Gotta love that house, these are just a tiny amount, but damn funny

Dr. Cuddy: I was expecting you in my office 20 minutes ago.
House: That's odd, because I had no intentions of being in your office 20 minutes ago.

House: If we don't talk to them, they can't lie to us, and we can't lie to them. Humanity is overrated.

House: People used to have more respect for cripples! (man in wheelchair glares) They didn't, really.

Orange-Colored Patient: What are those?
House: Painkillers.
Orange-Colored Patient: Oh, for you, for your leg.
House: No, because they're yummy.

House: See that -- they all assume I'm a patient because of the cane.
Dr. Wilson: Then why don't you put on a white coat like the rest of us?
House: Then they think I'm a doctor.

Dan's Mother: How can you just sit there?
House: If I eat standing up, I spill.

House: Another reason I don't like meeting patients. If they don't know what you look like, they can't yell at you.

Dr. Cuddy: How's your hooker doing?
House: How sweet of you to ask. Funny story - she was going to be a hospital administrator, but she hated having to screw people like that.

Dr. Cameron: What about sex?
House: Well, it might get complicated. We work together, I'm older certainly, but maybe you like that . . .
Dr. Cameron: I meant maybe he has neuro syphilis.
House: (winks) Nice cover.

House: Perseverance does not equal worthiness. Next time you want to get my attention, wear something fun. Low-riding jeans are hot.

Dr. Wilson: That smugness of yours really is an attractive quality.
House: Thank you. It was either that or get my hair highlighted. Smugness is easier to maintain.

Dr. Cameron: Brandon's not ready for surgery.
House: Okay, let's leave it a couple of weeks - he should be feeling better by then. Oh wait - which way does time go?

House: Get up. We're going hunting.
Dr. Chase: For what?
House: Wabbits.

Sister Eucharist: (The hypochondriac nun) tends to believe in things that aren't real.
House: Really? I thought that was a job description for you people.

House: What the hell are those?
Dr. Cameron: Candy canes.
House: Candy canes? Are you mocking me.
Dr. Cameron: No. It's, it's Christmas, and I thought...
House: Relax -- it's a joke.

Dr. Cameron: You really didn't know?
House: No, I didn't, and frankly I'm angry. Which I'm guessing is the correct response, which I'll know better once I know what you're talking about.
Dr. Cameron: Your birthday.
House: Oh. Anger was a bad guess.

House: Fever. Clinical depression does not cause fever.
Dr. Foreman: She could be sick and depressed?
House: She's sick! Dammit, why didn't I think of that?

House: I don't ask why patients lie - I just assume they all do.

Dr. Foreman: Why are you riding on me?
House: It's what I do. Has it gotten worse lately?
Dr. Foreman: Yeah. Seems to me.
House: Really? Well, that rules out the race thing. You were just as black last week.

Dr. Foreman: We looked at everything else
Dr. Wilson: Did you look at her breasts?
House: Men...

House: Husband described her as being unusually irritable recently.
Dr. Cameron: And... ?
House: I didn't realize it was possible for a woman to be "unusually" irritable.

Dr. Cuddy: Dr. House! Need you here.
House: Sorry, lots of sick people--might catch something.

House: Good lord, are you having a bowel movement or a baby?
House: (toilet flushes) Hey! You know what a hemorrhoid is?
Kid: No.
House: Well, Google it. And try some Raisin Bran instead of the donuts.

House: We're missing something.
Dr. Chase: What?
House: If I knew that it wouldn't be missing.

Dr. Cuddy: What are you doing?
House: (holding a folder in front of her chest) Trying to think of anything except the produce department at Whole Foods.
Dr. Cuddy: I am working - it got hot. Stop acting like a 13-year old.
House: Sorry, you just don't usually see breasts like that on deans of medicine.
Dr. Cuddy: Oh, women can't be head