriety is something i take very seriously ,because the sober me is someone i like than the drunk one....n' by leading by example,i also did this fer my kids.id like them to see there's so much more than drinking....i want them to see a much better person b4 them while being sober so that they can limit or hopefully scrath drinking all together,but hey,that's jus me!!!!
i look at my life, n' my kids so much differently now....im so much more calmer n' more relaxed with my surroundings that i enjoy living!!!i was such a depressed person b4 my transition,it feels awsome!!!any1 want sum of this awsomeness....lol!!!!this kinda change is not fer every1,but i wish it were,because the feeling is great!!!
there is so many people to than fer helping me see this better me....but too many to name off right now....but they know who they r....thanx for the support guyz!!!n' to my lil martians....thanx fer sticking in there n' fer always standing by my side because if it weren't fer u guyz....my life would be less!!!luv u....

never being able to figure out what's more important when it comes to dealing with certain situations in my life, has become a tug-a-war. when i think i need to "step in" it turns out that i don't need to and when i'm suppose to, i am made out to be more of an ass than expected. so ia have a hellish situation and it's tough.i gather my thoughts about what i need to deal with and i'm fricken stuck after that.a wall is put up,even when i try to go around it,over it or make it possible to try and go through it...it's hard.
i learned about bounderies today and personal bounderies was something i never maintained in my life ever and it's a struggle, not to a point where i think i'm going to give up though...i'm jus saying....it' a struggle and i know i'll get through it.
i've also learned what type of person i am and i'm in the midst of changing the old"passive ways" to pickin up some tools to being assertive. and wow, there's alot of info on this and i've grasped onto to some and other info i wished i can sponge in but for some reason i can't...it's, well overwelming is the werd i guess, and i'm...excited n' scared at the same time...cause "change" yah. the normal reaction to most is the "flight"responce, and that is some to werk on for myself if i ever want to get anywhere.
when i found out last week on what i "lost" i became very emotional, i thought for a moment that it was the end for me...but then i thought about it and said to myself and was said to me by others that" it's just stuff" it can be replaced!
so yah, it's amazing how i can pick myself back up so quickly now and just move on compared to before when i dealt with things so dramatical, i'd find myself taking more steps back than forward and finding myself thinking there's no other way of dealin with this now but to drink...like i knew that drinking would jus make things werse, but did it anyway....becasuse i didn't educate myself to doin things the right way.
anyways....other than having a hellish week n' all...i'm still optimist about life in general, i don't want to find myself back down in dirts where all i see is the negative aspects of the situations at hand...there' s more to it if i open myself up to more options.
i don't know if i make any sense in most of what i write about ...cause sometimes when i look back at my readin's, isome of it don't make sense and i'm like what the hell...my mind musta wondered or something cause i don't even know what i'm saying here or tryin to say....so yah....when i write, i don't have drafts or anything like that, i jus write how i feel and take it from there...and this is what i was feeling today. no biggy,jus need to get it off my chest and leave room for what's to come i guess....
i read today about dealin with things and bounderies...don't take what's not yours and if i'm dealing with something, it's mine, not anybody elses to worry about...and vice versa...and with me being an "OPEN BOOK" sorta deal, tha's me, if people have a problem with this...that's there problem...not mine!!!
so take care today beboers....a'm sure that i'll have a good rest of my day...see ya round i guess...

that was the old me, and now that i'm makin' changes....things in life seem to be jus addin' more stress than makin' better, how is that possible?to much optimism....?....to much info to the werld yet...?...not enuff graditude...?...i mean what is it about self improvin' in the werld today....not that i expect input frum everyone in my life....i mean it's just that, i dunno what it is really myself. i haven't found a way to put it into werds yet about this feelin'....abandonment maybe...nah that's not it. i dunno...i jus feel that the werld around me isn't really there in the sense of...no contact whatso ever from those i used to be around before.maybe...i dunno...i jus wish i knew what it really is that is botherin' me about those in my life right now without soundin' like such a puttz!
makin the best with what i got...hmmm, which is basically NOTHIN'...but i'm comfotable with that...cause i have to be.it's my own doin' and i've accepted that...at first i didn't...i was a mess when i realized that i've literally hit rock bottom...but then i had some reassurence from those that do care that i have to think of this as a new beggining and i've done that now....but what's my next step from here is what's dangin' over me now...it sucks!!!
with all this free time on my hands and doin the waitin' game has me kinda antsy!i try tell myself that i don't need to fall into my old habits because looks what it's done for me in my past...but then i don't know what to do because i'm so used to doin' crazy disasterous things because that's all i've been known to doin'.my lack of communication is what's got me on hold right now because of FEAR...now what do i have to be afraid about jus talkin' with people right...i mean if i knew the answer to that i'd be fine and dandy...but hell, why can't i just mingle and be comfortable around people like normal people?i mean that's beyond shy i think...there's something pretty f-ed up with that.
i'm tryin' so bloody hard to get out of my old ways and lead a better life...tryin' to jump outta my own skin and well....be better than what i used to be.
i'm hopin' for the best in life and all i'm bein' served right now is leftovers!!!i guess it's better than nothin' right...i'm bein' optimistist about LEFTOVERS...lol!
anyways....that's my thought(s)for the day...pretty dull if u ask me...pretty lame since i'm probably the only one that ever reads my own blog...that's alright i guess...don't need anyone but myself i guess...."when it comes down to it, the only person u can really rely on is yourself!"...yah baby...