Hey all.

The reason I say no title, is well, I don't know what Im feeling.. Im just feeling.. a lot. Stressed, over nothing, empty, yet open hearted and minded, and well, I feel drained.. like theres no point to anything I do. So, Im writing this, and well, Im just gonna write what I feel, not delete anything, and just.. let my mind empty a bit.

The last few weeks have been the most stressful of my life.
No job.
No licence... no, I don't have a licence - I lost it for speeding.
No car.
No way to get food.. well, unless I call someone.
Basically, I feel pointless, like a burden on people, I have to ask someone for help for everything I do. And well, that eats at you. You realise exactly how easy things are, when you can't do something.

Anyways.. last night, everything came to a peak... I flipped out, destroyed a bass guitar - cheapo one - started walking into Blayney, and was saved by Crispy - Whos been a great friend for me through the last month, thank you man, undying respect - and he took me into Blayney, and once there.... I proceeded to fuck things up for those around me. By this point, Id already gone off at one friend, on MSN before I left, and needed to get out of the house, but I stupidly took my mobile, and began to fuck up everyone else as well. Liam in particular. Anyways, long story short, Im regretting almost everything that happened last night... and well, if I could take it back, I would, and Id just cruise round town with Crispy, hide my problems, and deal with them my own way, instead of pushing them onto those around me... it normally helps, but people need to ask, and well... I forced them.. big mistake.

I do have to thank some people though -
Camo
Jed
Brett
Ash
Lucas
Mick

Thanks for coming out last night guys. I might not have looked like I was in a bad way, but I was... and to a degree, still am.. but you guys helped me out. Its always good to know people are there for you. Always. So thank you.

Anyways... what am I going to do now? Well, I spose I'll do what I always do - Speak to whoever I can, cause I like to connect to people and get opinions, and try and salvage the pieces of my broken friendships up, and try to put them back together.

And what have I learnt? Well, so far Ive learnt that there are some people who you think are your friends who, in your time of need, will nto come and help you, no matter how much you need it. Some people are not worth the time. And although I know a few friends like it, I also know that its not that simple, and sometimes its easier to go through the pain of not having a "true friend" than it is to let go of the people you feel you need.

And anyone who wants to help me? Feel free to. Knowing me, I'm a bit of a hypocrit, and I'll probably try and push you away... just keep at it, and I will open up to you, if you want me to talk. I normally do.... something I need to work on

But I could use the help.

And not just listening help.. anyone who has a car, and is willing to drive me from my hosue, to town, for food and appointments and things, for some petrol money... it would be very much appreciated.

Thanks for reading guys, and I hope this blog isn't too depressing.
C yas next time.
When Im in a better mood.
I hope.
Quinny.

-Edit- Oh, and there is one more thing. I also need to apoloigise to Bailey, cause well, I think I fucked up your night as well. So sorry man. I know you don't like me, and won't accept, but well, I am sorry.

Hey again all.

This time Im writing because I have a big decision to make - Do I go to Uni in 2010, or do I stay in Blayney / Orange with my friends, family, and everything I know. Basically, do I take the leap?

So, why is being an open person involved in all this mess? Well, if I was a more closed person, I suppose this decision would be easier - less friends, well, less good friends, and that would mean less holding me here.

And thats got me thinking. Never a good thing, or always a good thing. Im not sure which yet.

I know alot of people who cannot connect to those around them, or who choose to connect in a "wrong" way, ie, "everything in my lifes bad, help" or "Im going to kill myself, save me by telling me how nice I am and how I shouldn't do it".

I think that being an open person is a very good thing. I like to think Im straight up and down, what I say is what I mean, and if I say something, that it can be trusted as meaning what I mean it to mean. Ie, I try not to lie, and I try to avoid making people think Im their friend unless I am, because thats how I want to be treated.

Being an open person, open, meaning willing to trust people without alot returned, prepared to talk to anyone about anything, and giving more chances than some people deserve, has lead me to have some great friends, and I mean, GREAT friends, who'd help me in a second if they were able to. The ones who spring to mind are Liam, Crispy, Gibbo, Michaela, Wade, and there are many other people who I am very close to.. though I don't know if they'd come to my rescue, they are there for me when I need them.

Its lead me to know that there is still good in the world of humanity, and the human spirit is still strong, if you're willing to let it be, both in yourself and in other people around you. All it takes is a little trust, some time to get to know people, and being prepared to compromise on what you think.

The Cons?

Well, this decision leads me to think the cons are all pros as well....
Cause well, being this close means I don't want to leave. I have too many friends, and its making it hard to choose between the posibility of future, and the life I have now, which while being broke money wise is full of a wealth of friendship.


This is not something thats made to convince anyone to be a more open person. You already know if your an open or closed person.
If you are a closed person, I do have this to say.
Whatever it is thats stopping you connecting to someone on a deeper level, I feel sorry for you. Because whatever it is thats holding you back, its killing you. You do not realise it, but all we have is what we make for ourselves, and you may be rich, have every belonging you can ever want, but without close friends, and a deeper connection, as much as mine are paining me at the moment, you are not truly living.

I know that leaving my friends behind won't kill me....
But not having them to begin with, that probably would have.

Admittedly this is not the best time to be writing this, cause well, me and a good fiend of mine have been fighting for a whiole now, and I finally worked out why tonight - He doesn't want to rely on me anymore. So this is probably not going to be my usual nice work.

Relying on people is not easy, nor is it nice. It means you trust them with thigs that can hurt you, and things that you never wanted people to know. Its giving someone else the power to hurt you, and trusting them not to.

Ive always relied on the people around me, particularly my best friend.. well, till now... to pull me through the hard times, and to share with me, the good times.

I have no problems trusting people, because I very rarely get burnt, as I don't burn people myself. Mutual respect kind of thing.

Tonight is the first time Ive really had a breakdown of the bad kind, in... well, ever. I can't say that it was a massive blow out, but it wasn't pretty, and I hope I never have one again. I'd like to blame other people, and say its their fault for putting me in that position, but in the words of Fallout boy "You can only blame your problems on the world for so long..."

Relying on people is flawed, opbviously. You need to respect, trust, and basically, hope the person you are relying on is going to be there for you, and that in turn, you can be there for them. if you can't be there for them, or there's a lack of trust, it could end very badly for both you and them.

Of course, if things go well, you might have found someone who can be your best friend, and someone who you can trust with your worst fears amnd deepest insecurities.

Its all about who you choose, and making sure you know what your doing.

And hoping it doesn't backfire in the end....


And this is a personal message to my best friend... who I still consider my best friend. We've been through the highs and the lows together, and well, I hope that it never ends. I know you probably hate me, and that since Ive been gone you've learnt to live on without me, but I hope you change your mind, because I will never let you down. Id rather hurt myself than hurt you.