Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.

Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

Chuck Norris keeps his ID on the bottom of his right foot. Nobody ever asks him for his ID.

When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear Chuck Norris banging your sister.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.

Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.

If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's fucking beef.

Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.

The phrase, "You are what you eat" cannot be true based on the amount of pussy Chuck Norris eats.

Mr. T once defeated Chuck Norris in a game of Tic-Tac-Toe. In retaliation, Chuck Norris invented racism.

Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month. They bleed for a week as a result.

The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.

Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.

When Chuck Norris sees a shooting star he does not wish. He commands.

When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."

The only reason Chuck Norris didn't win an Oscar for his performance in "Sidekicks" is because nobody in their right mind would willingly give Chuck Norris a blunt metal object. That's just suicide.

Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.

Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick" and by "sweaters" I mean "babies".

Chuck Norris was originally offered the role as Frodo in Lord of the Rings. He declined because, "Only a pussy would need three movies to destroy a piece of jewelery."

One pound of Chuck Norris is heavier than ten pounds of everything else

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Many Strongmen rip phone books in half using their bare hands to demon

by lonly bally wall i heard a young girl calling
denise they have taken u away when ur mother rang ur fone
she said she wants u home
but u cant ur already in mullinahone

low ly the fields of ballysloe
where once we watched the boyracers go
sideways down the street but den who do we meet
only the guards rite behind us once again fuckin pigs

Young hooligans terrorise Ballysloe
YOUNG hooligans have singled out a tightly-knit community to terrorise and intimidate, say residents of Ballysloe, near Gortnahoe-Glengoole.

Out-of-control teens are being bussed in to the village, where they egg houses, hurl unrepeatable obscenities at elderly townsfolk, and commit wanton acts of vandalism on property in the village, said one concerned member of the local community.
"They have poisoned two dogs in the area," she said, referring to the gangs which now intimidate locals on a daily basis. "They are all aged from 14 upwards. We used to be a very quiet village here but in the last 12 months they've started arriving by bus at night. They use a field at the back of the school to go drinking in up until 4 o'clock in the morning. They've broken windows in the school's prefabs, and let off fire extinguishers in the building. They told one local man that 'he'd want to keep the number of the Munster Joinery handy'," she added, repeating a veiled threat made upon one man's windows.
Up to 20 of the youngsters congregate in gangs on the main street in the night hours of Friday and Saturday, while they have turned one disused house in the village into a drinking den, she claimed. "They have vandalised one house, they've broken down the back door and use it to go drinking in," she said.
At a residents meeting last Wednesday, villagers raised their concerns with gardaí. They heard how the thugs have attacked paling on the village green, tossing them into a field nearby. Cars and houses have had eggs thrown at them, added another local man, who has had to install searchlights in his yard to ward off the young vandals.
"I've stopped them from speeding," he said. "The speeds they go at are unbelievable. I live on a bend on the road and I don't want to be picking up bodies," he added. Already, the gangs have torn up reflectors on a nearby road and tossed them into his house, he added, in an effort to intimidate and abuse him. He said that elderly people, who have never witnessed this behaviour before, are now afraid to leave their homes at night. "I feel sorry for the elderly people in the parish, they have never had any trouble before and now they have to deal with this. In a small community, this is just not acceptable."
A local residents committee has been formed that will liaise with members of the gardaí.
A second meeting will be held before Christmas with Superintendent Tony Coogan of Thurles Garda Station to explore the possibility of installing CCTV cameras, brighter lights and other security measures in the village to combat the crime wave.
13 December 2006


THIS WAS POSTED IN THE TIPPERARY STAR ON THE 13TH OF DEC
WE KNOW WHO THE TWO PEOPLE WHO WENT TO THE PAPER AND GAVE THIS BULLSHIT AND LIES TO THE TIPP STAR