1. Pincushion
2. Doorstop
3. Paperweight
4. Bottle Stopper
5. Low-maintenance pet
6. Comical false moustache
7. Novelty dog turd
8. Faintly sinister buttonhole for Mafia wedding
9. Biodegradable key fob
10. Emergency cricket bails
11. Aromatic candles for people who hate the smell of vanilla
12. Stoat coshes
13. German currency
14. Speed bumps for model village
15. Draught excluder for doll's house
16. Show-jumping fences for mice
17. Pick-up Stix for the short-sighted
18. Butcher's bunting
19. Relay batons for pre-school children
20. Shoe trees for people with small, tubular feet
21. Flush tester for lavatory factory
22. Hair rollers for ladies whose husbands like them to smell of meat
23. Handicap baseball for top player in game against toddlers
24. Ten chipolatas will keep a pair of gloves shapely
25. Nuclear submarine for fish tank
26. Paint roller for creosoting shed
27. Hand warmer
28. Hamster bolster (place in baby's cotton sock)
29.Instant pork stuffing for roast snake
30. Fingers for snowman
31. Massive compensatory cock for Action Man
32. Substitute torch batteries for torch that wasn't working anyway
33. Flagpole for small, stout flag
34. Pretend cigar for non-smoking movie mogul
35. Voodoo doll for militant feminist
36. Jiggle-it-yourself energy-saving vibrator
37. Splint for broken finger
38. Conversation piece for short, not very interesting conversation
39. Device for distracting guard dog when breaking into statley home
40. Horrible warning example to naughty pig
41. Ornament which changes colour and texture over time
42. Bookmark for one of those cardboard children's books with only four pages in
43. Subbueto flicker
44. Ostentatious earplugs to impress upon others that you're not listening
45. Sex doll for slug
46. Wind chimes for people who don't like the sound of wind chimes
47. Window dressing for condom shop (if there is such a thing)
48. Scaled-down logs for foyer display of large timber merchant
49. Incentive to dangle in front of carnivorous donkey
50. Non-chicken drumsticks
51. Replacement for lost lead-piping piece in game of Cluedo
52. Easy-to-conceal truncheon for non-violent secret policemen
53. Travel bathplug
54. Rehearsal harmonica
55. Edible perch for baby eagle
56. Bait for dogfish
57. Barrel cleaner for sawn-off shotgun
58. Altogether more interesting Big Brother contestant
59. Teether (exposes baby to salmonella, improves immune system)
60. Stylus for records you don't want to listen to any more
61. Paint white and use as smart fenders for 1/72 scale yacht
62. Pin two to an Alice band for instant rabbit costume
63. Pin four to underpants for instant cow costume
64. Glue parsley onto top to make realistic baobab tree for train set
65. Use instead of air for puncture-proof inner tube for bike tyre
66. Placebo in scientific tests of sausage-shaped drugs
67. Retirement home for maggots
68. Hands of unusual clock
69. Tusks of unusual walrus sculpture
70. Manlier alternative to liquorice in sherbet fountain
71. Charisma implant for the discerning Speedo-wearer
72. Necktie to distract attention from someone with weird neck
73. Temporary stopcock for strange hole int wall of public toilet
74. Hollow out and use as straw for milk
75. Daub with ketchup, pretend to have amputated finger
76. Now you too can practice circumcision without fear!
77. Ian Hislop action figure
78. Something to produce when asked if you have a Nectar card
79. Darts you can use in complete confidence that no one will die
80. Stick several up bottom and tell doctor you think you might have haemorrhoids
81. Eye-catching alternative to tinsel
82. Edible solution to runny noses
83. Crime-proof jemmy for burglars
84. Non-vegan Rawlplugs
85. Banana boat for frogs
86. A common enemy for Israelis and Palestinians
87. Leatherette-look gear stick
88. Can be eaten with mashed potato, baked beans and gravy.