1) When he asks why you were speeding,tell him you wanted to race.

2) When he talks to you pretend your deaf.

3) Touch him.

4) Ask him where he bought his cool hat.

5) Refer to him by his first name.

6) Try to sell him your car.

7) When he frisks you, say you missed a spot and smile.

Accuse him of sexual harassment.

9) Ask if you can buy his car.

10) Play with the siren.

11) If you know him, say you had his wife for dinner.

12) If you dont know him, ask him if you can have his wife for dinner.

13) Ask if he ever had pu-tang.

14) If there is someone else in the car, talk to eachother in tongues.

15) When he looks confused,keep talking, look at him and laugh.

16) When you are in the back seat, touch his neck through the head rest.

17) When he pulls out his night stick, say what you gona do with that.

1 Ask if you can see his gun.

19) When he says hes not allowed,tell him I just wanted to see if mine was bigger.

20) Stare at his lights and say "Look at the pretty colours"

21) Tell him you like men in uniform.

22) Ask him if you can borrow his uniform for a Halloween party.

23) Pretend you are gay and ask him out.

24) When he says no, cry.

25) If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is in a nice way.

26) If he asks you to step out of the car automatically throw yourself on the hood.

27) When he asks you to spread them, tell him you dont go that way.

2 When he puts handcuffs on, say "Usually my date buys me dinner first"

29) Bribe him with donuts, and when he agrees, tell him sorry I ate the last one.

30) When he goes to read your rights, sing "La la la, I cant hear you"

31) Trip and fall into him.

32) Accuse him of poliece brutality ehen he pushes you away.

33) Before you sign the ticket pick your nose, you have to use his pen.

34) Clean your ear with the pen.

35) If its a click pen,take it apart and play with the spring.

36) Act like your retarded.

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top 20 things not to say to the cops

The top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over.

20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

18. Aren't you the guy from the villiage people?

17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.

16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.

15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

14. Bad cop. No donut.

13. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?

12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops?

10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

9. I pay your salary

8. So uh, you on the take or what?

7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.

6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.

4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.

3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.

1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

A Protestant(Mervin Ian Alexander) and a catholic (Michael John O Connor)
both driving like maniacs on a twisty and dark country road collide on a
sharpe bend head on. To both their amazements, they emurge unharmed without
a scratch, though their cars are destroyed. As a celebration of their luck,
both agree to put aside their differences or dislikes of each other from
that moment on. At this point the Catholic (Michael John O Connor) goes to
his boot and brings out the finest 12 year old jameson Mervin has ever seen.
He hands the bottle to the Protestant (Mervin Ian Alexander) and exclaims
'May the Proteastants and Catholics of Ireland live together in peace
forever.
At that the protestant (Mervin Ian Alexander) took the bottle and lashes
it half down, still flabbergasted with the whole experience he hands it to
the Catholic (Michael John O Connor) whom replies 'No Thanks i'll wait til
the Gaurds get here'.....

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an
important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me
a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me
life and give up me Irish Whiskey".

Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and
said, "Never mind, I found one."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to
heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the
man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to
go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father.

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that
when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a
group together to go right now."

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+++

Paddy was in New York He was patiently waiting, and watching the
traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of
traffic and shouted, "Okay pedestrians".

Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times,
and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted
"Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said,
"Is it not about time ye
let the Catholics across?"

------------------------------------------------------------

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read
in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best
friend Finney. "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say
I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"

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+

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for
speeding in Connecticut.

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then
sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it
again!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me
a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

Oh yeah?"said Charlie "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and
knees."

Really," said Charles, "now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken-shit!"