Following complaints to the IRB about the All Blacks being allowed to motivate themselves by performing the 'Hakka' before their games, other nations were asked to suggest pre-match rituals of their own. The IRB Rugby World Cup 2007 organizing committee has now agreed to the following pre-match displays.

1. The England team will chat about the weather, wave hankies in the air and attach bells to their ankles, before moaning about how they invented the game and gave it to the world, but no-one appreciates them.

2. The Scotland team will chant "You looking' at me, Jimmy?" before each of them smash a bottle of beer over their opponents' heads.

3. The Ireland team will split into two, with the Southern half perfoming a Riverdance, while the Northerners march the traditional route from their dressing room to the pitch via their opponents' dressing room.

4. Unfortunately the committee was unable to sanction the Welsh proposal to form a choir and sing Tom Jones' "The Green Green Grass of Home".

5. Argentina will unexpectedly invade a small part of opposition territory, claim it as their own "Las In-Goal-Areas", and have to be forcibly removed by the match stewards.

6. Two members of the South African team will claim to be more important than the other 13, whom they will imprison between the posts. These two will then go about selecting the best parts of the pitch to settle on and claim they have been there for centuries.

7. The Americans will not attend until almost full time. In future years they will amend the records to show that they were, in fact, the most important team in the tournament, and Hollywood will produce a blockbuster film called "Saving Flanker Ryan".

8. Five of the Canadian team will sing "Le Marseillaise" and hold the rest of the team to ransom.

9. The Italian team will arrive in Armani gear, sexually harass the female officials, and then prepare pasta dishes, which they will then flog to the crowd for a fortune.

10. The Japanese will shock fans by demonstrating how to capture a whale for scientific research by harpooning an opposition prop.

11. The French won't have a pre-match display and will simply hide in fear in the dressing room for the whole match.

12. The Australians will have a barbecue on their side of the field and invite the opposition over before the game. The food and alcohol will be in abundance and, by the start of the game, no-one will remember what they came to the stadium for. After some streaking, the singing of dirty songs and the occasional chunder, everyone will go home thoroughly convinced it was a bloody good night.

13. The Moroccan team will quietly pray during the first half and then launch suicide attacks against the opposition after the break. Unfortunately, this strategy works well for the first game only, after which Morocco is forced to withdraw from the tournament due to lack of players.

14. Samoa will prepare a huge feast in the middle of the pitch by digging a large hole and filling it with burning embers. They will invite the opposition over by saying "We'd like to have you for dinner." Only when the opposition arrive at the pit will they realise that there is no meat and that they are, in fact, the main course.

Hopefully, with these policies now in place, further problems in this area should cease to exist.

OK. Repeat performance of last year - a barbeque and general drinking session at my gaff on Saturday the 25th. Bring your own booze (or pay me and I'll get cheap stuff in Asda), and if enough people want to chip in, we might hire a bouncy castle! If anyone wants to stay over apres le party, bring tents lol - mini-oxegen! Let me know on bebo or by text if you're in - fel free to invite anyone I remotely know!

'Twas doon by the inch o' Abbots
Oor Johnny walked one day
When he saw a sicht that troubled him
Far more than he could say
A fanatic muslim bastard
Wiz doin what he'd planned
And intae Glesca's departure hall
A Cherokee he'd rammed.

A big Glaswegian polis
Came forward tae assist
He thocht "a wumman driver"
Or at least someone half-pissed
But to his shock nae drunken Jock
Emerged to grasp his hand
But a flamin Arab loony
Frae yon Al Qaeda's band

The mad Islamist nut-case
Had set hissel' on fire
And swung oot at the polis
GBH his clear desire
Now that's no richt wur Johnny cried
And sallied intae the fray
A left hook and a gid heid butt
Required tae save the day.

Now listen up Bin Laden
Yir sort's nae wanted here
For imported English radicals
Us Scoatsman huv nae fear
Oor hame grown Glesca Asians
Will have nae bluidy truck
So tak yer worldwide jihad
An get yersel tae fuck!