*This is an excerpt from something I wrote for my journal. I am RARELY *this* open publicly but I am really just so sad/hurt/tired from the way I am treated (or rather, not) on a day to day basis by the majority of people I know that I really don't know what else to do. I am tired of apologising for being American, for being different- whatever happened to people who ENJOYED being friends with 'foreigners' BECAUSE they saw things differently?
All I know is I spend way too much time feeling unloved, unappreciated, ignored...
I don't know what else to do, my instinct in difficult situations is to just be honest.
Like as not I'll change my mind later and delete this but, in the mean time, if you see it... do as you will. Certainly don't feel obligated to respond as, if you could be bothered to read it in the first place, you probably aren't one of the people to whom it applies anyway.
Cheers*



Mainly I’m angry that no one seems to give a shit about me.
Yes that’s a broad, general statement and as such, is clearly not true. You all care or you wouldn’t be reading.
I remind myself constantly that a LOT of people care about me.
I try NOT to remind myself that my distance from the majority of them is my own fault, given that I’m working on building myself UP and feeling BETTER about myself… :p

I just don’t fucking get it. I don’t get what’s with people here. Although it may be unfair to say ‘here’ given that there are plenty of variations, culturally, even among this small country, and also that I’m sure a lot has to do with ‘where I am in life’- i.e. I’m not a student anymore, I’m not in my early 20s/in that student scene where its easy and constant to be social and meet people and meet their friends and so on and so forth… I have a feeling being mid-20s anywhere is no fucking stroll in the park.

I try to enjoy being ‘single in the city’ because surely, SOMEDAY, I will have a husband and home in the country and I will likely be bored and get tired of both- and miss what I have now. So I’m trying to enjoy what ive got while I’ve got it. I really am. But I’m so tired of thinking of EVERYTHING…. And in any case, mostly I wonder what fucking good any of it makes- living in the city, going out to drink and/or play music, trying to befriend people you meet, or friends of friends, and generally being honest and making an attempt to communicate with people and be friendly, sending texts and invitations to various gigs or nights out, etc etc etc-

I just feel like I TRY and I try, and no one gives a shit. I am THIS close to sending a text to the people I always text about things who not only never come, but who NEVER TEXT BACK. Nothing. Ever. I’m not fucking asking people to bend to my every whim, or arrange their lives around me, or to answer immediately every contact I make with them.
But SOME kind of indication of friendship, SOME kind of response at SOME point in time, even if only one to every few texts I send- ANYTHING would be appreciated.
And it seems like the more open I am about what I’m going through, or how its difficult for me to have social networks given that I’m alone in this city and have few connections to anyone or anything, the less people give a shit.

I know its different here than in the states, approaches are totally different; I know people don’t like saying ‘no,’ I know people often assume things don’t NEED to be said (i.e. I used to have a friend who said the reason folks here don’t say ‘I love you’ to each other is because it’s clear from the friendship itself that its true, words aren’t needed. And I respect that, and appreciate it)… but the fact is, if I NEVER get ANYTHING from people- am I meant to just smile on and say no its ok that I make an EFFORT and spend energy and money and time and thought on you or on trying to – only OCCASIONALLY – have some kind of contact or spend time together, when I get absolutely

Yo!
GIg at the Local, sauchiehall st. Weds 13 Aug, bout 8 pm.
come hang out :]
its fun.

Hello folks!

If you're in/near Dundee pay attention, there's a pop quiz later.

Saturday, Hustler's PoolHall on N.Lindsay St in Dundee.
8 pm.

I am playing... so are
Miss Becca, James Keegan, Jonny Downie, and (acoustic)rockers, Isis.

Come out and play.
That is all.