I'm really bored. Boreder than a bored thing aboard a ship playing a board game.

Ok well... I feel like having a good rant. Nothing like a rant to fight away bacteria.

"You've got a Crush.. you have 2 crush requests from your friends list!!!"
What the flib??! Here I am having a pleasant evening watching Midsomer Murders when all of a sudden.. HEYHO?? there be many a computer wanting to date me. Virtual dating just took on a whole new meaning...

To be totally honest I'd rather just go out and by a Mango Crush smoothie from Zumo. Mmmm yummy.

*bops*

I really don't get Britney's new chuuune.. she's not a pizza, for Christ's sake. And who's she to tell me what to do? If I want a slice, let alone a PIECE, I'd never go to her anyway.

The same goes for Rihanna. I'm gonna go around and SILENCE all the music in the world just to annoy her.
I hope she goes out singing Umbrella in a lightning storm. Heheheh...
Aaah such a fiiine tasty dish ---> Smoked Rihanna with ShutUpAndDrive topping, followed by an Unfaithful dessert.
Oh, and a PonDonDeReplay martini on the side.

Oh ma gowwwd I've finally crossed the invisible line between insane and morbidly insane i dunno if it's confirmed yet but one of the symptoms is writing meaningless carrrp for ages and ages and ages without leaving any spaces.

Peas out =]

Shoes.
Shoes.
Shoes.
OH MY GOD shoes.
Let's get some shoes.
Let's get some shoes.
Let's get some shoes.
Let's get some shoes.
Shoes.
Shoes.
Shoes.
OH MY GOD shoes.
I think you have too many shoes SHUT UP!
I think you have too many shoes SHUT UP!
I think you have too many shoes SHUT UP!
I think you have too many shoes SHUUUUT UUUUP!
Stoopid boy.
Stoopid boy.
Let's get some shoes.
Let's party.
*foot raises*
Uuumm.. this style is kinda small.. are you sure you're gonna fit?
I mean... your feet are kinda big...
...OH.
...OH.
...OH...by the way bitch..

FUDGE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In the beginning of the earth, there was nothing.

Zip.
Zilcho.
Zilicardos.

Then, suddenly, a man appeared; a man so beautifully bearded, all the heavens smiled down upon him.

..and then God came along and told Rolf Harris to stop hogging the limelight.
Why the light was made of lime, I just don't know.

After a few weeks in his new deluxe suite (with swimming pool), God become bored and lonely with his life. He was sadly going through what every God dreads... abnormal pains.
No wait... I meant abdominal pains.
But because he just so happened to be a large, almighty bearded bloke in a toga, he could not give birth.
So, what does one do in this situation?

Well normally you'd just go out and shiftily buy a few tablets. No biggie.

But NOOOOOOOOOOO, he had to go and pick some poor middle-aged tart in a blue frock called MaryWhatserface and tell her that although she'd been careful and ALWAYS used protection, she was 'avin' a bloomin' kiddo.

And JUST to make matters worse, she didn't even have a say in naming the thing.
My heart really goes out to her, she had wished for many moons to name her first born child Nikki (short for Nicorette) or Shaun (short for Shoe-Horn).

Or she could've just got the name from a packet of Crisps.

What d'you reckon?? 'The Holy Son of God, NoSaturatedFat'...

So anyway back to the point; she was forced at beard point to call her kid Jesus.
Oooh and you can guess exactly what her current manbitch Joey thinks of all this! He off course had a burst of testosterone and got into a chavvy fist fight with God. God OF COURSE gets his own back, and makes the poor MaryWhatserface have the kiddo in some dirty stable where all the animals hold their important business meetings.

"Now," said the Head Cow, "I assume you all completed your papers about the building of a new Animal Pampering Spa in the center of Bethlehem."
The Head Cow eyed the Lazy Donkey, who of course always forgot to do his homework; it was always some petty excuse like "but I fell into a hole" or "a pigeon kidnapped me and flew me to Iraq". But this time the Head Cow was not going to take any carp.
"Lazy Donkey? Where are your papers?"
Lazy Donkey's face crumpled.
"But...but... some geezer came along and forced me to carry a fat woman across a desert!"
The Head Cow tutted in disguist.

Anyway. So NoSaturatedFat was born, right? And then some perverts came and offered Joey some gifts in exchange for a night with MaryWhatserface, but God soon shooed them off.

Yeah. I think you pretty much know the rest, but to sum up..

+ Jesus was never a spotty punk rocker teenager, he just suddenly seemed to become a grown man with a beard and matching sandels.

+ He healed a few people with Vaseline.*

+ He drank lots of wine and had fun with the disciples (a group of pervy followers who had read his profile on MySpace).

+ He wrecked a church because they were holding a sponsered 'Ban Beards, Save The Fleas' campaign. He's very sensitive about these things, you see.

+ He died and came back again to have one last laugh at the saddos running the charity event. This involved swopping the salt and pepper shakers around and putting arsenic into their rice puddings.

God was very amused, sadly laughing so much that he choked on his own beard.

....'nuff said.

*Vaseline is an extremely slimy goo. Buy in store while stocks last.