Chapter Seven – A Temporary Darkening of the Stool

The AntiD’s soon found themselves moderately wealthy thanks to brisk sales of ‘Achtung Maybe’, and unwisely began to turn their attention to projects other than music. The most notable of these was a documentary produced and presented by Mike, called ‘Screaming Broccoli’, in which he fufilled his long-held ambition to show vegetarians that vegetables have feelings too. The filming of this documentary, during which Mike spent three months travelling the world to show vegetarians how unwittingly cruel they were, proved to be an enormous drain on The AntiD’s finances as he drew more and more expenses from the band’s accounts. When one expense form, scrawled on a beer mat , claiming for the cost of ‘hookers and blow’ arrived into the record label’s offices, Mike was cut off from accessing the band’s money, and forced to return to Ireland. Upon his return, he was savagely beaten by his bandmates before he could disembark from the plane, and hospitalized for several months. The documentary was never finished, due mainly to the fact that during his extensive travels, Mike managed to film only ten minutes of shaky footage, in which he was seen to hurl drunken insults at a vegetarian food stall in a New Orleans marketplace.

Once again the AntiD’s found themselves short of money, and returned to the studio to begin work on their second album, which they hoped would restore their fortunes. But recording proved difficult, as the band members were unable to concentrate on song writing, and Mike, temporarily paralyzed from the nose down, was unable to play guitar. In order to save themselves from bankruptcy, Kathryn suggested that the band start performing live shows, and employ shock tactics to draw crowds in. The AntiD’s took to this style of performance with gusto, and with shocking speed, their live shows began to take on gratuitously violent and pornographic themes, culminating in their now-infamous ‘Naked Thursday’ concert. During the ensuing chaos (described in Brid’s autobiography as ‘a riotous orgy’), the band were all arrested on charges of aggravated public indecency, and incitement to nudity.

Still virtually bankrupt, the band appealed for assistance, and were provided with legal representation in the form of Dr. Nicholas ‘Nigga’ Geoghegan. Although he was more accustomed to dealing with cases of copyright infringement in pornography films, Dr. Nick succeeded in defending the band, pointing out that the concert tickets on that day did carry small print warnings of ‘possible nudity, fires and potential fatal injury to those seated in the first ten rows’, a warning that was later made a standard footnote on all AntiD’s concert tickets. Dr. Nick was immediately asked to become the band’s full-time legal representative, and to celebrate his new legitimate job, and his new client’s acquittal, he treated the AntiD’s to a ‘relentless’, week-long binge of drink, drugs, brothels and smarties, which decimated what remained of their sanity, and left the band with a collective gap their memories.

Work on their second album resumed as soon as they had recovered, and progressed slowly, heavily influenced by the vague memories of ‘that week’ that periodically resurfaced in the AntiD’s minds during the following months, inspiring tracks such as ‘Colosto You, Colosto Me’ and ‘Murdering Hobos is Fun’. Despite allegations of murder, abduction, unnecessary amateur surgery, and song titles that amounted to a confession in many people’s minds, Dr. Nick categorically denied that anything ‘that illegal’ occurred during that week, and that the sometimes disturbing album content was simply the AntiD’s using their drug-addled imaginations. ‘Arse Biscuits’ was released in mid-2005, but suffered poor sales and even poorer critical reviews, with the album being labelled

Chapter 6 – Six Fat Guys Who Rock

Wasting no time, The AntiD's began recording their first album in mid-2004, under the working title of </i>'Your Naked Mother'</i>. But, it soon became obvious that the shed in the field behind Ronan's house was not a suitable recording studio, exposed as it was to changeable weather and curious farm animals chewing through electrical leads. Several dead sheep later, the band wisely decided to relocate to a recording studio, and paid part of their recording costs in mutton and slightly burnt wool. Unable to find a record company who would sign a contract with them because of their infamous showband past, The AntiDs were eventually forced to set up their own label, which they named Toiling Midget Records. For tax purposes, the company was officially listed as a record label and supplier of undergarments to the Pope. Thanks to the creative book-keeping of Andrew, (who comprised the label's entire staff) Revenue ended up owing Toiling Midget Records €10,437.29 in tax refunds, most of which was set aside for the costs of releasing 'Your Naked Mother'.

Work on the album progressed well over the following weeks, and it was during this time that the AntiD's met Kathryn O' Shea-De Beaumarchais, who would later become their manager. While waiting in court to answer charges of public indecency, Brid started to talk to Kathryn, who was there awaiting her own case, brought by Longford-based country-and-western band 'Interspecies Love Child', whom she had previously managed, and who alleged she had broken her contract by calling them 'crap'. Happily, both Brid and Kathryn had their cases settled in their favour, and during the drunken celebrations afterwards, the other AntiDs convinced Kathryn to sign a management contract. The following morning, upon discovering the contract, signed in crayon, Kathryn immediately set about re-negotiating several of the more bizarre conditions. Of particular concern was a clause that stipulated she must provide and drive a Popemobile-like vehicle for each band member, and another which said she was to dedicate at least three hours a week constructing a case to prove that O.J. was indeed innocent.

