Single Male Seeks Irish Durty Nanny Reply to:
pers-403018214@ craigslist. org
Date: 2007-08-22, 2:51AM

Single Male, No Children, Seeking Durty Nanny.

I do not have any children, but am currently
accepting inquiries and applications from Irish
nannies. I tried to find one at the beginning of the
summer, but to no avail.

Must be 22-26 years old, large-chested, and look
good in jeans and your county GAA jersey.
Muffin-tops encouraged to apply. Culchies preferred;
women from Tyrone, Down, Donegal, Galway and Mayo
especially welcomed. Please, no Dubs (the posh
accent gives me a headache) or Belfast girls (I
don’t want to get knee-capped if you get cross). No
valid visa or immigration papers required; in fact,
the whole "on the run" thing is sort of sexy.

Job duties include smoking, drinking, and
accompanying me on pub crawls. I only smoke a few
packs a year, but I think there’s nothing sexier
than a girl with bloodshot eyes and a puffy face
smoking and drinking a beer, especially if she is
singing a rebel song and her make-up is running just
a bit. So, the most basic job requirements include
being able to hail a Chinese taxi, drink 16 beers at
a sitting, and sing rebel songs with gusto, all with
a cigarette in your mouth. If you can't do at least
that, please look elsewhere.

Sexual indiscretions and adventures with me are also
a must. Since birth control malfunctions with Irish
girls are inevitable (or should I say planned???),
there will likely be children at some point for you
to take care of (hey, it’s better to take care of
your own children rather than somebody else’s).
Until that fateful day, however, the only nursing
you will be doing is nursing my hangovers. If you do
coke, I don't really care as long as I don't see it
and it keeps you thin. Anyway, the only drug testing
I would be doing is through a hash pipe.

Hours vary. All day Sunday at the pub is a must,
including getting up early in the summer to watch
Gaelic football games at 6:00 a.m. Going out
Thursday through Saturday is mandatory as well.
Monday and Wednesday are your off-days when you can
nurse your own hangovers.

De minimis cooking skills are required: hot tea,
Irish breakfasts, steak and potatoes, and the odd
sandwich. I prefer to have pizza and Chinese food
delivered, and I get my burritos from a tacqueria
(that's a Mexican "take-away" joint as you would
call it). Being able to shop for and open beer
bottles and wine bottles is another important skill
(as an American, I do drink at home sometimes). No
BBQ skills needed; I’ll take care of that.

Working for a single man, you don’t have to worry
about getting caught having sex by the wife - more
pleasure and less guilt. Also, there’s no baby
stroller you have to push around during the day
either, unless of course you want to fit a beer
cooler in the empty stroller. So, you can go to the
park and hang out with the other Irish nannies,
drink, smoke, and gossip, and not even worry about
minding a child or changing nappies.

If you're a free stater, you should be able to stand
up to the Derry girls and Coalisland women; I don't
expect you to win a fight, but at least hang tough
for a few minutes after they elbow and kick you. If
you're from the North, you should be able to avoid
using the words "c*nt," and "fer f*ck's sake" in
polite (and uptight) company; Americans get a bit
bent out of shape when they hear those lovely
endearments, especially at church or around
children.

Shoving me into a taxi and riding me cowgirl style
are the only two really physically demanding tasks
that will be required of you. I carry workers'
compensation insurance, so if you get physically
injured doing either activity, you get full medical
coverage. I may even hire another Durty Nanny to
take care of you in the meanwhile. I have

