Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’99
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be
it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by
scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable
than my own meandering
experience…I will dispense this advice now. Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not
understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded.
But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and
recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before
you and how fabulous you really looked….You’re not as fat as you
imagine. Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as
effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing
bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that
never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm
on some idle Tuesday. Do one thing everyday that scares you Sing Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with
people who are reckless with yours. Floss Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes
you’re behind…the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with
yourself. Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you
succeed in doing this, tell me how. Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements. Stretch Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your
life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they
wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year
olds I know still don’t. Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone. Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children,maybe
you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky
chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…what ever you do, don’t
congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your
choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s. Enjoy your body,
use it every way you can…don’t be afraid of it, or what other people
think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever
own.. Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room. Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them. Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly. Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for
good. Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the
people most likely to stick with you in the future. Understand that friends come and go,but for the precious few you
should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and
lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you
knew when you were young. Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live
in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel. Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will
philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize
that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were
noble and children respected their elders. Respect your elders. Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund,
maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one
might run out. Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will
look 85. Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who
supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of
fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the
ugly parts and recycling it for more than
it’s worth. But trust me on the sunscreen…

1 -
"medic? that was like 3 months ago."

"Yeah, what'd you do? Crawl all the way here?"

"i came as quickly as i could. where's the patient?"

"well she's about 50 yards behind you and 6 feet straight down."

2 -
"Whats the difference between a doctor and a medic?"
"A doctor heals people, a medic just makes them more comfortable"
"Check never get shot"

3 -
"i can't believe church shot me."
"DON'T EVEN START CABOOSE!"

4 -
Red team "there's positively no way they know were out of ammo"
Blue team "Yeah, they're definitely out of ammo" lmao

5 -
"Burns Burns Burns Ooh dude that burns"
"Shut up you, your armours pink"

6 -
"I cant walk moron"
"Ohh ok i see, why dont you try running?" or
"Why don't you tryyyy walking on your hands!!! Then you can use your feet for high fiiives! And eatin' sandwhiches... you know...the important things... "

7 -
"That's rediculous!"
"Is it? Or is it the most redicuolously rediculous things thats also Perfect"

8 -
"I'm confused...that actually sounded like a good idea..."
"i know!"
"....But caboose said it...."
"I know..."
"OUCH THE HELL WAS THAT FOR?"
"I thought i was dreaming so i punched you"

9 -
"What the hell...That rock looks like a grenade...Aww crap"

10 -
Tucker:"Caboose, I dont think anyone likes you..."
Caboose: " I LIKE ME!"

11 -
SHEILLLAAA COME BACK TO MEEE!!... I MADE YOU A MUFFFFIN!! (Shella is a tank that ways 200 stone)

12 -
"I could be double 0 Donut, License to Thriller...Or be thrilled"

13 -
"Private donut, that sounds like private biscut."
"Yes, yes it does."

14 -
"I've got a boner for murder"

15 -
"I can see the flag, its so... Flappy"

16 -
"We have a problem"
"Is it a new problem or is caboose stuck in the freezer again"

17 -
"We have to meet them at 0600"
"Is that like in 600mins or like 6 oclock? and if so what 6 o clock?"

18 -
"Son did you just shoot yourself in the foot"
"Yeah, i do that sometimes, im not sure why"
"im sure its a user error"

19 -
"I've done hard time im not the man you once knew"
"We were only seperated for 5 hours"
"Time runs slower on the inside, it feels like 8 hours to me"

20 -
"We are in the future! Things are very shiny here"

21 -
"Luckily he was facing forward"
"Dont people always face forward?"

22 -
"Its all like this, i guess the race of humans just wasn't meant to survive"
"Or...How about we search more than 2 square miles before before jumping to any conclussions?"
"No it was def nuclear weapons, that caused a plague that killed everyone, but then they all rose again to feast on human flesh"
"A small group of survivers fought the radioactive undead at bay by their use of their wit and inexplicable comprehension of agriculture science and engineering... Everything was looking good, and thats when the meteor hit! "
"I think you just quoted every crappy hollywood apocolypse movie ever"
"No hollywood doesn't understand apocolypse, they think that when one thing goes away, it changes the everything forever like in road warrior it was water, and in waterworld it was land"
"What was missing in the matrix"
"Sunlight"
"I thought it was plot"
"Thats why i said luckily"

1) I'll swallow it all... I love the taste.

2) Are you sure you've had enough to drink?

3) I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!

4) Shouldn't you be down the pub with your mates?

5) That fart was great! Do another one!

6) I've decided to stop wearing clothes in the house.

7) You're so sexy with a hangover.

I'd rather go and play Virtual Fighter than go shopping.

9) Let's start subscribing to Penthouse.

10) Would you like to see a video of me going down on my girlfriend?

11) Just for a change can we try anal sex tonight?

12) I really like football, can you take me to a game.

13) You'd better drive, you're far safer than I am, and besides everyone knows women can't drive.

14) Actually we shouldn't have been given the vote, we're better off in the kitchen.

15) I think a big motorbike is a good idea.

16) I don't care if my bum looks big in this, let's just go and get pissed.

17) We haven't gone out with your mates for a while, shall we all go to Stringfellows.

1 Why can't you let your hair down and have a few vodka chasers with me.

19) I know you're already late for work, but can I gag on it just one more time.

20) Aim where you like, it's really good for my skin.