1) The "fishing" text.

This text is normally along the lines of: "So wot u up 2 later?" or "U out tonight?", "Ocean?"
Despite appearing innocent at first, this type of text is far from it. Sent at 3am, this generally should be translated as:"Im drunk, horny and haven't pulled tonight. Where is my back up shag? I wanna come round and jump your bones right now!"

Typical response rate is around 10%. The determinates of a successful "fishing" text are alcohol levels in the person receiving the text, how filthy they are, and your marginal propensity to sleep.

A "fishing" text is at its worst wen sent to an ex. Just dont do it! Remove her number from your phone, or, do what i did, simply put "No" after/b4 her name in your phone book as a gentle reminder to avoid embarrassing yourself. some examples of this type of text are "You're a fuckin prick. I dont need you anymore. I'm having an amazing time with you.I never want to see you again. I'm out with the girls and we're havin an amazing time.. I'm horny.. Where are you?"

(Apparently the aussie's have got this sorted. You can ring up a company b4 you got out and have a specific number barred from your phone for the night! Awesome!)


2) The "T9" classic
For those geeks up on your phone lingo "T9" refers to the predictive text facility found on most mobile phones. Such a programme, whilst useful during the day, can wreak havoc whilst texting under the influence of alcohol.

My personal favourites:

"In supermarket. Fucking steve." Thanks Camilla Begg (London)

"wish i was inside your gorgeous aunt right now" (thanks Colette- Nottingham)

The local boozer in town is called the crown, so wen my 'mate dave' asked a particularly nice female if she wanted to meet up:

''fancy gettin food in the crown?''

it inevitably got written as:

''fancy gettin done in the brown?''

(Special thanks to James Osborne - Sheffield Hallam for that one!)

"Fancy a dual?"

This last one is also classed as a "fishing" text since, as u may have realised, "dual" should say "fuck".
Fortunately, the girl i sent this baby to saw the funny side and hadn't been drinking. She sent the following reply:

"Andy, unfortunately i hav no desire to don full body armour, a sword, and a shield, grab my horse and ride over to urs for a "dual". Oh, and i certainly dont want sex with u!"

3) The "friend locator" text
The only type of text to be sent without sexual motivation. Picture the following situation:

You've just met some chick and your mates have fucked off to leave u to it. At which point she realises your chat stinks and she makes an excuse to go find her friends. U are left alone to fend for yourself. You reach for your mobile phone and attempt to call your frends several times b4 realising they will not be able to hear them ring. Your solution is to send the following message:

"Wher u? Ho on dancefloor" Or some other incomprehensible crap.

This situation is exhasbirated in the following Nottingham nightclubs:
ISIS, Oceana cheese room and The Lizard Lounge, since you have fuck all signal and must except the fact u will be paying for the entire taxi fair home, or play that game outside the club where u go up to people u loosely recognise and start asking "lenton anyone?".

Response rate: 0.01%

4) "Declarations of undying love"

No doubt the most embarassing of the drunken texts. Do you recognise any of the following?

"You are the most beautiful girl in the world!" - Ergh!

"I love u!"

"Love you millions"

"Why cant all guys be as fit like you!"

"Missing you!" / "I miss you so much!" (My personal worst - I'm always sending it)

"Im so into you right now."

It should be noted that for no apparent reason the number of kisses on the end of the text increases to some exponential figure. x x x x x x x x x x x x x

Response rate: 0% and by sheer coincidence thats exactly how much sex you'll be getting from her after sending it. And also the amount

This needs to b said!!
A Message from the barstaff:
1.Please remember to order one drink at a time as we like to run backwards
and forwards, it keeps us fit.

2.When ordering a round please make sure that you don't know what you want
when you arrive at the bar. We like to stand and wait while you nip back &
forth or shout across the room to find out, (although we do find that other
customers who have been waiting for 1/2 an hour tend to start moaning, but
hey, that's not your problem!)

3.Once you have received two drinks please take them back to your table and
stay for a quick chat before coming back to pay. We'll still be waiting,
we're not going anywhere and we appreciate the rest.

4.Always order stout last. We really want you to stand at the bar with all
your other drinks while it settles, and are particularly pleased when we forget about it and have to be reminded to top it up.

5.Never put money in our hands. We like to pick it up off the bar, especially
if it's all in change in a puddle of beer.

6.Never say please or thank you - the shock could bring on a heart attack.

7.Always wait until we have rung your round into the till before asking for
crisps, nuts, snacks etc.

8.When requiring Ready Salted crisps please ensure that you ask for the full
range of flavors available before asking for 'plain' - it helps us learn
the stock.

9.If you have been waiting at the bar for at least two minutes please heckle
us and tell us you have been there for 1/2 an hour - it keeps us on our
toes as we have no concept of time.

10.Can we remind you that the bell is there just to make sure you are awake -
we don't want you to come to the bar for last orders until two minutes past
eleven when we have turned the lights off.

11.If not 'of the faith' when spotting the water jug on the bar please shout '
what's that, holy water?' - although we have heard it a million times
before we never cease to find it hilarious.

12.When buying a pint for Tom, Colin etc. please don't ask them what they want
- just tell us their name and point out where they're standing because we
like to guess and get such a thrill when we get it right

The new Limerick hurling manager sent scouts out around the world
looking for a new centre forward to replace his old and decrepid players hoping to win the Liam McCarthy. One of the scouts informs him of a Young Iraqi GAA player who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar.The manager flies to Baghdad to watch him and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over.Two weeks later Limerick are 4-10 to 1-10 down to Tipp with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Iraqi lad the nod and on he goes.
The lad is a sensation, scores 4 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Limerick .The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star. When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first game in the Championship.Hello mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 3 goals down but I scored 4 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans,the media, they all love me."
"Wonderful," says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, while you were having a great time." The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry."
"Sorry?!" says his mum, "You're f**king sorry???? It's your fault we moved to Limerick in the first place!"