Let me tell you the tale of a Sunday in May,
We were two points behind Celtic with one game to play.
The tims had been crowing “The title"s in the bag,
We"ve won the league again, fly the flag, fly the flag. "

They would be taught a lesson they"ll always remember,
Don"t write off the Rangers, we never surrender.
We descended on Leith on the 22nd of May,
The waiting was over, it was judgment day.

With hope in our hearts and trannies in hand,
We packed ourselves into the Easter Road stand.
The ref blew the whistle, the action began,
A wave of excitement swept over the fans.

But half an hour in came the news we were dreading,
Sutton had scored, for 2nd place we were heading.
Soon half-time arrived and the score remained zero,
We looked to the heavens and prayed for a hero.

The teams re-emerged and the second half started,
Not one of our loyal fans had departed.
Then all of a sudden - a promising break,
Buffel to Novo who made no mistake.

1-0 to Rangers, we were off the mark,
Our attentions now turned to events at Fir Park.
Celtic were coasting as the minutes ticked by,
They sang Championees and the Fields of Athenry.

But you and I know there was a sting in the tail,
For theirs is a club which is destined to fail.
Enter Scott MacDonald with an overhead kick,
Douglas is nowhere and Timmy is sick.

Their fans were despondent and looked to the skies,
But there was no solace there for their tear-stained eyes.
For a helicopter was approaching the ground,
But it sure wasn"t landing, it was turning around.

Over on the touchline, O"Neill lost the plot,
Astonishingly brilliant, I think ****ing not!
Soon word reached Leith and the Rangers fans roared,
The players on the pitch knew that Motherwell had scored.

They kept possession, we awaited more news,
Tension gripped all of the red, white & blues.
Then two minutes later - a heart-warming sound,
Another eruption at our end of the ground.

2-1 to Motherwell and it had to be him,
MacDonald again, not bad for a Tim.
The final whistle sounded and the copter arrived,
This time it was landing with the SPL prize.

Strangers hugged strangers up and down the land,
As the words KEEP BELIEVING appeared in the stand
The singing began - “Cheer up Marty,
Come over to our place, we"re having a party. "

And over at Ibrox, though minutes had passed,
A sea of red, white & blue had amassed.
Hundreds of bears lined Edmiston Drive,
The team bus arrived and the place came alive.

The party continued well into the night,
A reward for a season of courage and fight.
And I urge fellow bears to take heed of this rhyme,
As we find ourselves now in more difficult times.

Protest if you must at the current regime,
But unite on a Saturday and get behind the team.
When you"re finding it hard to muster belief,
Think back to the day when the sun shone on Leith.

Cos like the moon landings and JFK,
We"ll always remember that Sunday in May.
The odds were against us but we won the race,
Let the others come after us, we welcome the chase.

Offside rule for explained for Girls

You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till. Behind the shop
assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you
must have.

The shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing them with
desire.

Both of you have forgotten your purses.

It would be totally rude to push in front of the first woman if you had no
money to pay for the shoes.

The shop assistant remains at the till waiting.

Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and
sees your dilemma.

She prepares to throw her purse to you.

If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other shopper
and buy the shoes.

At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and, *whilst
it is in flight* you could nip around the other shopper, catch the purse and
buy the shoes.

Always remembering that until the purse has *actually been thrown* it would
be plain wrong to be forward of the other shopper.

1. OPENING JARS - She's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.

2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.

3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks - camp. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.

4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, I've got a knife thanks!

5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and- as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction.

6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. You're hard.

7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".

9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.

10. NODDING AT COPPERS - A moment's eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past",it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".

11. USING POWER TOOLS - Slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a f*g? Superb.

12. KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stick that Becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.

13. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE - And everyone cheers you.
It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are pissed. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.

14. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - Fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.

15. CARVING THE ROAST - And saying "are you a leg or breast man?" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing?" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.

16. WINKING - Turns women to putty. Doesn't it?

17. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - Ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.

18. TAKING OUT 200 FROM A CASHPOINT - Okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

19. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - Unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."

20. PARALLEL PARKING - Bosh, straight in. First time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.

21. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.

22. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - Especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".

23. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips? For that? Are you mad, bint?"

24. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - A visual code that says that's right, I'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized poo.