Me and my hoe sandbag have put together a club for all of you unlucky casanovas out there who are too fat to fuck! We are available to talk to you fatty fatty boom booms who need help with this. All information will be kindly received and confidential, apart from me, because i will write another blog about how you can't have sex cos your JUST TOO OBESE.
So if you can't get a boner because your fat rolls are in the way, or you can't pull because your chins are obstructing you, give us a call. Our staff offer friendly advice on your weight/love life issues, and won't take the piss one bit. Nuh uh. Not at all!!

WHO ATE ALL THE PIES
WHO ATE ALL THE PIES

Fattys, leave me a comment, and I'll get back to you.
If you call either me or Caiflig, calls will be recorded and possibly put on Youtube.

W O U L D . U . R A T H E R ?
1. Pierce your nose or tongue? nose
2. Be serious or be funny? funny
3. Drink whole or skim milk? skim
4. Die in a fire or drown? drown
5. Spend time with your parents or enemies? parents

D O . Y O U . P R E F E R .
1. Flowers or candy? flowers
2. Grey or black? black
3. Colour or Black and white photos? black and white
4. Lust or love? Love
5. Sunrise or sunset? sunrise
6. M&Ms or Skittles? m&ms
8. Staying up late or bed early? late

A N S W E R . T R U T H F U L L Y !!
1. Do you like anyone? Yes
2. Do they know it? possibly

>D O . Y O U . P R E F E R .
>1. Sun or moon? Sun
>2. Winter or Autumn? Winter
>3. Left or right? Right
>4. 10 acquaintances or having two best friends? 10 acquaitances
>5. Sunny or rainy? sunny
>6. Vanilla ice cream or chocolate ice cream? choccy all the way!!

>A B O U T . Y O U!
>1. What time is it? 21:47
>2. First and middle Name? Sophie-Charlotte ALice
>3. Nickname? sos, soph, turtle, otti
>4. What is your birthday? 23-09-92
>5. What do you want? to fly
>6. Where do you want to live? ameraica!!

>U N I Q U E !
>1. Nervous habit: bite nails
>2. Are you double jointed? Yes
>3. Can you roll your tongue? no!!
>4. Can you raise one eyebrow? nope
>5. Can you cross your eyes? yar

>R A N D O M
>1. Ever thrown a shoe at someone? Yes
>2. What was the highest year anyone thought you were in? when the wierd math teacher woz hitting on me nd jess he sed he thought we wer in 6th form?

>O T H E R
>1. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it? Twirl
>2. Have you ever eaten Spam? NEVER WILL
>3. Favorite ice cream(s): ben and jerrys!
>4. What's your favorite non-alcohol drink? diet coke or any starbukcs!
>5. Do you cook? most deffinatly no, ask laura!

>IN . T H E . L A S T . M O N T H . H A V E . Y O U ?
>1. Bought something: Yer
>2. Sang: yes
>3. Been hugged: yes
>4. Felt stupid: yar
>5. Missed someone: Yep
>6. Danced crazy?: yep and always wil
>7. Gotten your hair cut: Yes
>8. Hooked Up?: Nope
>9. Lied: No what comes around goes around

On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)

On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)(Whose body?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(hmm...something must have gotten lost in the translation...)

On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)

On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this...)

On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)