Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.
There is no chin under Chuck Norris' Beard. There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.
The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer
Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
Chuck Norris is my Homeboy.
Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting.... CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.


Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost

Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.

Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.

There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.

When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.

Chuck Norris can't finish a "color by numbers" because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.

A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.

When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.

Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)

Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it won't be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.

Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.

In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be Chucksized.

Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.

If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

A picture is worth a thousand wo

GAA
1. "I love Cork so much that if I caught one of their hurlers in bed with my missus, I'd tiptoe downstairs and make him a cup of
tea"- Joe Lynch, actor.

2. "We've won one All-Ireland in a row" -- Wexford Fan in 1996.

3. "The toughest match I ever heard off was the 1935 All-Ireland Semi-Final. After 6 minutes, the ball ricocheted off a post and went into the stand. The pulling continued relentlessly and it was 22 minutes before any of the players noticed the ball was
missing" - Michael Smith.

4. "Sylvie Linnane would start a riot in a graveyard" -- Tipp fan

5. "I'm not giving away any secrets like that to Tipperary. If I had my way, I wouldn't even tell them the time of the throw-in" -
Ger Loughnane.

6. "He's like Lazarus; but Lazarus didn't have such a sweet right boot" -Micheal O' Muircheartaigh on Colin Corkery.

7. "Whenever a team loses, there's always a row at half time but when they win, it's an inspirational speech" --John O' Mahony.

11. 'We're taking this match awful seriously.We're training three times a week now, and some of the boys are off the
beer since Tuesday' -Offaly hurler quote in the week before a Leinster hurling final vs. Kilkenny

12. 'Ger Loughnane was fair, he treated us all the same during training-like dogs' - anonymous Clare hurler

14. 'You can't win derbies with donkeys' - Babs Keating before Tipp played Cork in 1990

15. 'Sheep in a heap' - Babs Keating description of Offaly in 1998.

17. 'And as for you. You're not even good enough to play for this shower of useless no-hopers' - Former Clare mentor to one of his subs after a heavy defeat

18. 'Babs Keating was arrested in Nenagh for shaking a cigarette machine, but the gardai let him off when he said he only wanted to
borrow twenty players' - Waterford fan after 2002 Munster final

19. 'They have a forward line that couldn't punch holes in a paper bag' - Pat Spillane on the Cavan football team

20. 'Meath players like to get their retaliation in first' -Cork fan1988

21. 'Meath make football a colourful game-you get all black and blue' - another Cork fan 1988

22. 'Colin Corkery is deceptive.He is slower than he looks' - Kerry fan

23. 'Life isn't all beer and football...some of us haven't touched a football in months' - Kerry player during league
campaign 1980s

Micheal Ó Muircheartaigh Quotes
§ ....and Brian Dooher is down injured. And while he is, I'll tell ye a
little story. I was in Times' Square in New York last week, and I was
missing the Championship back home. So I approached a news stand and I said
'I suppose ye wouldn't have the Kerryman would ye?' To which, the Egyptian
behind the counter turned to me and he said 'do you want the North Kerry
edition or the South Kerry edition?' He had both....so I bought both. And
Dooher is back on his feet....

§ Anthony Lynch the Cork corner back will be the last person to let you
down....his people are undertakers

§ I saw a few Sligo people at Mass in Gardiner street this morning and
the omens seem to be good for them, the priest was wearing the same colours
as the Sligo jersey. Forty yards out on the Hogan stand side of the field
Dublin's Ciaran Whelan goes on a rampage, its a goal! So much for religion.

§ Colin Corkery on the 45 lets go with the right boot. Its over the
bar. This man shouldn't be playing football. He's made an almost
Lazarus-like recovery from a heart condition. Lazarus was a great man but
he couldn't kick points like Colin Corkery.

§ 1-5 to 0-8....well from Lapland to the Antarctic, that's level scores
in any man's language

§ Pat Fox has it on his hurl and is motoring well now....but here comes
Joe Rabbitte hot on his tail....I've seen it all now, a Rabbitte chasing a
Fox around Croke Park!

§ I see John O Donnell dispensing water on the sideline. Tipperary,
sponsored by a water company. Cork, sponsored by a tae company. I wonder
will they meet later for afternoon tae

§ Teddy looks at the ball....the ball looks at Teddy

§ Danny 'The Yank' Culloty. He came down from the mountains and hasn't
he done well

§ He grabs the sliotar, he's on the 50....he's on the 40....he's on the
30..........he's on the ground

§ In the first half they played with the wind. In the second half they
played with the ball

§ He kicks the ball lan san aer, could've been a goal, could've been a
point.......it went wide

§ Stephen Byrne with the puck out for Offaly....Stephen, one of
12....all but one are here to-day, the one that's missing is Mary, she's at
home minding the house.....and the ball is dropping i lar na bpairce......

§ Pat Fox out to the forty and grabs the sliothar, I bought a dog from
his father last week. Fox turns and sprints for goal, the dog ran a great
race last Tuesday in Limerick. Fox to the 21, fires a shot, it goes to the
left and wide......and the dog lost as well

§ Sean Og O Hailpin....his father's from Fermanagh, his mother's from
Fiji, neither a hurling stronghold.

§ Teddy McCarthy to John McCarthy, no relation, John McCarthy back to
Teddy McCarthy, still no relation