Dogfruit: a disease of the soul…German version Feruitndogversheep

    A Fruit and a Sheep Dog made me sad...well a bit Melon-Collie anyway....hahaha

    Stopped Moments.........by Eugene Niland Thursday 5th Feb 09

Sometime I just stop, I don't mean physically but it the whole world around me.
It freezes.
The movement of the air, gone, sound lingers in the background and fades to nothing,
like a tipsy singer forgetting the last lines of a song in the pub, embarrassedly sitting down...
It gradually slows...then its gone too.
That’s the second of realisation, that millisecond stretched to an infinity when you notice EVERYTHING.
And Everything is stopped.
The tears come, but that’s is something you don't realise, they have been there a while.
And it was before the ideas and reasons behind them, the thoughts that made me cry became clear in my head.
its like looking through one of those kids toys, the telescope type tubes you twist, but without the pretty bright shapes and colours
to fascinate and take you away to a place of beauty and wonder.
No, just the grey wet tears around the edges of your sight, closing in to the centre as you twist the tube.
Narrowing to leave a small clear drop of water of pure-est crystal glass in the middle. A tiny circle of light amid the grey.
It disappears with the first blink, the wet blink that lets you know your already leaking.
Washes away that confusion you had, that question "Am I?, Why?, I'm Crying?"
Then come the reasons...that build up against the damn your hoping will not burst.
Threes the people you care for, the things you want to do.
The joys you have shared with them and in the future want to share anew.
The shittyness of the world at large without this stupid illness to make it harder, the thoughts of leaving them to its not so tender mercies,
when all you want it to protect them.
It Fucks with us as it is. But this is just to fuck with you.
If you survive. If not it fucks your family, you'll know this at the end, a nice little extra head fuck.
In the middle is the torture of waiting, waiting to see what way it wants to fuck you up.
There are the doubts, about family and friends, even close friends, bests friends, who have been better to me than I deserve, have become family almost. Doubts about how they will remember me, if they will remember me at all, enough to mention to their kids in the future, and it what way I would be mentioned. In what context am I filed in their memory banks once I’m not around anymore. Am I smart, funny, dirty minded, horny gobshite Eugene? Or worse, as Lovely..as poor eugene, never realy got his chance, never got his shot, Oh Well…That’s life I suppose, on with ours…I’ve had plenty of shots if I think about it, wasted them when I didn’t know what I had, how lucky I’ve been… Wasted.
I can’t remember my own Dad’s face sometimes now he’s gone, why should I hope to be remembered by them. I can remember his smell yes… Family joke, between his farts and sweat Dad’s smell is easy to remember… His Laugh, God yes, easy to remember. They’re mixed up in the routines of being a kid.
After school, maybe the homework’s done, maybe not, but Mam would be cooking knowing he gets home at 6pm after going for a run the long way home from work. We’d see him come passed the back window, sometimes she didn’t, and on those occasions surprise would be added to the mix as he went up behind her and gave her a big sweaty hug and kiss, and a sweaty hug for me too when I was small and he could catch me easy. Love that smell of healthy fresh sweat, and even the stale smell of it that we found still in his running gear under the bed years after he’d died… that was another stopped moment, but I don’t think I fully realised it at the time.
But that’s where I see him, there it is…THAT Smile, that flashing grin as he passes the window and sees Mammy in the kitchen, it’s big, HUGE, especially if sh

Too late curious
First hand answers slip away
Old Celebrations smaller by the year
Oh Lord I never knew
I'd never thought that
when I looked at you
Your big rough hands
Lift me up and tell me where
You found your tender texture.
(Do'nt let your)Harsh cough don't rob me,
Of your memory
half made
You left me
No choice, just like your friends
Too late curious
At memory's end.


07-07-08

In an Empty shell,

Stripped away i fall

To pieces we all share,
My futures lost,

Im the primal core.

Same as you.
Alive once...


...No more...