The Big Yin, Billy Connelly Stuff 1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time... I know where my watch is pal, where the f*ck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is? 2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually. 3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". F*cking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it? 4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the f*ck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? 5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the f*cking floor. 6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine? 7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it. 8. When people say "life is short". What the f*ck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever f*cking does!! What can you do that's longer 9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Knobhead? 10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So what did they used to be? Ears? Wellington boots? 11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate. 12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks, that's an image I really didn't need. 13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering... It has to be a McChicken Burger, NOT just a Chicken Burger you get blank looks. Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you Mcf*cking McTosser. 14. When you’re involved in a accident and someone asks 'are you alright?' Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off!!!!!!

1)Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your drink-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
5) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
6) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel like a man
7) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
9) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
10) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
11) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel like a man, again
12) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
13) You always feel scared when stroking horses.
14) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
15) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.
16) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
17) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
1 Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
19) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
20) You never ever run out of salt.
21) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
22) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
23) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
24) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
25) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
26) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.
27) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard
2 Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
29) Bricks are horrible to carry.
30) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip

Recent terrorist attacks eyewitness accounts - if the attempted bombing had happened in a US airport compared to it happening at Glasgow Airport....

America:"Oh my God! there was a man on fire,he was running about, I just ran for my lifeI thought i was gonna die,he got so close to me"

Glasgow "This muppet wis running aboot on fire, so ah ran up n gave him a good boot,then decked him"

America:"I just wanna get home,away from here..i just wanna get home,I thought i was gonna die"

Glasgow:"here am no leaving here till am oan a fuckin' plane!"

America:"there was pandemonium,people were running in all directions,we didn't know what was happening,i thought i was gonna die"

Glasgow:"Fuck this fir a kaerry oan, mon i' ll get us a pint in"

America:"We thought he was gonna blow us all up he had a gas canister,and was trying to get into his trunk,i thought we were gonna die,i just ran for my life"

Glasgow:"ah went by the motor that wis on fire,and the dafty couldnae even open his boot, he wis in fire annaw so a ran up n gave him a good boot to the baws"

America:"i'm too traumatised even to speak,i thought i was gonna die"

Glasgow "here mate, gies 2 minutes till a phone ma auld dear, if am gonna be oan the telly ah want her tae tape it"

And finally, two quotes from an real eye-witness.........John Smeaton:John just surpassed himself on the National ITV news. The interviewer asked "What message do you have for the bombers" - he replied :"This is Glasgow we'll just set aboot ye" John also did an interview on CNN and they asked how he restrained the guy and he said "me and other folk were just tryin 2 get the boot in and some other guy banjoed him" !