Funny Courtroom Quotations
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Lawyer: "Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?"
Witness: "Yes, sir."
Lawyer: "What did she say?"
Witness: "'What disco am I at?'"
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Lawyer: "Was that the same nose you broke as a child?"
Witness: "I only have one, you know."
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Lawyer: "What is your date of birth?"
Witness: "July 15th."
Lawyer: "What year?"
Witness: "Every year."
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Lawyer: "This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect your memory at all?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "And in what ways does it affect your memory?"
Witness: "I forget."
Lawyer: "You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?"
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Lawyer: "How old is your son, the one living with you?"
Witness: "Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which."
Lawyer: "How long has he lived with you?"
Witness: "Forty-five years."
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Lawyer: "Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?"
Witness: "No. He was wearing a mask."
Lawyer: "What was he wearing under the mask?"
Witness: "Er...his face."
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Lawyer: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?"
Witness: "He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'"
Lawyer: "And why did that upset you?"
Witness: "My name is Susan."
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Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
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Lawyer: "And you check your radar unit frequently?"
Officer: "Yes, I do."
Lawyer: "And was your radar unit functioning correctly at the time you had the plaintiff on radar?"
Officer: "Yes, it was malfunctioning correctly."
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Lawyer: "Sir, what is your IQ?"
Witness: "Well, I can see pretty well, I think."
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Lawyer: "What happened then?"
Witness: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"
Lawyer: "Did he kill you?"
Witness: "No."
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Lawyer: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
Witness: "I went to Europe, sir."
Lawyer: "And you took your new wife?"
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Grumpy xmas and terrible new year!I trust you will all have a wonderful Christmas and New Year. My question is this – Is it
worth it?

The answer, undoubtedly, is NO. Even if you are loath to admit it, every Christmas and New Year is the same – a complete and utter waste of money and time, coupled with the odd argument.

Don’t get me wrong. I enjoy seeing my family, and eating the food and drinking merrily. What I do not enjoy is the hysteria that surrounds this time of year. The sheer number of presents that the kids get astounds me. So many that they have no chance to appreciate fully what they do get, so in the end they just rip the wrapping paper, look at the gift and throw it aside ready for the next. Surely one or two big present and a few stocking fillers would suffice?
The houses, usually in council estates, completely covered in gaudy, second rate neon decorations, with blow up “Santa&Rudolph's” and complete sleighs in their gardens! The insistence that you must be happy, merry and in no way grumpy annoys me to such an extent that I feel like going round with shears to cut their trees down.
Another thing that annoys me is the amount of food bought. I am sure I have touched on this before, but for God’s sake, do you need three trolleys worth of food? Completely ridiculous, and if you did this you should be shot immediately. No offence intended!
Now, once it has all been done, the decorations have come down and the wrapping paper is in the bin, interminably awaiting collection, you feel a bit silly don’t you? We are in the middle of a recession, and you have just spent a thousand pounds on one day’s festivities. The kids only play with one of their presents – one of the cheaper ones, most likely; you binned half of the food and you have so much chocolate in the house you could save it for Easter.My suggestion is to write down exactly how you are feeling now. Note down how long it takes to pay your credit card bill off, the number of days before your kids lose half the small bits in their toys, how long it takes before the noisy presents have their batteries taken out. Jot down every annoying and needlessly expensive thing you have done this Christmas. Once you have completed this lengthy process, put this note in the November section of one of the nine calendars you received. This way, hopefully, you won’t make the same mistake again, thus I will not be so grumpy next year!!

I have decided, after much consideration, that I am slowly turning into my maternal grandmother. This is worrying on several levels, considering that I am a mere 29 years of age and male, but alas I fear it to be true.

Ever since I can remember, I have held strong views on just about anything and everything. No subject has been ignored and I have exclaimed every politically incorrect thought to have entered my somewhat grumpy mind. A trait which my friends find endearing and strangers find intermittently entertaining, wearisome or shocking; depending on the length of my rant and the amount of alcohol I have consumed. (wearisome or wearysome? I'll stick with wearisome, I think!)

In fact, to explain my point better, I shall provide here a list of my thoughts in regards to various subjects. Many I have personally covered previously, the others I shall come to in more detail, no doubt, in the months to come.

1. Global warming is politicised so much that we cannot believe a single thing we are told. And if it is happening, not a thing we do will affect it, as solar activity is the main cause.

2. If you do not wish to inhale my second-hand smoke, kindly leave the area. I don't (although I'm tempted) tell you to take your children outside in the rain, as they are causing me a stress headache!

3. The war in Iraq, although mismanaged and miscommunicated to us all, was just and necessary for the world - we will always need oil and Saddam was a monster! I just wish America had stayed home.

4. Fat people are fat because they consume too much food. It is not glandular and your bones are of normal dimensions. If you wish to lose this weight, don't watch programmes about it, just stop eating so much and walk somewhere once in a while.

5. Britain is relatively safe. Crime is not prevalent, and your chances of an unprovoked attack are minimal.

6. Britain's binge drinking culture is what used to be termed the weekend. Get over it.

Anyway, I could go on all day but unfortunately I have work in a few hours and require some sleep, so I will get to my point, if indeed I can think of one!

If you, like me, have ideas and opinions about the world, why do we not openly discuss them like human beings anymore? Anyone with a difference of opinion these days is treated like a leprocy-ridden heretic with herpes. Shouted down, because what we believe is politically incorrect or against the 'corporate responsibility objectives' or some other such nonsense. I am not allowed to have an opinion at work because it may be brand damaging.

Well what I want is for people who disagree with me to tell me. I, like my grandmother, love a good debate. The debate is highly unlikely to change my views on anything, but it will be highly enjoyable! I want journalists to either be impartial or have their own opinions, not their editors. I want children to be taught about the arguments for and against global warming, and to be told that renewable energy is good for the planet in more ways than reducing their carbon fartprint. I want the government to make the decisions we elected them to make, and stop telling us whether or not to buy an organic fair-trade Toyota Prius or eat less salt or more fruit.

And every time I have a grandmother-esque rant, like the one above, I can feel myself shrink an inch and age slightly. In about 3 months, I will pass as her twin and we shall travel the country ranting at passing members of the unsuspecting public. God help you all!!