1 Who are you?.......
2. Are we friends?........
3. When and how did we meet?........
4. Do you hav a crush on me?.........
5. Would u kiss me?.......
6. Give me a nikname and explain why?........
7. Describe me in 1 word........
8. what was ur first impression ov me?.......
9. do u still fink the same?......
10. What reminds u ov me?.....
11. If you could giv me anything wot wod it b?......
12. How well do u no me?......
13. Whens the last tym u saw me?.....
14. Eva wanted 2 tell me sumthing u couldnt?......
15. Are you goin 2 put dis on ur blog and c wot i say about u?.....

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know where my watch is pal, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too".
Fucking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No
tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the fucking floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?. Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement,
then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short". What the fuck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever fucking does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?. If the bus came would I be standing here, Knob head?

10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So what did they used to be? ears, Wellington boots?

11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need.

13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you if you don't insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering..... It has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger gets blank looks. Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you fucking McTosser

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Stage 1 - CLEVER

This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the
known
universe. You know you know everything and you want to pass on your
knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always right
and, of course, the person you are talking to is very wrong. This makes
for an interesting argument when both parties are CLEVER.


Stage 2 - ATTRACTIVE

This is when you realise that you are the most ATTRACTIVE person in the
entire bar and that everyone fancies you. You can go up to a perfect
stranger knowing that they fancy you and really want to talk to you.
Bear in mind that you are still CLEVER, so you can talk to this person
about any subject under the sun.


Stage 3 - RICH

This is when you suddenly become the RICHEST person in the room. You
can
buy drinks for the entire bar because you have a bottomless wallet. You
can also make bets at this stage because of course you are still CLEVER
so, naturally, you will always win. Anyway, it doesn't matter how much
you bet because you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone
that
you fancy, in the knowledge that you are clearly the most ATTRACTIVE
person present.


Stage 4 - INVINCIBLE

You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially
those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because you
are now INVINCIBLE. At this point you can also go up to the partners
of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or
strength. You have no fear of losing this battle, because as well as
being INVINCIBLE you are CLEVER, you're RICH and you're more ATTRACTIVE
than them anyway.


Stage 5 - INVISIBLE

This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do
anything, because you are now INVISIBLE. You can dance on a table to
impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the
room cannot see you. You can also snog the face off them for the same
reason. You are also INVISIBLE to the people who want to fight you. You
can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no
one can see or hear you and because you're still CLEVER you know all
the
words.




THE FIVE STAGES OF SOBERING UP

------------------------------------------------------------


Stage 1 - STUPID

As you regain consciousness and begin to enjoy the headache, the
churning stomach and the cold sweats, you realise that you have lost
not
only several hours of your life but also the ability to concentrate on
anything whatsoever. You are now STUPID and will remain so for a
minimum
of 12 hours.


Stage 2 - UGLY

Never entirely happy with the effects of the bathroom mirror first
thing
you are horrified to discover that you have now become even UGLIER than
you previously thought possible. Not only have you got bloodshot eyes
and a glorious collection of spots but you are shaking so much that
your
grandfather probably looks healthier. Unfortunately you are still too
STUPID to know better than to try and shave whilst shaking.


Stage 3 - POOR

Having crawled out of bed and got dressed you are about to shamble out
the door when you discover that the money that was to last you the week
is now missing from your wallet. Being STUPID, you have no idea what
happened to it but the traces of curry on your clothes allow the
possibility that you might have treated everyone to a takeaway at some
point. Alternatively your pocket could have been picked or you might
have given the taxi driver a fifty pound note by mistake. Rationalising
that you couldn't possibly have been that STUPID and that you would
remember being robbed, you come to believe that you were the only one
who bought any food or drinks all night and start to loathe all your
friends.


Stage 4 - FRAGILE

As you are now STUPID, UGLY and POOR, your consequently FRAGILE
self-esteem plummets