The Rules:

1. Proper jelly must be used, no cubes!! Frozen jelly is prohibited.

2. It must be nailed to a vertical, bark encrusted fencepost/tree (if available)

3. A large nail must be used

4. There must be a small bite taken from the jelly before said "jelly nailing" occurs incase of jelly tampering

5. Video evidence must be provided of said jelly hanging from said nail on said fencepost/tree for a whole 15 seconds *

* Video evidence is not required if said event takes place in Fort William

I would like to wish all competitors in said challenge Good Luck, and Happy Jelly Nailing!

Muchos Sincere Regards,

Crabman, Dr Morris and PC Paige

Being Scottish is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or ,aTurkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.

And the most Scottish thing of all? Suspicion of all things foreign!

Only in Scotland can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in Scotland do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Sotland do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.

Only in Scotland do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

Only in Scotland do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Only in Scotland do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in Scotland are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.

NOT TO MENTION..

3 Scots die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

142 Scots were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.

58 Scots are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

31 Scots have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

19 Scots have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.

Scottish Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after Xmas cracker-pulling accidents.

18 Scots had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Scots were admitted to A&E in the last two years after trying to open bottles of beer with their teeth.

5 Scots were injured last year in accidents involving out-of-control Scalextric cars.

and finally...

In 2000 eight Scots were admitted to hospital with fractured skulls incurred whilst throwing up into the toilet.



SCOTLAND - Love it, or Leave it!

A five-year plan to make the English language easier to learn.


In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be dropped in favour of 'k'. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter.


There will be growing publik enthusiam in the second year when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced with 'f'. This will make words like fotograf much shorter.


In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always made akurate speling hard. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent 'e' in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.


By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v'.


During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary 'o' kan be droped from vords kontaining 'ou' and after ze fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza.