I am a teacher at a leading faith-based city college, and the foundation of all our educational philosophy is that the Bible is the word of God and the truth. Consequently, in biology we teach creationism as explained in the book of Genesis, and in mathematics we teach that pi equals 3, as stated in the book of Kings. Anyone pupil who believes in dinosaurs, or who puts 3.14159 into equations for pi is taken into the playground and stoned to death against the boiler-house wall.

IF God is all mighty and all knowing, you'd think that he'd know that pi is equal to 3.14159 etc. But in 1 Kings ch.7 v.23 in the Bible, it says that it equals 3. I hope the Archbishops of Canterbury's wheels fall off his fucking car.

I saw a few weeks ago that a man had been arrested trying to smuggle 2 kilograms of cocaine into the USA. Then last week I heard a man got arrested trying to smuggle 10 kilograms of cocaine out of the USA. I wish they'd make their minds up, do they want the stuff or not?

I wonder how Michael Foot's family are referred to by their neighbours. Do they say 'the Foots have gone away for the weekend' or do they refer to them as 'the Feet?'

I was surprised to see the racist abuse of Lewis Hamilton by Spanish F1 fans at the Circuit de Catalunya in Barcelona. You wouldn't think the Spanish would be racist, what with them being foreign themselves.

The new Nik-Nak packs proudly boast "50% less saturated fat...same great taste". What utter bollocks! They've totally ruined the flavour and texture and should put the fat back in immediately! No one buys Nik-Naks to be healthy. I don't buy them as one of my 'five a day', although if I did the other 4 would be Skips, Quavers, Monster Munch and Frazzles.

I've been looking absolutely everywhere for a small, grainy page 3 model screensaver for my mobile phone that costs about £3, some dubious hydroponics equipment and a T-shirt with "CUNT" written on it, but mis-spelled in an amusing way. Is there anyone out there who could perhaps tell me where I could buy such things?

I am an airline pilot, and during long flights, I often switch the plane to autopilot and nip into the bogs for a quick wank. But I would like to reassure my passengers that they are completely safe, as if there was any sort of emergency, such as an engine catching fire or a rudder snapping off, the stewardesses are under strict instructions to fetch me immediately.

How ridiculous of NASA spending billions of pounds to come up with the non-stick frying pan. In the weightlessness of space, the astronauts' sausages are just going to float right out of the pan. If anything, they should have been developing something to make them stick.

My blog was too long and it made my page look awkward so I had to add this to even it all up a little.
wahey.

Whenever I buy a DVD I have to sit through a trailer telling me not to watch pirate movies. Yet Johnny Depp stars in one and the posters all say 'Must See'. Make your minds up, Hollywood moguls.

Yesterday I received an e-mail from a bored housewife looking for some action. Eager to please the young lady I sent her my ironing. That should keep her quiet for a while.

I went to a house the other day to fix a lady's washing machine, a Zanuss ZWF 161, which kept stopping halfway through the spin cycle. I took it apart, but couldn't for the life of me see what was causing the problem. I realised why when I suddenly remembered that I was not an electrical engineer, but a pensions and savings advisor with the Cheltenham & Gloucester Building Society. How foolish I felt as I tried to put it back together

THIS new police knife amnesty is a bloody nightmare. I dutifully handed all my knives in and now I've got nothing to eat my dinner with.

TO THE zookeeper in 1978 who replied "I'll tell you when you're older" when I asked him why one of the monkeys stuck its tongue up another one's arse: I'm 36 now and still waiting for that explanation.

I WAS just settling down in front of my PC for a good wank when there was a power cut. Never mind, I thought, I'll put on a pornographic DVD instead. In the next horrifying moment I caught a glimpse of what the end of civilisation might really be like. It's going to be no joke, is it?

I WAS devastated when my doctor told me that I had just a week to live. Then I remembered that I am a mayfly, and a week was equivalent to a human being living for 500 years. So I cheered up immeasurably.

MY HUSBAND plays a joke on me every April Fool's day. Last year I was determined not to be caught out, but lo and behold he tricked me again. Knowing I like cats, he woke me at 3.00am and told me there was a basket of kittens stuck on our chimney. I immediately climbed out of the bedroom window and shinned up the drainpipe onto the roof. When I got there and saw nothing but the television aerial I realised I had been had. However, the joke wasn't over. When I got back into the bedroom the cheeky devil had filled my slippers with broken glass. I'm determined he won't get me this year.

WHY DO celebrities who voiceover the Tesco's advert always refer to the chain as 'we'? I for one have never seen Cilla Black holding a tenner suspiciously up to the light, or Jimmy Nail pushing four trolleys through the car park in the pissing rain for three pound peanut an hour.

THE THING that strikes me about the appointment of a paedophile to a teaching post is, how shit must the other people at the interview have been?

THEY SAY that slow and steady wins the race. Bollocks! I am an athletics coach specialising in the 100 metre sprint, and I find the best tactic by far is to go as quickly as possible.

I just bought a new car and when I insured it, the broker informed me I wasn't covered for acts of God. Imagine my anger when I looked out of my bedroom window in the early hours and saw the Lord scratching it up the side with a key.

On holiday a few years back, I took part in a quiz and managed to reach the final only to lose out after what I consider to this day, to be a correct answer. The question asked 'What 'C' would you associate Jeremy Clarkson with?' to which I confidently replied 'cunt'. Not only was I told the answer was incorrect, but I was asked by the holiday rep to leave the premises immediately. Has anyone else experienced such appalling treatment whilst holidaying with one's family?

My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to make than this?

Did anyone else feel that Mel Gibson's remake of the classic Life of Brian wasn't anywhere near as funny as the original?

'Tonight there's gonna be a jailbreak', sang Thin Lizzy in 1976, 'somewhere in this town'. Well, I'm guessin