"Take some alone time for yourself." "Stay busy." "Call me if you need anything." "I know how you feel. My grandma died last year." These are actual quotes that I've been hearing from people for the past two months. Everyone means well, but unfortunately absolutely none of this is helpful. Reading several books *has* helped though. In this blog post, I hope to articulate exactly what I need while grieving, demystify the grief process and explain why we've all been poorly socialized regarding grieving. It's no secret that my last blog mentioned my two suicide attempts since my mother died, and apparently everyone goes stark-raving ape shit crazy when one mentions suicide. My research shows, however, that suicide hotlines are the FIRST resource/referral on nearly every grief-related website! It's not uncommon. It's not insane. It's not something that "only white people do." It is a normal and common response to loss (both divorce and death). I've heard everything from "What the hell is wrong with you?" to "The next time you wanna do something stupid, call me and I'll do it for you." Let's see...when I'm suffering from a loss and confused about my feelings, do I want to hear that the way I'm feeling is wrong or stupid? I'll take "Hell, no!" for $200, Alex (a little Jeopardy humor--stay with me).These comments were not only damaging and unproductive, they made it a hell of a lot harder to feel safe grieving around "loved ones." Myonline community was more helpful and supportive than some of the people I see everyday. The funny thing is that it wasn't actually posted for support from others. I never expected anything but to let it out. Writing is an outlet for me. I was using it to talk myself down off of the ledge--to analyze this manic character inside of me who shoved handfuls of Vicodin and Tequila down my throat while the logical part of me sat helplessly in a corner of my mind. This wasn't like in high school when you took three or four pills and called someone to save you. This was some all new shit! I wasn't in control. I'm lucky I woke up! Perhaps if someone else were grieving at the time, reading my blog could help normalize the feelings for them like my self-help books have been doing for me--then maybe they wouldn't feel so alone and out of control. Unfortunately, most people are socialized to grieve alone. We are told to suck it up, have a "thick skin," replace the loss and get on with life, because "time heals all wounds." This is all bullshit. When your dog died and your mama bought you another one to help you get over the loss, that was poor socialization. When you lost your first girlfriend and everyone told you it didn't matter because there were "other fish in the sea," they were conditioning you to replace the loss. Whether you replace it with alcohol, anger, new pussy, drugs or jet-skiing, you're still not dealing with the real issue (Make note that "anger" was in there with the coping mechanisms. We'll discuss that again later). Another fun fact is that time does not heal anything. It's what you do with the time that matters. If a person breaks their arm, they don't sit around waiting for time to mend it back together. They get it fixed. A broken heart is no different. A griever should confide in a best friend or elder, go to group therapy, write in a journal/blog, throw some eggs at the wall -- one really has to do whatever it takes to let the emotion out.Anger, according to one of the grief recovery manuals I've been reading, is *not* a symptom of the loss. It's a cover up. It is simply an easier emotion to let out. People feel more powerful and strong when they let out anger. I have always been this way. I'd rather punch you in the throat than cry in public. Crying is perceived as weak. I've been poorly socialized too, ya'll! Lol! But, I'm going through the process. It make take 6 months to soften the blow or it may take the rest of my life, but I will deal with i

I've been down lately. I haven't wanted to be around groups of people at all. I don't want to smile. I don't want to introduce myself or make small talk. I'm not feeling like joking with people. I just want to be alone. I don't want to answer any questions. I don't have a family, and I don't fit into anyone else's.I'm trapped in apathy and the "It's not fair. No one cares." syndrome. I haven't tended to my ancestor shrine. I feel guilty, but not guilty enough to do anything about it. I'm angry at my mom for leaving me. I'm angry at my family for not being closer. I call people and they don't call me back. My friends are better at least. I've had two suicide attempts in the last 2 months. Grieving ain't no joke.Trying to plan a wedding while you're mourning is bittersweet--especially if you're the only one who's really excited. I guess I just had to get this out. More later...