I put a Spell on you, but I spelled it wrong…
So it did not work..

So I guess that being a witch is out.. LOL.. I have friends constantly telling me that I need spell check, but you should see it before I run it through Microsoft word! Lol.. and many people send me very rude letters saying how ignorant I come off because of my spelling. It really sucks. I have too many thoughts to run past a proof reader. They are to much, to often, to fast flowing. This could be a full time job! LOL.. Perhaps I do need someone.. hmm.. any of you volunteer? I really do not want to come of ignorant, that is not my intention at all. My excuse is that I was mainly homeless with my mom till age 11. No time for school. I have spent the years after playing catch-up.

Green Lights and Red Flags

I am at a new part of my life. I truly feel the edge of the cliff of my old life at my heels as I free fall into my new one. I am now beginning to see all my hard work and effort beguine to pay off. I can now see my life as chapters.
Chapter 1 – (Birth – 11) “Childhood” - Living with my mom, traveling all over the country.
Chapter 2 – (11 – 15) “Becoming” - Living with my father, finding who I am.
Chapter 3 – (16 – 19) “Discovery / Depression” - Finding love, Dating, Growing into my own. Understanding people and there actions and reactions for the first time. Loosing myself in my thoughts and not knowing how to control the depth of which I go.
Chapter 4 – (19 – 22) “Weakness / Freedom” – Understanding my needs and desires while still a victim to my weaknesses. Becoming the public identity of (XZanthia).
Chapter 5 – (22 – 27) “Structure / Stability” – Living in Denver, Building the art community and gallery. Pulling together what it is that makes me tick. Seeing my path more clearly.
Chapter 6 – (27 – 29) “Separation / Solitude” – Denying my human desires for fear of the heart. Hurt by people I retreated into my own world.
Chapter 7 – (29 - ?) “Apprehension / Self Awareness” – wounds not healed, however willing to go back in the battle field believing I can win this war. Dating again. Loosing myself in relationships and rediscovering what I already knew. Becoming more productive and getting a better grasp on my passions.
Chapter 7 (Continued) “Organization / Understanding” – Where I am at now is that I am starting to embrace who I am and what I am truly looking for. Understanding the act of will is only as strong as ones true desire. Living in the “Now”. Learning to let go, move forward, truly learn and better myself and better structure my future.
Chapter 8 – (30s) “Converging” – I will hope to ether find my life partner or except that my life, like my parents will be full of 3 year relationships. Either way I would love to travel, study, be self sustaining and have a child.
Chapter 9 – (40s) “Family / Adulthood” – What ever that is, LOL…

I can feel that this is going to be a long blog. I have had a whole lot on my mind in the last week. It is as I think several thoughts at any given moment. Only when I show my mind enough to form them into constructive sentences to be translated by the public can I beguine to understand what I am truly thinking.
Writing this way is a powerful way to know ones self, as well as having others understand you. And in there comments, you can understand them. But that is simply there public comments. Being that I choose to live my life in the open, I am vulnerable to much public criticism. O and I do get it. I am just as human as the next person, and I am judged for it behind my back. This is life and just the way people are. I accept this. There is a part of me, with every action, feel the paparazzi at my door. I can now read the headlines. I understood this when I was becoming a public Icon and I embrace the positive and negative sides. I am human and just want friends, want to understand and be understood, love and be loved. I need to be allowed to change and shift gears. I need to be understood as a true artist, and only then can I not let anyone down.
In my time I have gathered many great friends on many different levels. Some breeze in and out with the passing wind, others stay by my side for years and others still come and go, but we never loose our connection. Forever connected. I feel forever bonded to everyone that touches my life in any kind of a substantial way. What I mean by this, anyone who takes the time to know me. It seems to start there. Then I reciprocate.
With this I have had numerous men use “work” as a way to get close to me, becoming angry if I don’t

Going with the flow
May 22, 2009
It can be difficult to go with the flow, and not wish to fight the current, for you may fear the jagged rocks that may lay ahead, we all dream of calmer water, but life is a river, not a lake, and perhaps calmness is a dream to forever be unrealized. We are along with the ride if we like it or not, so we might as well enjoy it.
I can start to feel myself getting back in gear, back in the groove, back in the needed pattern of things. It is the simple things that hold your life together and have it make sense. For me it’s eating consciously, exercising and doing yoga, being in and working with nature, having the time and ability to detail my body every morning. Studying and writing journal entries and Poetry. Doing art and having time to my self as well as time with people I care about.
The last 2 weeks to a month has been a eye opening experience. As soon as you understand the path, there is a unexpected fork in the road. Cautiously we can choose to take this fork being fully aware of the positive and negative twists and turns it could hold. But being just as unsure of the path that you are on, and the silent promises of the unknown path beckon.
I wish I had more discipline for my art. I really wish to complete more of it. However promotion of my resort and the events to bring artists out here seem to over power my time, as it is more of an addiction then a need. And I will defend it.
The last week I have had my friend Alex here, he has been crashing in my office on the futon, so that has been keeping me from going in there every morning and starting on the internet, therefore sucking in my entire day. That has been a nice and needed change from what I have been at for the last week. I was on here every day from day brake till past midnight. Just getting through my comments can take all day. But I do not mind, as long as people do not become upset if it takes me days or weeks to get back to them. I hate to loose my life to the cyber world.
Loving life, and longing for love, leaving loneliness, limiting lust and lighting the way to let in liberating living.