Having agreed to take a pay cut in return for eliminating the ridiculous clauses, and despite being warned of the band members previous behaviour, their various eccentricities and perversions, Kathryn then agreed what was still described as one of the most unusual management contracts in the music industry, which still contained the conditions that, among other things, she was not to allow Dana Rosemary Scallon within four hundred metres of the AntiD's at any time, and that she takes personal responsibility for making sure that the band have access to tea at all times, whether in the studio or performing.

With the issues of management and publishing dealt with, the AntiD's were free to concentrate on their music, and in December, recording, editing and mixing of 'Your Naked Mother' was completed. Foreseeing the album cover images that the title would inevitably lead to, Kathryn pre-emptively asked the AntiD's to change the album's name. Despite cries of "no way man, our albums are like our children!" and "nark!" from the AntiD's, they eventually agreed that the album's content was already controversial enough, especially after seeing a draft sketch of the album cover drawn by Ronan, (described as 'anatomically correct' in subsequent interviews) and so set about deciding a new title. The following day, before the scheduled brainstorming meeting, Paddy was discovered in the studio's broom closet with a moderately-priced German escort, and during the ensuing confusion and shouts of "Achtung!", Mike came up with the alternative names of "Defiled Broom Closet" and "Achtung Maybe" – the latter won by a margin of two votes when put to his fellow band members. The AntiD's were ready to rock and or roll.

On the 3rd of January 2005

Chapter Five - Adventures in Conference Centres

Once Brid, Ray, Ronan and Andrew realised that they could pass off their strumming as a form of therapy, they immediately volunteered to form a band, and entertain their fellow ‘inmates’, as they fondly referred to them, for half an hour every Wednesday afternoon. This gave the mentally fragile musicians a chance to get re-accustomed with performing, and although one member of staff branded their music as ‘tuneless strumming of little benefit to anyone, least of all themselves’ – an accusation that would be levelled at them many times in the future - Ray, Brid and Andrew were all given time off for good behaviour, and released into the world once again, having being deemed ‘no longer a threat to society’. Three days later, Ronan was simply guided to the exit, and given a packet of cigarettes by way of apology for his accidental seven month stint in the institution. Unleashed upon decent society once more, they began to plot how to again create a ‘super-awesome’ band, and get their revenge on Paddy.

Meanwhile, Mike, having abandoned his musical career, had since turned to writing popular chick-lit novels under the pseudonym ‘Cecilia Ahern’, making millions of euros in book sales, much of which was spent on hookers and drugs donations to orphanages, and funding his pet project, The Galway Soviet. This 0.63 acre statelet, commanding spectacular views of Galway Bay, allowed Mike to live out his socialist fantasy, and conveniently dodge Irish tax regulations. However, this peaceful situation was abruptly shattered one cold February morning when The Revenue Commissioners and the real Cecilia Ahern turned up at the front door of the Galway Soviet to demand Mike pay his tax arrears and cease and desist from wearing a blonde wig. Mike was subsequently bankrupted and forced to reduce the Soviet to an area of one square metre immediately around his person.

Still blissfully ignorant of the threat that was about to gang up on him, Paddy continued to conduct his election campaign, portraying himself as a ‘man of the people’, by using public transport to get to events, a gimmick which led to him often being late, catching infections, and on at least three separate occasions, being molested. Often delayed or completely missing from events and functions, Paddy’s opinion poll ratings began to slip, with the exception of his consistent popularity among housewives. His campaign suffered further when his former bandmates, unable to come up with a more intelligent form of revenge, began to heavily disguise themselves with moustaches and sombreros, and attending all his public appearances, constantly asked Paddy loud, pointless, awkward and absurd questions which he struggled to answer, including one televised appearance when a heavily moustached and intoxicated Ronan stood up and asked Paddy “if you could be invisible for one hour, where would you go and what would you do?”. Paddy’s ill-thought-out Salma Hayek-based answer caused a national scandal, and alienated his last strong area of support, the housewives. Eliminated embarrassingly early from the count, Paddy was devastated. Fortunately, after a few slaps in the face and a smack in the mouth with a guitar, Paddy was invited to re-join his old bandmates, as was Mike, who had phoned Andrew to help him make bail after he had accused several people he had passed on the street ‘of illegally entering the Soviet’, and detained them against their will.

Re-united again, the former mood swings decided that this time, their new band would conquer the charts and enslave humanity by encompassing every genre of music known to man, with the exception of dancehall music and avant-garde music, which all six agreed were ‘traumatic’ and ‘bollocks’ respectively. Their next step was to decide on a name for their new band. In what turned out to be a fateful decision, the former mood swin