Lloyd Christmas: That's a lovely accent you have. New Jersey?
Lady at bus stop: Austria.
Lloyd Christmas: Austria! Well, then. G'day mate! Ha. Ha. Ha. Let's put another shrimp on the barbie!
Lady at bus stop: Let's not.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lloyd: When I met Mary, I got that old fashioned romantic feeling, where I'd do anything to bone her.
Harry: That's a special feeling.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
[After Lloyd trades the van in for a moped]
Harry: Just when I thought you couldn't do anything dumber, you do something like this... and completely redeem yourself!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Harry: So you got fired today?
Lloyd: Yeah, they always freak out when you leave the scene of an accident.
Harry: I lost my job today too.
Lloyd: Man, you are one pathetic loser. No offense.
Harry: Oh, none taken. But you know the thing that burns me though? I spent my entire life savings changing my van into a dog.
Lloyd: It's alright, Har. Chicks love it. It's a shaggin' wagon.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Harry: Check out the funbags on that hosehound.
Lloyd Christmas: I'd like to eat her liver with some fava beans and a bottle of Chianti.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lloyd: I expected the Rocky Mountains to be a little rockier than this.
Harry: I was thinking the same thing. That John Denver is full of shit, man.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lloyd: If I know Mary as well as I think I do, she'll invite us right in for tea and strumpets.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Harry: Hi Lloyd!
Lloyd Christmas: Hi Harry!
Harry: How was your day?
Lloyd Christmas: Not bad. Fell of a jetway again.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Harry: I can't believe we drove around all day, and there's not a single job in this town. There is nothing, nada, zip!
Lloyd Christmas: Yeah! Unless you wanna work fourty hours a week.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Harry Dunne: Skis, huh?
Beth Jordan: That's right!
Harry Dunne: Great! They yours?
Beth Jordan: Uh-huh.
Harry Dunne: Both of 'em?
Beth Jordan: Yes.
Harry Dunne: Ah... cool!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lloyd Christmas: I can't believe it! We've got no food, we've got no jobs, our pets heads are falling off!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Harry: Yeah, well, I don't know. These places just don't do it for me.
Lloyd: What's the matter, Har? Some little filly break your heart?
Harry: No, it was a girl.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lloyd: Mary... I desperately want to make love to a school-boy.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lloyd Christmas: Excuse me, miss, what's the soup du jour?
Waitress: The Soup of the Day.
Lloyd Christmas: Mmmm...sounds good, think I'll have that.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lloyd Christmas: This isn't my real job you know.
Mary Swanson: No?
Lloyd Christmas: Nope. My friend Harry and I are saving up money for a pet store. I got worms!
Mary Swanson: I beg your pardon?
Lloyd Christmas: I got worms! That's what we're going to call it. We're going to specialize in selling worm farms. You know like ant farms. What's the matter, a little tense about the flight?
Mary Swanson: Something like that.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lloyd Christmas: Well suck me sideways!
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dougal: God, I've heard about those cults Ted. People dressing up in black and saying Our Lord's going to come back and save us all.
Ted: No, Dougal, that's us. That's Catholicism.
Dougal: Oh right.
>>**********************
Ted: Did you bring the travel scrabble Dougal?
Dougal: I brought the normal scrabble and the travel scrabble, Ted. The travel scrabble for when we were travelling,and the normal scrabble for when we arrived!
Ted: Good man!
Dougal: Ah,no,wait a minute....now that I think of it I didn't bring either of them! God , I'm an awful eejit!
>>************************
DOUGAL- God Ted, it's like a big tide of jam commin towards us, except its a big jam made out of old women.
>>************************
POLICEMAN- It's a straight choice father. Either they pay the 200 pound fine, or it's a night in the cells
TED- Well, priests don't usually carry that sort of money on them,and under the circumstances, I think a night in the cells might be a better option
POLICEMAN- (Nods his head)
DOUGAL- Ted....
TED- Shutup Dougal
DOUGAL- No Ted....
TED- I told you to shutup Dougal
DOUGAL- I was just going to say that....
TED- Alright! Alright! Here! (pulls out the money) Here's your blood money.But let me tell you this! There used to be a time when the police of this country were friends of the church!Drink driving charges quashed, parking tickets ripped up,even the blind eye turned to the odd murder! But now!(Turns to Dougal) And you! (Mocking Dougal) Ted :Ted why don't you give him the 200 pounds you won on the bet! Well i did! Are you happy? Once again, you've made me look like complete idiot in front of many people. Thank you so much.
DOUGAL- Ehh, Right. To be honest Ted, i forgot you had the money. I was just going to say that your that your fly is open.
>>****************************
DOUGAL- I know! We' ll lure them into a giant
bingo game!
TED- And how are we going to do that?
DOUGAL- We'll print up some bingo cards on our printing press and......oh.
TED- Yes, it's the lack of a printing press that lets us down there.
or Bingo balls. Or a PA system. Or in fact, any bingo paraphernalia at all.
DOUGAL- Damn. So near, yet so far.
>>*****************************
DOUGAL- I'm not good at judging the size of crowds,but I'd say there's about 17 Million of them out there.
>>*****************************
Ted: Dougal, have we any incense?
Dougal: Em...there was a spider in the bath.
>>*****************************
Jack: THAT WOULD BE AN ECUMENICAL MATTER!
>>******************************
Dougal: Hello there Len.
Bishop Brennan: Don't call me Len, you prick. Refer to me as 'Bishop Brennan'!
Dougal: Ah right you are there Len.
>>********************************
Dougal: Watch this, Ted. (rubs letters off blackboard) You see? You can rub off the letters.
Ted: But, Dougal, you can do that with any blackboard.
Dougal: What?
>>********************************
Dougal: Can I stay up tonight to watch the scary film?
Ted: Ah, no no no. The last time you stayed up to watch a scary film you ended up having to sleep in my bed. I wouldn't mind, but it wasn't even a scaryfilm.
Dougal: Come on, Ted. A Volkswagen with a mind of its own. If that
isn't scary, I don't know what is.
>>****************************
Ted: What was it [Jack] used to say about the needy? He had a term for them.
Dougal: A shower of bastards.
>>****************************
Ted: Now concentrate this time, Dougal. These(pointing to plastic cows on table) are very small; those(pointing out of the window)are far away...
>>*******************************