60 THINGS DUBS LUV TA DO


Apologies in advance to the Dubs among us...

1 Duch Gold

2 Heroin

3 Stealin

4 Joy-ridin

5 Saying 'Yaknowwhorrameyan?"

6 Bebo

7 Social welfare

8 Keyin' Cars

9 Pop Idol

10 Wearing belly tops over their pale, flabby stomachs

11 Calling people 'Bud' who are not their bud

12 Compo

13 Calling people 'Pal' who are not their pal

14 Shortening words and adding the letter 'o' (Anto, Decco,Corpo)

15 Calling people 'Boss' who are not their boss

16 John Player Blue

17 Burberry

18 Burglary

19 Fair City

20 Celtic shirts

21 Taches

22 Fireworks every night for the entire month preceeding Halloween

23 Sky Digital

24 Saying "I didn't ble_din' do tha!"

25 Travelling in packs

26 Moochin

27 Swearing at their babies

28 Getting their mot's preggers

29 Champion Sports

30 Christmas Lights you could see from space

31 Mitchen

32 Dr Quirkeys

33 Giving their kids Monster Munch and Maltesers for breakfast on the bus

34 Standing in queues outside the dole office

35 Funderland

36 Tesco food brand

37 Man U

38 Saying, "Thats not my ble-din job!"

39 Pushing prams while smoking

40 Earrings (for guys)

41 Earrings a chimpanzee could swing off (for girls)

42 Saying "He didn't do nothin!" when he clearly did do something

43 Baseball caps 90 degrees ta da sky

44 Sawn-off Shotguns

45 Adrian Kennedy Phone Show

46 Picking up unfinished cigarettes dropped on the street bysomeone else just after coming out of a medical centre (as God is my witness)

47 Shop-liftin

48 pub crawelen

49 Not payin the bus fare

50 batterd suasage

51 Leaving their kids play outside on a busy road while they get hammered on a Sunday afternoon

52 Always following the word 'rich' with the word 'w@n-k£r'

53 Pulling their hoodies over their heads as they're led away from da Four Courts

54 Eschewing peaceful solutions to conflict when Violent Senseless Mayhem will suffice

55 P-ing in Elevators

56 Being an authority on everything

57 Knee-cappings

58 Racism

59 geting hammerd

60 Getting their hair cut so tight they look like a matchstick with ears from the back

EFFECTS OF DRINK
from personal experence

SYMPTOM: Pint appears to be crystal clear...
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him/her.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognise anyone, don't even recognise the room you're in.
FAULT: Don't panic - you've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they've any free pints anyhow.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest pet dog, complain about how house training has "gone to the dogs nowadays".

SYMPTOM: Pint appears unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to get you another pint.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You've fallen over backwards.
ACTION: Have yourself chained to bar counter.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains fag-ends.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tastes tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to loo, practise in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurry.
FAULT: You're looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to get you another pint.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another pub/party

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed, have yez no homes to go to
ACTION: Confirm home address with barman, grab taxi home.

SYMPTOM: Taxi's interior suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on a table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually clear though.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologise to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: That lager is too weak.
ACTION: Have more drink until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

SYMPTOM: Ugly woman/man in your sights.
FAULT: Insufficient beer intake.
ACTION: Up dosage immediately.

SYMPTOM: Shins and toes hurt.
FAULT: You've been walking into things.
ACTION: Maintain dosage.

SYMPTOM: Squishy feeling in the hands.
FAULT: You have grabbed hold of a woman's breasts.
ACTION: Duck to avoid boyfriend's fist.

SYMPTOM: Bed is bumping around.
FAULT: Taking an ambulance ride.
ACTION: It's too late, you made complete arsehole of self

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