'Your granny rid ur uncle'

'Submit ye bastard'

'Don't worry, don't worry, i'm a physio'

'Sorry there lad, whats in the bottle!?'
'Buckfast'
Laugh 'I didnt hear that, go on ahead'
'Worst security man ever'

'Is your name michael coz i probaly know yea?'

'Sorry cant hug you right now coz i've got a bit of a hardon'

'Wot kind of acreage does your father have?'
'How much of that is site passible?'
'Does any of your brothers have any debilitating diseases?'

'Hi everybody that gard stole my phone!'

'Enda made a girl cry'

'Time to get proactive'

'Motherfucker'
'Mother-fucking-fucker'
'Mother-fucking-goddame-fucker'

'Screw you enda'

'Fuck you tommy'

'Fuck you u fucking ugly looking dirtbag, naw but seriously i realy like you'

'I left my dignity at dunsilly roundabout'

'Your granny rid ur uncle, shes now called your gruncle'

Tommy - 'What kind of acreage does your father have ?'
Niamh - 'Don't realy know tommy, ill still end up riding you anyway, but about twenty fields'
(All before Enda made her cry)

'Right fuck off boys give me the applejacks'

'Naw but seriously Lorna your going out way us in letterkenny'

'Enda why are we laughing so much at 6oclock in the morning!?!'
'Fuck off tommy!'
'Screw you enda!'

Tommy to canadian boy - 'Canada is full of a pile of french specking Quebec bastards, its america's gay brother, its got too many lakes, sum 41 are assholes and avril lavigne is a fucking dose!!!!!'

Canadian boy to Tommy - 'Ur a brit'

A sniper wouldn't take her out

She had a face on her like a well slapped a*se

If I'd a bag of bruised willies I wouldn't give her one

Your' re as welcome as a fart in a spacesuit

My mouth's as dry as a nuns cr@ck

He has rubber-lined pockets so he can steal soup

He thinks manual labour is a Spanish musician

As funny as a burning orphanage

He's so camp, he shites tent pegs

I'm as sick as a plane to Lourdes

i feel like a boiled sh1te (hungover)

(when leaving) I'm off like a debs dress

She had a face on her that would drive rats from a barn

As busy as the dalkey dole office

Sweatin' like a paedophile in a Barney suit

As tight as a nun's knickers

I'm so horny I'd get up on the crack of dawn

I'd crawl a million miles across broken glass to kiss the

exhaust of the van that took her dirty knickers to the laundry.

Up and down like a hoor's knickers

No show pony but would do for a ride around the house

Did your mother find out who your father is yet?

What would ye expect from a pig but a grunt

I left her with a face like a painters radio

A mickey the size of a double-value can of Right Guard

Jaysus, she could breastfeed a crèche

As fit as a butcher's dog

She ' s got more chins than a Chinese phone book

Not even the tide would take her out

Mother Teresa wouldn 't kiss her

Daz wouldn't shift her

Des Kelly wouldn't lay her

Jaysus, ya wouldn't ride her into battle

She has a face on her like a bulldog that's just licked p*ss off a nettle

She wouldn't get a kick in a stampede

She had a f@nny like a badly packed kebab

If I'd a garden full of mickeys I wouldn't let her look over
the wall

Give her a boot in the hole and a bucket of mickeys would fall out of her f@nny

Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.

I'd rather see a pregnant woman standing on the bus than a fat girl sitting down crying.

I've got a friend whose nickname is "Shagger". You might think that's pretty cool. She doesn't like it.

Sting is always boasting about his eight-hour tantric sex sessions with his wife, Trudie Styler. Imagine how long he could keep it up if she was a looker.

Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovasular workout but you also don't die.

Throwing acid is wrong - in some people's eyes.

When someone close to you dies, move seats.

I was born in Slough in the 1970's, if you want to know what Slough was like in the 1970's, go there now.

I went to the dog races the other day, it was like Ascot for chavs.

See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. Rohypnol(TM).

I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow... children. That can't be good for their self esteem.

No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea.

When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in Mexico last summer, I was listening to Michael Bolton.

Boxers don't have sex before a fight, do you know why that is? They don't fancy each other.

Better warn you that in my act there is a certain amount of bad language. And I'm not talking split infinitives, there will be some swearing and there is material of a sexual nature. So if you are easily offended, don't be a cunt about it.

A dog is for life not just for Christmas… so be careful at the next office Christmas party.

I went up to the airport information desk. I said how many airports are there in the world?

When people say they hear voices in their heads, as opposed to where, exactly? Now hearing voices in your legs, that's crazy

My girlfriends reading a book called "Women who love too much" which I think should have the title shortened, to "Sluts".

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.

Someone once came up to me and asked "If you could sleep with anyone living or dead, who would it be?" And I said "Anyone living."

Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was all this time?"

I was out with a friend and he came over with a pair of girls. I said to him "They're like buses." He said "What? Because you wait for ages and then two come along at once." I said "No, they are like buses!"

A girl once came up to me after a show and said "I think your fatist." I said "I think you'll find you're fattest."

I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem.

If we are all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?

There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me "oh don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys". Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it's happening to more than one of us, don't you think it could be YOUR fault?

I hate those e-mails where they try to sell you penis enhancers. I got ten just the other day. Eight of them from my girlfriend. It's the two from my mum that really hurt.

My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, Fatty."

Has anyone else seen those incredibly powerful advertisements in cinemas where each time a famous person clicked their fingers, an African child dies? I watched those, and couldn't help thinking, 'Well stop clicking your fingers!"

My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger." Before the accident.

Theres been a lot of talk about genetic engineering I was wondering, is it wrong to breed piglets specifically for the purposes of weaning paedophiles off babies,only I'm thinking of starting a company called "They'll squea