Q: How do you get a Celtic fan to stand up?
A: Say "Will the defendant please rise."

A Rangers fan and a Celtic fan get into a car accident, and it's a bad one. Both cars (with football stickers on windows) are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the Celtic fan says, "So you're a Rangers fan, that's interesting. I'm a Celtic fan... Wow! Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."
The Rangers fan replied," I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God!" The Rangers fan continued, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of whisky didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this and celebrate our good fortune."
Then he hands the bottle to the Celtic fan. The Celtic fan nods his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few big swigs from the bottle, then hands it back to the Rangers fan. The Rangers fan takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the Celtic fan.
The Celtic fan asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The Rangers fan replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."


Q: Do you know what CELTIC really stands for?
A: Celtic Even Lost To Inverness Caley

Q: What do you have when 100 Celtic fans are buried up to their necks in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

A Celtic supporting family were out shopping and ended up in a sports shop. Little Shaun suddenly puts on a Rangers shirt and says to his sister 'Look, I'm a Rangers fan!' His sister slaps him across the face and orders him to show their mum.
He wanders over to his mum and says Ma look, 'I'm a Rangers fan' His mother also slaps him across the face and orders him to show his dad. He finds his dad and say's 'Da', da', I'm a Rangers fan' His dad looks at him and them he also slaps him across the face.
On their way home in the car the family turn to him and say 'Well we hope you've learned something today' To which little Shaun replies 'Yeah, I've only been a Rangers fan for twenty minutes and I already hate you Celtic bastards!'


There was a group of people on a tour-bus. The guide on the bus asked if anyone on the bus could tell the rest a joke, whereupon a man got up and said that he could tell a Celtic joke.
Suddenly a bloke in the back of the bus said 'No, don`t do that pal. I'm a Celtic fan!' The guide looked at him and said 'That's okay we'll explain it to you afterwards'.

Q:Why do people take a instant dislike to Celtic fans?
A: Because it saves time.


A Rangers fan and Celtic fan stumble upon a magic lamp.
The Rangers fan gets to it first, picks it up and gives it a rub. There's a flash, a puff of smoke, and a genie appears.
The genie looks at the 2 men and demands to know who it was that rubbed the lamp. Delighted, the
Rangers fan announces that it was him.
"Okay," says the genie, "So you get 3 wishes. But there's a catch."
"What's that then?" asks the 'Gers fan.
"Well, whatever you wish for, I'll give the other guy double."
"That's alright with me," says the 'Gers fan, and starts the ball rolling by wishing for a million pounds.
"Granted!" says the genie, "But the Celtic fan gets 2 million."
"Fair enough. Now, I'd like a nice new Ferrari,"
"Done. But the Celtic fan gets 2 Ferraris."
"Okay," says the Rangers fan, "I'd like to donate a kidney."


A female celtic fan goes to the council to register for child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the council worker "10" replies the celtic fan
"10???" says the council worker.. "What are their names?"
"Declan, Declan, Declan, Declan, Declan, Declan, Declan, Declan, Declan and Declan"
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." she says "its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout DECLAAAN, YER DINNER'S READY or DECLAN GO TO BED NOW and they

walking through hackney on sunday afternoon and what do we come across, 2 junkies smoking crack in a phonebox, absolutely destroyed, point! laugh! watch junkis clock us laughing at them! nothing they can do except continue smoking crack.

i heart london!

chiara getting run over in the safeway carpark.

id pay money to see that!