DAN......DAN......DAN....DAN......
 ............DAN...DAN............D
 AN......DAN.....DAN.........DAN...
 ......DAN.....DAN...........DAN...
 .............DAN....... (To Lynn) No he can't hear me.........DAN!

I'm a big fan of that thing you say-'evolution, not revolution'. Cause thats me you see, I evolve, I don't......revolve.

I'M BATMAN!!!!!!

Your always going on about Benjamin Nesanyahoo, Lynn. Let it go. You're never going to meet him.

Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, the police- Aha.

Knowing me Alan Partridge, sacking you, Glen Ponder, Aha!

Needless to say, I had the last laugh

No way, you're a mentalist!

What does a Swedish Fred Flintstone say? 'Yabba Dabba Doo!' No, wait a minute...It's 'Abba Dabba Doo!"

Alan's accusations to farmer:

-You are a big posh sod with plums in your mouth, and the plums have mutated have have got beaks.
-You make pigs smoke
-You feed beefburgers to swans
-You have big sheds, but nobody's allowed in. And in these sheds you have 20 ft high chickens, and these chickens are scared because the don't know why they're so big, and they're going 'Oh why am I so massive?' and they're looking down at all the little chickens and they think they're in an aeroplane because all the other chickens are so small.- Do you deny that? No, I think his silence speaks volumes.

Do you smell gas?

Last month I was voted 'Man of the Moment' by TV Quick Magazine. In 1988 I was sports reporter of the year for Radio Norwich, and 10 years ago I was broadcasting highly complex traffic information to the whole of the East Anglia region.

I have 104 friends.

Alan's ideas for TV shows:

-"Swallow"- a regional detective series based in Norwich
-"Alan Attack"- a slapstick version of the Cook Report
-Arm-Wrestling with Chas and Dave
-Knowing M.E. Knowing You
-Inner-city Sumo
-Cooking In Prison
-A Partridge Amongst The Pigeons
-Youth Hostelling with Chris Eubank
-Monkey Tennis

Whooooo...whoooo...who do you think you are?

I bought a bag of tungston tip screws, never going to use them, never going to use them...........

Jurassic Park!

You can be David Copperfield, and I'll be Alan Partridge! Ahaaaaaa!

Don't look in there!

I just forgot, you're not Bono

Zombies by their very nature are inconsistent

The boys are back in the barracks

Can I have a couple of eggs for breakfast, and I'd like you to lay them you chicken

Overtaking National Express coaches is a long, drawn out affair

If you see a family having a nice picnic in a field, with a pond, you plough the family into the field, fill in the pond, you blow up the tree and use the leaves to make a dress for your wife who's also your brother.

There's been some kind of conspiracy to deprive me of viewers.

Will I take out Sue Cook?

I have not got bad breath. Nothing has died in my mouth!

I was made promises about storage that weren't kept

On being told by a former addict that every chapter in his book ends the same way:
Oh yeah? Well every chapter in your book would end, 'needles to say.....I......did drugs'.

Move and fire, move and fire, move and fire!

I'm going nowhere Lynn...quite literally- I'm on the ring-road

So, how many people were killed in the Irish Famine?

This is my Sports Casual Collection.

A propos - it's Latin - well you should have a basic grasp of Latin if you're going to work in Currys

Let me reassure you- Queen Elizabeth II is not dead, unless of course she went in the night, and has yet to be discovered.

Dr. No.....vocal chords

It's called a ladyboy

I'm under a cow!

Is Fernando Partridge there please?

Nick Hairs
Y. Fronts
T. Osser

Crab Sticks do not actually contain any crab at all, and since 1993 have had to be labelled Crab Flavoured Sticks

(In robot voice) TEA OR COFFEE. TEA OR COFFEE.

B. Oddie. That's Bill Oddie!

Derrs more to Oirland Dan Dis

This is Radio Norwich, and that was Big Yellow Taxi by Joni