Hey I realized I haven't been posting my blogs here so here are the last few I've written
Thursday, August 24, 2006

The Hallway
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Dreams and the Supernatural


I realize that after reading this some people may think that I am crazy, that no longer matters. I'm pretty sure I am at least a little crazy. I'm posting this in hopes that someone will read it and maybe be able to give me a little advice or insight or something.

Anyway, there is a hallway in my mind. One I accidentally stumbled upon during an experiment. I have since visited this hallway many times. Every time I close my eyes for more than a couple seconds actually. Let me tell you about it.

The first time I visited my hallway was kind of an accident. I was doing an experiment with self-hypnosis. I found myself standing at the end of a hallway with doors lining both walls and the only light coming from behind me. All of the doors were shut and I was going to open them. None of the doors I opened were locked. I didn't really look in the doors as I opened them but I probably wouldn't have seen anything had I looked. The rooms were all dark and the doors shut as soon as I went to the next one. All of them except one.

This door was special. Oh on the outside it looked like every other door. I simply didn't notice it. Atleast not until I had already walked past it and opened the next door. When I realized I had missed that door I went back and opened it. This room didn't seem to have any walls. It was simply.........light. In the middle of this room is a tree. I have no idea what kind of tree it is and I'm not sure if it's important or not, but this tree glowed. Well, not glowed so much as seemed made of light. Bright but not too bright to look at. That was the last door I opened that day.

The tree, the room, and the hallway were soon forgotten. I had more important things to worry about. Last week changed all that. Last week I almost brought up a supressed memory. Entirely by accident of course but that doesn't really matter. After my initial breakdown as the memory tried to surface, I calmed myself down and went on with life. Unfortunately that memory stayed just beneath my conscious mind, nagging at me to remember. After a few days I was getting pretty irritated and turned to a close friend for advice on remembering repressed memories. He suggested meditating. Well I have no idea how to meditate so he agreed to teach me when we got a chance. That didn't help me at the moment so when I got off the phone with him I was still a bit upset. I just closed my eyes and tried to think of a calm place. I was suddenly in the room with my tree.

I calmed down pretty quickly and fell asleep. When I woke up the memory seemed to have left or gone back or whatever but it wasn't bothering me anymore. The next night when I closed my eyes I could see the room again. I was standing outside it but there was something wrong. The tree was covered with what seemed to be living shadows. Nightmares? Repressed memories? I don't know but I knew it wasn't good. I forced myself to think of something else and fell asleep.

Now everytime I close my eyes I'm there in the doorway looking at this tree. I think I can almost see the end of the hallway when I look that way. The tree kind of lights the hall. I would guess it's maybe 1/3 to 1/2 way down the hall. It almost seemed normal tonight as I stood there looking at the tree but as I stood there I saw a shadow slipping across a branch. Just a small one, and I only caught a glimpse but it was there.

So what does it mean? Is it just the wild construction of an overactive imagination? Or does it have some bearing on my life or the workings of my mind? I honestly couldn't say at this point.



Tuesday, August 08, 2006

If I could
Current mood: hopeful


If I could fly anywhere, I would fly into yo

It's been a while since I posted a blog but it's been crazy in my life. I feel somewhat lost at the moment. There is something I want but I'm not sure what it is. There is some thing I've lost but I can't seem to find it. Perhaps that's because I'm not really sure what that is either. I just know that there is something missing in my life. Something that used to make me happy. Without it I'm rather sad. How do you find what you're looking for if you don't know what it is? What is it that I've lost? Is it the innocence of youth? Is it the friends? I just don't know. I do know that I have been very close to tears way to often lately. I'm not really one to cry over little things but it seems lately that it's almost all I want to do. Oh well. Such is

So I had a couple days off of work and decided to go visit family. Would have been cool except I was sick the whole time. Oh, and the fact that the day before I came back to Denver I got a text message from my boss telling me to check my e-mail. Odd. So I checked my e-mail and learn that I no longer have a job. Isn't that nice? I think I should be upset about it but I'm not really. I'm not happy about it, but I'm not upset either. Actually I feel a complete lack of emotion about the whole thing. Well, maybe not the whole thing, I am a little anoyed that she told me in an e-mail.
So, as usual I am packing up my things and going back to be with my family. It seems that's what I always do when things change. I always go back to Utah. I wonder why that is.