I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it.
I said, 'Thyroid problem?'

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised
that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive
me.

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold
the engine?

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go
swimming.

I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on
with my real ladder.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered
French Toast during the Renaissance.

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists
are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one
day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my bones
but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks
and stones all the way.

My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he
got thrown out of the fire brigade.

Sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good
hand.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are
you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough."

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of
meat?

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the
wrong answers.

You know that look women get when they want sex? No? Me neither.

Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they
don't understand, such as working for a living.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've
forgotten this before.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

My friend crossed a Pitbull with a Shitzu and ended up with a bull sh!t.