1. very funny guys, very funny. Who's idea was this? Judas! Ha ha, just wait til' you see what i've done to your car!

2. This is gonna be hell when the midgies come out

3. This is even more sore than it looks

4. This is a bit excessive, don't you think?

5. Well..........shit...

6. I can see my house from here

7. Your all dicks!!

8. DON'T YOU KNOW WHO MY DAD IS!!??

9. Peter! Oi PETER! YEAH,CAN YOU TAPE CORONATION STREET FOR ME!? THANKS!

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know where my watch is pal, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Fucking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look." Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the fucking floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice there,did you sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'.Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement,then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short". What the fuck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever fucking does!!What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Knobhead?

10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'.So what did they used to be? ears, Wellington boots?

11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice? "No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate."
12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. "Thanks that's an image I really didn't need."

13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering.....It's has to be a McChicken Burger,just a Chicken Burger get blank looks. Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you fucking McTosser.

14. When you involved in a accident and someone asks 'are you alright?'Yes fine thanks,I'll just pick up my limbs and be off.

15. Your funny bone? why is it called your funny bone? if you bang your 'funny' bone, there really isnt fuck all funny about it!

Proud To Be Scottish

Being Scottish is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or ,aTurkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.

And the most Scottish thing of all? Suspicion of all things foreign!

Only in Scotland can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in Scotland do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Sotland do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.

Only in Scotland do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

Only in Scotland do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Only in Scotland do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in Scotland are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.

NOT TO MENTION..

3 Scots die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

142 Scots were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.

58 Scots are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

31 Scots have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

19 Scots have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.

Scottish Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after Xmas cracker-pulling accidents.

18 Scots had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Scots were admitted to A&E in the last two years after trying to open bottles of beer with their teeth.

5 Scots were injured last year in accidents involving out-of-control Scalextric cars.

and finally...

In 2000 eight Scots were admitted to hospital with fractured skulls incurred whilst throwing up into the toilet.

If you're proud to be a Scot, send this on!

SCOTLAND - Love it, or Leave it