1. john o 'driscoll is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

2. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures john o 'driscoll allows to live.

3. When john o 'driscoll drinks pee, his asparagus smells funny.

4. When john o 'driscoll was born, the nurse said, "Holy Cow! That's john o 'driscoll!" Then she had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

5. When john o 'driscoll goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

6. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects john o 'driscoll could use to kill you, including the room itself.

7. The popular videogame "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from john o 'driscoll and forgot to pay him back.

8. john o 'driscoll can count backwards from infinity.

9. Crop circles are john's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the f**k down.

10. When john o 'driscoll jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets john instead..

11. john o 'driscoll can divide by zero.

12. In fine print at on the last page of the Guiness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by john o 'driscoll, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.

13.john o 'driscoll is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's shit.

14.john o 'driscoll has two speeds: walk and kill.

15.john o 'driscoll is the reason why Wally is hiding.

16.john o 'driscoll can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

17. You are what you eat. That is why john o 'driscoll's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

18.john o 'driscoll once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear.

19.john o 'driscoll played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

20. If you were to lock john o 'driscoll in a room with a guitar, a year later you would have the greatest album ever, it would sweep the Grammy's. When asked why he doesn't do this john replied "Because Grammy's are for gays." Then he ate a knife to show the seriousness of his response.

21. On his birthday, john o 'driscoll randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

22. When john o 'driscoll does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

23. Whenever john o 'driscoll puts out a cigarette, he throws it in slow motion into a long line of gasoline and calmly walks away as an inferno erupts behind him.

24. john o 'driscoll invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

25.john o 'driscoll coined the phrase, "I could eat a Horse" after he ate every last unicorn in existence.

26.john o 'driscoll haunts Freddy Krueger's nightmares.

27. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when john o 'driscoll punched himself in the face.

28. When the Boogey Man goes to sleep he checks his closit for john o 'driscoll

29. john o 'driscoll lost his virginity before his dad.

30. The only reason there is no life on mars is because john got there first.

31. If you can see john o 'driscoll, he can see you. If you can't see john o 'driscoll, you may only be seconds away from death

32. john o 'driscoll does not sleep. He waits.

33. john o 'driscoll does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. john o 'driscoll goes killing.

34. john o 'driscoll counted to infinity - twice.

35. john o 'driscoll sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, john roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and

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My future wife- COURTNEY
My girlfriend - COURTNEY (luvs her)
My mummy - NIC STANTON
My daddy -
My brother from another mother - HEZZY
My big brother -
My little brother -CIAN BAKER
My big sister -
My little sister - LYN
My uncle -
My aunt-
My cousin - JOHN POWER
My daughter-
My Tubbs -
My son - DYLAN MAGEE
My brother-in-law - JOHNNY G
My sister-in-law -
My best friend - DEZZY
My dirty little secret - SONYA
My nigga - DAMIEN CLARK
My bit on the side -
My niece -
My nephew -
My guardian - COLIN DALY
My sugar plum fairy - LESLEY J
My scummy tramp- Mervyn Walsh
My personal shopper -
My fairy god mother - ORLA O MAHONY
My slave - TOMMY KIELY
My shoppoholic friend - JENNIFER O DONOGHUE
My sexy biatch - ELAINE MURRAY
My sexy bebo bud- URSULA KELLY
My lil cutie pie -JENNIFER COAKLEY
My lovely gurlie - NICOLA DOWNEY
My god mother - AMY GOLDSMITH
My Righthand Man - ALAN O NEILL
My god father - JAMIE SULL
My siamese twin -
My valentine -
My chatterbox - AOIBHEANN REILLY
My hot admirer - LEANNE CARIC
My messer upper -
My cleaner -
My flurty frend - KIARA LYONS
My dancing chick - JULIE GOLDSMITH
My sexy hunni - COURTNEY
My gangstas - CHUCKLEZ
My stalker - GARY WALSH
My sex bomb - KELLY O SULLIVIAN
My wana b girlfriend -
My gay bestfrend -
My drama queen - PA POWER
My Bitch - CAROLINE BAILEY
My Slut - ERICA O SULLIVIAN
My Hitman - THE NECK (AKA) GLENN COUGHLAN
My Blonde - SINEAD O CONNELL