1. Ryan Barlow once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

2. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Ryan Barlow allows to live.

3. When Ryan Barlow drinks pee, his asparagus smells funny.

4. When Ryan Barlow was born, the nurse said, "Holy Crap! That's Ryan Barlow!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

5. When Ryan Barlow goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

6. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Ryan Barlow could use to kill you, including the room itself.

7. The popular videogame "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed a tenner from Ryan Barlow and forgot to pay him back.

8. Ryan Barlow can count backwards from infinity.

9. Crop circles are Ryan Barlow' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the **** down.

10. When Ryan Barlow jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Ryan Barlow instead.

11. Ryan Barlow can divide by zero.

12. In fine print at on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Ryan Barlow, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.

13. Ryan Barlow is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's ****.

14. Ryan Barlow has two speeds: walk and kill.

15. Ryan Barlow is the reason why Wally is hiding.

16. Ryan Barlow can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

17. You are what you eat. That is why Ryan Barlow’s diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

18. Ryan Barlow once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear.

19. Ryan Barlow played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

20. If you were to lock Ryan Barlow in a room with a guitar, a year later you would have the greatest album ever, it would sweep the Grammy's. When asked why he doesn't do this Ryan Barlow replied "Because Grammy's are for queers." Then he ate a knife to show the seriousness of his response.

21. On his birthday, Ryan Barlow randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

22. Ryan Barlow doesn't believe in condoms. Instead, he sticks his **** in a girl, and uses that girl as a condom while shagging another.

23. When Ryan Barlow does a push up, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

24. Whenever Ryan Barlow puts out a cigarette, he throws it in slow motion into a long line of gasoline and calmly walks away as an inferno erupts behind him.

25. Ryan Barlow invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Dean Kennedy invented pink.

26. Ryan Barlow coined the phrase, "I could eat a Horse" after he ate every last unicorn in existence.

27. Ryan Barlow haunts Freddy Krueger's nightmares.

28. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when Ryan Barlow punched himself in the face.

29. Ryan Barlow, David Hasselhoff, Chuck Norris and Mr T once all met in a bar, it exploded as no room can contain that much cool!

30. Ryan Barlow is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

31. Ryan Barlow is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Ryan Barlow!

32. Ryan Barlow can touch MC Hammer.

33. They once made a Ryan Barlow toilet paper, but it wouldn't take **** from anybody.

34. If Ryan Barlow is late, time better slow the **** down.

35. Ryan Barlow once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

36. Ryan Barlow was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day.