01)Thou shalt drink only pints and/or "whiskey."
02) - Thou shalt always ate the skin of yer rasher.
03)- Thou shalt always stand at the back during mass, or even better,in
the porch talking.
04) - Thine Wife shalt emulate Biddy from Glenroe.
05) - Thou shalt emulate Miley.
06) - Thou shalt "Suck Diesel."
07) - Thou shalt pretend to know all about "The Headage."
0 - Thou shalt look after your tractor better than your car.
09) - Thou shalt have no "Revershing" lights or number plate on your
trailers.
10) - Thou shalt display a "Travellin' to Flavin" sticker on the back
window of all vehicles.
11) - Thou shalt wear your Ivomec Pour-On fleece with pride.
12) - Thou shalt not use but half-inch Wavin or "a good Sally Rod" for
beatin cattle.
13) - Thine sons shall play GAA.
14) - Thine daaawwwthur shall marry the local centhur-forward.
15) - Thou shalt hold regular arguments with d'telly.
16) - Thou shalt reminisce the Fair Day, the Threshing, Kickin'
Cabbages and the Corncrake.
17) - Thou shalt know a Mickeen Tomeen Joe and a Paddy Joe Paaaack from
"the top of the parish."
1 - Thou shalt ate "Hang Sangwiches" and drink Cidona at all GAA
matches.
19) - Thou shalt hate "Those Backstards the Tans."
20) - Thou shalt be edumacated by the Chrissshtian Brethers.
21) - Thou shalt pronounce 'Yellow' as 'Yella'.
22) - Thou shalt carry the A.I. Man's mobile number on you at all
times.
23) - Thou shalt not visit Dublin ( except to Croker and to bring the
wife shoppin' on the 8th of December ).
24) - Thou shalt not fail to attend the Ploughing Championships and all
Steam Rallies.
25) - Thou shalt always know how to reek turf bether than thine
Neighbour.
26) - Thou shalt use balin' twine to hold up thine trousers.
27) - Thou shalt not ever visit the dentist.
2 - Thou shalt not miss an episode of "The Weather."
29) - Thou shalt have many many injuries from "that Hooooor of Charlois
I got from that cowboy calf-dealer."
30) - Thou shalt wear cap crooked.
31) - Thou shalt love all Big John Wayne's fims, especially "The Quiet
Man."
32) - Thine son shall be nicknamed "Bungalow," 'cos "he's got nothin'
upstairs."
33) - Thou shalt shoot stray dogs.
34) - Thou shalt drown cats.
35) - Thou shalt think all Lesbians are from Lesbia.
36) - Thou shalt annually run the tractor off the end of the pit when
tramping silage.
37) - Thou shalt taste all barrels of Molasses.
3 - Thou shalt think it's great craic to ring PJ and roar into the
phone while he's with "the bit of stuff."
39) - Thine favourite chat-up line shalt be "Howya fixshed for a bit a
howya goin' on ?" whilst winking like an epileptic.
40) - Thou shalt paint "Whatever County for Sam!" on all of your round
bales.
41) - Thou shalt never leave the country.
42) - Thou shalt have a Heinz-57 mongrel of a dog which is for nothin'
except terrorising the neighbour's sheep.
43) - Thou shalt only bathe on a sathurday niyat, using only carbolic
soap
44) - Thou shalt read the Farmer's Journal.
45) - Thou shalt always support your county GAA team whilst curshing
them for being "pure sh!te" at every given opportunity.
46) - Thine sweet of choice shall be either Ritchies After-Dinner Mints
or Silvermints.
47) - Thou shalt only be aware of strippers of the bovine kind.
4 - Thou shalt refer to Soccer as "The Foreign Game."
49) - Thou shalt always sing to dirty line to "Alice."
50) - Thou shalt always receive Communion on the tongue, licking the
priest's hand in the process

The Capital of the Independent Republic of Connemara and adjoining States

Many of you may have noticed of late that there have been questions raised on this page as to Cleggan’s status as the Capital of the Independent Republic of Connemara and adjoining States. I feel compelled to set the record straight and once and for all settle the issue. Of course I preface the following by stating that any comments should not be taken to mean that I am in fact involved in the revolution under way or am it’s Supreme Leader. Whilst at this point positions in the revolutionary cabinet are of course secret, (excepting should a Minister wish to declare their position as did Sarah) no doubt can be entertained as to the seriousness of the revolutionary intentions.

The delivery of our State will be broadly based on the Cuban July 26 Revolution being one for the people by the people. Although in that case the institutions of Government were subsequently run into the ground by blind ideology and economic persecution from the North I am confident that this will not happen on this occasion.

Following our republican creed the state has been founded on the principles of altruism, brotherhood and the common good. The aspiration of Clegganers is the export of this philosophy to the surrounding hamlets within the state including the important ecclesiastical centre of Clifden, and Roundstone, an important propaganda base before any attack on Dublin 4 is launched. Also special mention must be given to the Tullyvoheen area, this will be designated as an area for special development.

Whilst it cannot be disputed that Cleggan is the ideological centre of the revolution there are also prudent fiscal and economic reasons for its status as the Capital of the Independent Republic of Connemara and adjoining States. Notwithstanding its close ties with the state of California, Cleggan has the most advanced economy in within the proposed borders of the independent state. A highly developed tertiary economy (75% of GDP derived from public houses and associated entertainment services) ensures solid social cohesion and economic security.

The economic argument goes further however, important plans are already in motion for large scale industrial development with particular emphasis on research and development of wave and solar energy. This is a priority of the interim government. Cleggan of course will be the centre of all R&D activity due to the fact that it has the highest average education level in the region (97.8% of the population under 30 has at least a Bachelors level education). This does not mean that other areas will have a less crucial role, particularly in the provision of unskilled labour and basic technical employment.

Of course the birth of any new superpower is not without difficulty, the most pressing being the threat of terrorism. A recent report from the Minister of War detailed the activities of a group of South Connemara dissidents known as the "Dissidents Independent Connemara Klan” or D.I.C.K.s. The most heinous of their foiled plots being an attack on the Cleggan Ice Plant, a focal point of the important fishing industry (also important if Oliver’s ice machine breaks down). D.I.C.K.’s plan involved crashing a '34 Ford Coupe into the Ice Plant, however this vehicle was not equipped with seat belts and as such averting a potential propaganda victory for the D.I.C.K.s.

It has been said that the journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step and it can truly be said that and the future prosperity of the Independent Republic of Connemara and adjoining States is intrinsically tied to the success of this transformation. The revolution has begun and the fight goes on with Clegganers leading the way. Comrades, the hands of history are on our shoulders and the position of Cleggan as the capital of the Independent Republic of Connemara and adjoining States is cetain. Hasta la victoria siempre.