Isnt it whak wen.. 236 days ago


1. When people point at their wrist while asking for the time..I know where my watch is pal..where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. When people are willing to get off their arse to search the entire
room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually!!

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too"..Fucking right!! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look".. Of course it is.. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?".. No tosser.. I paid 10 bux to come to the cinema and stare at the fucking floor..

6. When People ask "Can I ask you a question?".. Well u didn't really give me a choice there did you sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'.. Which is it? If it's new..
then there has never been anything before it.. If it's an improvement..
then there must have been something before it..

8. When people say "life is short".. What the fuck?? Life is the longest dam thing anyone ever fucking does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks.. "Has the bus come yet?".. If the bus came would I be standing here Knob head?

10. When people say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'.. So what did they used to be? ears?

11. When you're eating something and someone asks "Is that nice?" No it's really revolting.. I always eat stuff I hate!!

12. When people who announce they are going to the toilet.. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need!!

13. When McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering..It's has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger get blank looks..Well, I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you fuckin’ McTosser..

14. When your involved in a accident and someone asks 'are you alright?' Yes fine thanks.. I'll just pick up my limbs and be off..

Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit!

Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.

Consider:
You can get shit-faced, Be shit-out-of-luck, Or have shit for brains.

With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for
your shit, or be asked to shit or get off the pot.

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit,forget
shit, and tell others to eat shit.

Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference
between shit and shineola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is
bullshit,horse shit, and chicken shit.

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when
the shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit,and some
days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are
times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit,the wrong
shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit
creek without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other time you fall in
a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block
of the English language.

And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything
else!!

You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don't
give a shit!

Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do
give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit.

But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some
shit-head...........

Well, Shit Happens!!!

You'll know you're definitely a Mäori when........

-You go to the senior ball with your cousin

-A nice restaurant is an 'all you can eat' place

-A sleeve is a form of tissue for your nose

-You have to do dishes more than 3 times a day

-Boil-up is your preferred healthy food choice

-Breakfast is the left over boil-up from the night before

-Your sent to pick watercress for a funeral, at 3 o'clock in the morning. You get to the watercress patch at 3.30am and the marae down the road have already beaten you to it

-You organise for a get together at 2 o'clock, and everyone shows up at 5 o'clock

-You can sprint barefoot on sharp rocks

- You learn't from your kuia to hit all cuts under your feet with a stick to make them bleed more

-You visit cuzzies, and someone's wearing the clothes you left behind last time you were there

-Your undies are hanging on the clothes-line but you know you haven't been wearing them

-You and your cousins sit around, and dis everyone who walks past

-You give the longest shout outs on the radio

-You have 6 people in the back seat of a two-door sports car

-In a photo, someone's pulling some kind of gang related hand signal

-Your mum cuts your hair cos you keep getting kutu

-Your at a party, and your aunty turns the stereo off then starts playing the guitar

-You know all the words to 10 guitars

-You see someone wearing your shoes that went missing at the marae

-The words 'oi' 'eow' 'umm' 'chur' 'sweet' and 'nah,yeah' are all part of your vocabulary

-you go to school to eat the other kids lunch

-you go to school to watch the teacher teach the other kids

- bullrush is your favourite sport

-you think your tribe is the best in the world

-your dad cuts your hair, gets hoha and leaves the other half for the next day after school!!

-your older brother makes you cry and your the one who gets a hiding for crying

-all your marbles are ball bearings and you try to pass them off as steelies

-Hello and goodbye are both said by raising your eyebrows.

-your jandals / gumboots are: your running shoes, your work shoes, your flippers and your going out shoes.

-your swimming togs are shorts and t-shirt (and your in Maui, Hawaii, where all they wear is a bikini)

-you run to do bombs at the public pools where it says no running and no bombing

-brushing your hair is ... just putting on a beanie

-your Dad is also your Koro

-you start driving, smoking and drinking when you are in form one (year 6)

-you cant speak Maori but are fluent when you are drunk

-you laugh at everyone who cant sing

-you laugh at everyone who cant dance

-you laugh at everyone who cant do both at the same time

-your at a party with the guitar and everyone only knows half the words to all the songs you sing

-you realise they're singing the other half of the songs that you didn't know

-you go to a party and at least a couple of your relatives are sleeping on the table

-you go to the same party three days later and its still going

-you go diving with one flipper, a broken snorkel and no goggles

-playing the spoons is right up there as percussion for the guitar.

-gumboots, jandals & a swandri are all considered #1's.

-the whanau hangi rocks, sacks and baskets get passed down to you

-rotten foods are a delicacy

-you use your whakapapa and the tino rangatiratanga stance to get into a public event and finally, you'll know your definitely a Mäori if you've read this email right to the bitter end, because...... Mäori don't like to miss out on anything
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