Take the juice from one bottle of that Ol' Janx Spirit.

Pour into it one measure of water from the seas of Santraginus V

Allow three cubes of Arcturan Mega-gin to melt into the mixture (it must be properly iced or the benzene is lost).

Allow four litres of Fallian marsh gas to bubble through it (in memory of all those happy Hikers who have died of pleasure in the Marshes of Fallia).

Over the back of a silver spoon float a measure of Qualactin Hypermint extract, redolent of all the heady odours of the dark Qualactin Zones.

Drop in the tooth of an Algolian Suntiger. Watch it dissolve, spreading the fires of the Algolian suns deep into the heart of the drink.

Sprinkle Zamphour.
Add an olive.
Drink...but very carefully.

1. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

2. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus in it.

3.Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

4.The man next door has a large erection in the garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

5. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

6. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

7. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.

8. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

9. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path, my wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant?

10. I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every morning at 6:00am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

11. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

12. I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was that bad wind the other night that blew them off.

13. I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have had no satisfaction.

14. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.

15. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it any more.

16. Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

17. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

18.Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two small children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

I share a birthday with:

1929 – Patricia Routledge, English actress
1930 – Ruth Rendell, English writer
1963 – Michael Jordan, American basketball player
1965 – Michael Bay, American film director
1966 – Quorthon, Swedish musician (Bathory) (d. 2004)
1972 – Billie Joe Armstrong, American musician (Green Day)
1972 – Taylor Hawkins, American musician (Foo Fighters)
1981 – Paris Hilton, American actress and heiress
1982 – Adriano, Brazilian footballer
1989 – Rebecca Adlington, British swimmer
1991 – Bonnie Wright, British actress (Ginny Weasley)