Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is in hospital.

A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.

Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.

What do you call a cat with no tail?
A Manx cat.

Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their appearance has a degree of gravitas.

How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
One.

Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.

Two men are sitting in a pub.
One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.'
The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her drug habit.'

Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and runs away.
One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off. (PARAMOUNT COMEDY AD)

Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.

What do you get when you cross a chicken with a centipede?
A media circus about the debate over the morals and ethics of genetic engineering.

So, there were an Irishman, an Englishman and an American wrecked on an island. One day, they found a bottle, and when they opened it, a ghost came out and offered them each a wish. However, even though they wished for different stuff, nothing happened, as the three guys of varying nationalities were just having shared hallucinations from hunger.

How do you drown a blonde?
Hold her head underwater until she can no longer breathe and stops struggling.

Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?
Repeated absences and stealing.

A black man is going to get a vasectomy. He shows up to the doctor's office wearing a suit. The doctor says, "Why are you wearing a suit?" The black man says, "I just got back from a funeral"

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
"Would you like an ice pack?"

A duck walks into a bar.
Animal control is promptly called, the duck is then taken to a near by park and released.

Why did the deaf man take his parrot to work?
He was weird.

A Blonde and a Brunette jump off a tall building at the same time. Who hits the ground first?
Both of them hit the ground at the same time. Hair colour doesn't affect acceleration due to gravity.

What's worse then finding a worm in your apple?
The Holocaust.

A man walks into a whorehouse and pays a prostitute for sex. He contracts an STD and passes it onto his pregnant wife. Their child is born deformed and has a difficult life.
When asked if he could see the humour in the situation, the child replied, "No. No, I don't."

A man called a lawyer and asked, "How much will you charge me to answer three questions?"
The lawyer said "$400."
"Wow," said the man. "Isn't that a lot?"
"I guess so," said the lawyer. "When are you going to ask your questions?"

How do you know when a Frenchman has been near your house?
You don't, really, unless you were there to see him or if one of your neighbors saw him. I wouldn't worry about it, really.

Three men are at the FBI Building for a job interview. The interviewing FBI agent tells the first man, 'To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.'
The man takes the gun, hesitates, and says, 'Sorry, I can't do it.'
The next interviewee enters the office and the agent tells him the same thing he told the first guy. The second man takes the gun, walks into the room, and walks out. 'Sorry, I can't.' he says.
The last man enters the office and the interviewer said

26-year-old Chris Hayles from Kent was ostracised from his peer group yesterday after admitting to not watching children's TV when he was younger. It is believed to be the first time that an adult male has come out of the closet and confessed to not watching Thundercats, the A-Team, or even Pigeon Street.

"It totally came out of the blue" said erstwhile friend and drinking companion Paul Smithers. "We were sitting there in the pub chatting about our childhoods and which of the Gladiators we fancied the most and I noticed that Chris was a bit quiet. When we asked for his opinion he went pale and then admitted that he had never watched Gladiators. Then he burst into tears and said that he'd never seen Thundercats either, or the A-Team, or even Bagpuss, and then he said something about "living a great big lie" and ran out crying. Bit odd, but then he always was a weird one".

Mr Hayles was unrepentant, despite the sharp drop in his social standing. Nevertheless, the incident means that Mr Hayles' ability to contribute to conversations with his male peers is severely restricted, but Chris remained confident that his knowledge of football would see him through. "I can talk all day about Manchester Rovers, and the latest happenings at Liverpool United are fascinating, especially with their new Russian owners".

Jamie Oliver programme exposes shocking abuse of English language

An extended television special on poultry farming in Britain has exposed the shocking abuse meted out to the English language by television presenter Jamie Oliver.

‘It was horrible’ wept one unwitting witness who had been duped into thinking they were just taking part in an everyday expose about farm animals. We had to just sit there and witness the brutal murder of the language of Shakespeare and Milton’.

‘Alright darlin’’ chirped Jamie ‘What we is doin’ right, is showin’ yers that there ain’t no reason why dem birds should have what’s happenin’ like at the moment, not never, know what I mean Sweetheart?’

Well-dressed diners winced as they were forced to listen to a mockney accent mincing up words and systematically murdering traditional sentence construction. ‘I had no idea this still happened,’ said Jennifer Myers who was a member of the studio audience on the night. ‘These sentences are being deprived of their natural verb endings. Nouns are systematically deprived from definite and indefinite articles, grotesque double negatives are being artificially produced and infinitives are being split at birth.’

Channel 4 defended the shocking programme saying that it had warned viewers beforehand that they may find some sounds offensive. But it was necessary to show this abuse of English at first hand in the hope that the laws of grammar might be finally enforced. But Jamie Oliver was unrepentant; ‘Wha’ever Sweet Pea! We warned dem folks they might find it upsettin’ and that, we weren’t wrong darlin’. I say old bean, is that dashed microphone switched off now, what what?’
Posted: 13 January 2008 by newsbiscuit