Today, I was working at the gas station. An old lady was watching me fill her gas tank. A really beautiful girl walked by. I lost concentration and overfilled the tank. I quickly pulled it out and squirted the old lady with a bit of petrol. She was smiling and gave a slight moan. FML
Today, my boss came to my cubicle to give me my annual performance bonus. I was asleep at my desk. FML

Today, my boss walked in my office to see me busy making a little Post-it dress for my pen. FML

Today, I was teaching my English class. They are a class of 9th graders. I couldnt explain something so I said, “I’ll just give it to you orally, it will be better for both of us,” and the entire class begins to laugh. I had to get one of my students to tell me what it meant. FML

Today, I was in a music shop looking for a new guitar when someone called out someone else’s name and jumped on my back. I lost balance and fell forward and broke 3 guitars and damaged another 6. The guy said “Sorry, thought you were someone else” and ran out. I now have to pay £2500. FML

Today, I was cuddling with my boyfriend watching a movie, my boyfriend then leans in and says: “You know, you’re my favourite girlfriend.” I then jokingly responded by saying: “You say that like I’m not the only girlfriend you have right now.” I hate being right. FML

Today, I came out to my dad. He called me weak minded and said that he has never been more disappointed in me. I didn’t come out as gay. I came out as a vegetarian. FML

Today, I went to a pet store to adopt a dog. I got a medium sized lab, a dog crate, and a few toys, then put his crate in the back of my truck and the dog in his crate. On the way home I realized I forgot dog bowls and some dog food. I went back, and when I got back out to my truck, my dog was gone. My stereo too. FML

Today, I realized my new kitten is the spawn of the devil. It decided to go get itself stuck in a tree. I tried to climb up to rescue it. But it kept climbing higher. I was about to grab the cat when I fell. The cat then jumped down and started purring. FML

Today, I had to clean my walls with those Mr Clean Magic Sponges because we were having visitors. I got bored and started drawing penises with it because they would leave wet marks. There is nothing magic about how slow they dry when your visitors come an hour early. They saw all ten of them. FML

Today, my RA told me my vintage bike reminded him of his childhood. I laughed and said, “What, were you born in the 50’s?” He replied, “No, I was born in a third world country and my grandfather took me to school on the back of his bike everyday.” FML

Today, I woke up in bed next to my girlfriend. She whispered that she wanted me to go down on her. Excited, I duck under the covers and start moving down her body. When I got in position she held my head still with her thighs and farted. FML

Today, while riding on the car with my family, I put on my headphones and pretended to be listening to music and when my parents talked to me, I pretended I couldn’t hear them. They took this opportunity to discuss how fat I was and how I can’t hold down a boyfriend. They were laughing as well. FML

Today, my friend posted my picture on Craigslist under the “men seeking men” section. I got 16 replies with 2 hours. He then decided to post another picture of me under “men seeking women” to compare results. The only reply I got was from a man. FML

Today, while deleting my ex-fiance’s account off my computer, I saved her pics. I found one of her with her now boyfriend in our bedroom. FML


Today, my friend called to say my boyfriend was at a diner with another woman. I immediately went and caught them in a deep conversation. I slapped him and yelled “Who’s this bitch!?” It turns out she’s his half sister. FML


Today, I bought a CD off a man who always plays Spanish guitar in the subway. When I got to work and tried pl

What is your name (including middle names and title)?
What do you call me?
Whats your favorite band?
Whats my favorite band?
what do you think of me (honestly)?
what do you think my favorite food is?
would you go out with me, ever?
would you stab me?
have you ever wanted to?
where was i born?
do you like my hair?
what am i good at?
if you could say anything important to me it would be:
what don't you want me to know?
If you heard a rumor about me, would you defend me?
Have you talked negative about me?
Have you talked posative about me?
Do you think I'm a good person?
what do you rate me outta 1 too 10?

One 18.25 ounce package chocolate cake mix.
One can prepared coconut pecan frosting.
3/4 cup vegetable oil.
Four large eggs.
One cup semi-sweet chocolate chips.
3/4 cups butter or margarine.
1 2/3 cups granulated sugar.
Two cups all purpose flour.

Don't forget garnishes such as:

Fish shaped crackers.
Fish shaped candies.
Fish shaped solid waste.
Fish shaped dirt.
Fish shaped ethyl benzene.
Pull and peel licorice.
Fish shaped organic compounrs and sediment shaped sediment.
Candy coated peanut butter pieces. Shaped like fish.

One cup lemon juice.

Alpha resins.
Unsaturated polyester resin.
Fiberglass surface resins.
And volatile malted milk impoundments.

Nine large egg yolks.
Twelve medium geosynthetic membranes.
One cup granulated sugar.

An entry called 'how to kill someone with your bare hands.'

Two cups rhubard, sliced.
2/3 cups granulated rhubarb.
One tablespoon all-purpose rhubarb.
One teaspoon grated orange rhubarb.
Three tablespoons rhubarb, on fire.
One cross borehole electro-magnetic imaging rhubarb.
Two tablespoons rhubarb juice.

Adjustable aluminum head positioner.
Slaughter electric injector.
Cordless electric needle injector.
Injector needle driver.
Injector needle gun.
Cranial caps.

And it contains proven presenatives, deep penetration agents, and gas and odor control chemicals that will deodorize and preserve putrid tissue.